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Told our difficult child not to come home for holidays, feeling regreted but we just had to...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702797" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>First let me try to show you how to quote. I had problems too, but now it is easy. All you do is highlight the words you want to quote with your cursor and a black box will jump up. You push <em><u>quote</u>.</em> If you push <em>reply</em> it will quote the whole post which is rarely useful. Then, after you have highlighted the quotes you wish to respond to, you go to the bottom of the page and you push<em><u> insert quotes</u></em> which is in a whitish color box on the bottom left of a frame where you are able to write your text.</p><p></p><p>The, you will see your quotes down the page. Each quote will be framed by script that formats it (I think that is how to say it.9 This is important. If it is not included the quote will not show up correctly in your finished post. Trust me, it is easy to foul up. Each quote will start with a bracket and end with a bracket.</p><p></p><p>When you get more comfortable with the process you will be able to reorder quotes, as you write. I would start with just one quote until you get comfortable.</p><p></p><p>That said, welcome. Your story, while it feels impossible to bear (and truly is--as we all know) is hardly unique on this board. Very many of us have gone through a version of it. What makes it so much more complicated is that it is cross-cultural and spans continents! (By the way your written English is just fine.)</p><p></p><p>I did not have time to read everything (either in your posts or in the responses several things come to mind, I would like to mention):</p><p></p><p>1. Your daughter is legally an adult.</p><p>2. She seems to do better far away and independently. She seems to be succeeding to some extent both academically and job-wise. While she may be heading towards the rocks, she has managed to keep herself afloat for awhile now in a culture that is not her own, facing a great deal of demands. This is remarkable for a young person.</p><p>3. While diagnoses matter sometimes and in some situations (for medication, for insurance, for children over whom we have some control, and complete responsibility) for parents of an emancipated adult child, they matter little. To me diagnoses are a way to either feel guilt and responsibility, or to blame the child. Let me tell you right now--I do it. Today I called my son psychotic, because what he says frightens me--for him. *I am not recommending this as a parenting strategy so there is no need for readers to tell me that this is a dysfunctional parenting strategy. I know it is.</p><p>4. The etiology of her problems, to me, have little importance at this point. Adopted, or not. Genetic or not. Environmental or not. Why? She is an adult who will now have to make sense of her own personality, life, origin, future, and past. End of story. That is the human condition.</p><p>5. She has every right in the world to say what ever she wants about anything she wants. But not to you, to your face, around you, or in your home. Or to any minor children for whom you have responsibility.</p><p>6. That is, provided that she does not accept money or support from you. If she does, you are entitled to respect and to set whatever limits and boundaries you choose. By accepting your help and money, she gives her consent.</p><p>7. If she seems unable to control her behavior, that would be one instance where a psychiatric diagnosis might have a bearing. Because it could well be that she has an acute mental illness that leads to instability and a lack of self-control. This does not mean she does not have responsibility for her behavior, or to seek treatment. It does not mean you must endure her. But it could provide a framework to understand what is happening.</p><p>8. As others have said, for your own welfare, that of your family and for your daughter's, you must protect yourself and your space and not allow her to act out in such a way that is abusive, dangerous, or controlling to the extent that she has been. Whether she is ill or not, this cannot be allowed. </p><p>9. Many, many of us have been judged harshly by family, friends, and neighbors, (let alone by ourselves.) This goes with the territory. I was very, very hurt by the responses of others towards me, and very angry at "friends" who enabled my child, and thereby hurt him very badly. They really got in the way of his maturing and stabilizing, in the guise of helping him when his own mean old mother would not.</p><p> </p><p>10. I am not minimizing any psychiatric problem your child may have, whether acute, like something like bipolar, a personality disorder such as Borderline (BPD), etc. or a developmental disorder as you suggest. The thing is, at this point your control and your options are minimal. Their is at minimum one ocean between you.</p><p></p><p>In no uncertain terms your daughter has made it crystal clear she wants to go it alone. If that is the case, I would take her literally, at her word, if she chooses to continue to berate and abuse you--unless she is able to go to a psychiatrist or hospital and receive an diagnostic evaluation as having an active, acute mental illness--and show you by her concrete and continuous behavior that she is seeking and following through on treatment for said mental illness. Period.</p><p></p><p>I would not be subsidizing long-term a child who abuses me, and chooses not to seek help.</p><p>11. The thing you have not mentioned (or I did not see) is whether there is drug involvement. Do not overlook this possibility. My child is living with me and belatedly I have accepted the necessity of insisting that he submit to intermittent, but regular drug-testing.</p><p>12.Your daughter has shown in her short life that she has talents and motivation. Her challenge is to learn to deal with her personality and her temperament....This does not set her apart from anybody else.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to our forum. You will find a great deal of support and knowledge here. We are all in this together. That is a great gift.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702797, member: 18958"] First let me try to show you how to quote. I had problems too, but now it is easy. All you do is highlight the words you want to quote with your cursor and a black box will jump up. You push [I][U]quote[/U].[/I] If you push [I]reply[/I] it will quote the whole post which is rarely useful. Then, after you have highlighted the quotes you wish to respond to, you go to the bottom of the page and you push[I][U] insert quotes[/U][/I] which is in a whitish color box on the bottom left of a frame where you are able to write your text. The, you will see your quotes down the page. Each quote will be framed by script that formats it (I think that is how to say it.9 This is important. If it is not included the quote will not show up correctly in your finished post. Trust me, it is easy to foul up. Each quote will start with a bracket and end with a bracket. When you get more comfortable with the process you will be able to reorder quotes, as you write. I would start with just one quote until you get comfortable. That said, welcome. Your story, while it feels impossible to bear (and truly is--as we all know) is hardly unique on this board. Very many of us have gone through a version of it. What makes it so much more complicated is that it is cross-cultural and spans continents! (By the way your written English is just fine.) I did not have time to read everything (either in your posts or in the responses several things come to mind, I would like to mention): 1. Your daughter is legally an adult. 2. She seems to do better far away and independently. She seems to be succeeding to some extent both academically and job-wise. While she may be heading towards the rocks, she has managed to keep herself afloat for awhile now in a culture that is not her own, facing a great deal of demands. This is remarkable for a young person. 3. While diagnoses matter sometimes and in some situations (for medication, for insurance, for children over whom we have some control, and complete responsibility) for parents of an emancipated adult child, they matter little. To me diagnoses are a way to either feel guilt and responsibility, or to blame the child. Let me tell you right now--I do it. Today I called my son psychotic, because what he says frightens me--for him. *I am not recommending this as a parenting strategy so there is no need for readers to tell me that this is a dysfunctional parenting strategy. I know it is. 4. The etiology of her problems, to me, have little importance at this point. Adopted, or not. Genetic or not. Environmental or not. Why? She is an adult who will now have to make sense of her own personality, life, origin, future, and past. End of story. That is the human condition. 5. She has every right in the world to say what ever she wants about anything she wants. But not to you, to your face, around you, or in your home. Or to any minor children for whom you have responsibility. 6. That is, provided that she does not accept money or support from you. If she does, you are entitled to respect and to set whatever limits and boundaries you choose. By accepting your help and money, she gives her consent. 7. If she seems unable to control her behavior, that would be one instance where a psychiatric diagnosis might have a bearing. Because it could well be that she has an acute mental illness that leads to instability and a lack of self-control. This does not mean she does not have responsibility for her behavior, or to seek treatment. It does not mean you must endure her. But it could provide a framework to understand what is happening. 8. As others have said, for your own welfare, that of your family and for your daughter's, you must protect yourself and your space and not allow her to act out in such a way that is abusive, dangerous, or controlling to the extent that she has been. Whether she is ill or not, this cannot be allowed. 9. Many, many of us have been judged harshly by family, friends, and neighbors, (let alone by ourselves.) This goes with the territory. I was very, very hurt by the responses of others towards me, and very angry at "friends" who enabled my child, and thereby hurt him very badly. They really got in the way of his maturing and stabilizing, in the guise of helping him when his own mean old mother would not. 10. I am not minimizing any psychiatric problem your child may have, whether acute, like something like bipolar, a personality disorder such as Borderline (BPD), etc. or a developmental disorder as you suggest. The thing is, at this point your control and your options are minimal. Their is at minimum one ocean between you. In no uncertain terms your daughter has made it crystal clear she wants to go it alone. If that is the case, I would take her literally, at her word, if she chooses to continue to berate and abuse you--unless she is able to go to a psychiatrist or hospital and receive an diagnostic evaluation as having an active, acute mental illness--and show you by her concrete and continuous behavior that she is seeking and following through on treatment for said mental illness. Period. I would not be subsidizing long-term a child who abuses me, and chooses not to seek help. 11. The thing you have not mentioned (or I did not see) is whether there is drug involvement. Do not overlook this possibility. My child is living with me and belatedly I have accepted the necessity of insisting that he submit to intermittent, but regular drug-testing. 12.Your daughter has shown in her short life that she has talents and motivation. Her challenge is to learn to deal with her personality and her temperament....This does not set her apart from anybody else. Welcome to our forum. You will find a great deal of support and knowledge here. We are all in this together. That is a great gift. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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