Tomorrow I have an appointment with our minister...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I have been struggling so much emotionally and spiritually with difficult child... it isn't really any new big thing... it just got to the point that I realize I am angry all the time. I tried to get in with a therapist I had seen in the past but he has some health concerns and not booking appts right now. In the past year, difficult child has decided that she doesn't want to be involved in church, or youth group or even other activites that she has done since we adopted.

    I feel a little uneasy about talking with our minister (not because of any thing about her...) just that I have never talked to a minister about any "real" problems. How can you tell someone that you don't have any positive feelings for a child any more? That you have come to regret the adoption? That difficult child hates everything about me and everything I believe in? I guess it wouldn't be so bad if difficult child wasn't so antagonistic. I wish there was some quality that I could think of and say... "gee, I am really proud of her for that!". I know this isn't healthy for me or for difficult child. But I guess it has gotten to the point that the dislike is mutual. The tone of her voice, the clothes she wears, the stringy hair, the way she struts her stuff, the friends she tries to hang with, the lies, the overdone (and poorly done) make up, the way she talks to her little sister, the attitude, the way she does not appreciate anything we have done for her, her expectations of "more, more, more" has left me bankrupt emotionally.

    I hope I find a way back to caring. Sometimes it is just so hard. KSM
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I really hope that this appointment will allow you to vent and gain strength. The teen years are difficult...even with easy child's...and it sounds as though you more than have your hands full. Probably I should not add this opinion, sigh, but in my limited experience "sometimes" Ministers who have been blessed with easy child's tend to have a difficult time advising about difficult child behavior patterns. Fingers crossed that the visit will ease your heavy heart. Hugs DDD
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Maybe she could steer you to a good therapist? Good luck tomorrow.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So many ministers have training in counseling that I doubt he/she hasn't heard many of your feelings and concerns before. Leave yourself open to their help and you will naturally flow with what is needed.

  5. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    KSM, your post left me a bit teary as I have been struggling with the very same feelings lately myself. I hope that your minister will be able to help you work through your feelings and that you are able to find some peace.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I guess I can't truly say I "don't care" anymore... as I am still trying to do what is best. But I admit that sometimes I just don't have the energy for it and it is easier to not have any interaction from her.

    An example... last night she calls her boyfriend who says he is at the library and she wants to go hang out with him for a while. It is 8 blocks from our home and it is in a good neighborhood. But, things didn't "feel" right... so I went with her, as I had library books to return and wanted new books. We get to the library parking lot and I see about 6 teens, mostly boys and it seems like there was some type of altercation going on- not sure if it was verbal or physical... but if it was physical, it had happened before we pulled up. All but her boyfriend left the parking lot and she ran over to him. I stayed in the car because I was watching the situation. They stayed off to the side of the entryway. One guy kept coming out of the library and seeing her boyfriend still there, would go back inside and pace around. After about 10 minutes, she came back to the car and was ready to go home. She wouldn't say what was going on. I was furious. What if I had let her walk to the library and she got involved in that? Her boyfriend does not have a good track record... expelled from school last year for fighting... had to do community service all summer... and summer school. Last week, she wanted to ride her bike across town to meet up with him and his friends at a convenience store. I said no and said if he wanted to see her, he could come to the house. We have invited him several times and he has never shown up. difficult child is an immature 15 year old and we don't let her date. He finally showed up - about two hours late. He stayed for an hour in the living room, and I kept myself out of the way cooking in the kitchen. He was polite while he was there. I thought things went well. difficult child told me she wouldn't ask him to "endure" spending time over her for a long time as it was way out of his comfort zone! I guess we were "too rich". Ha! I could set him straight on that. We have a modest home with modest furnishings. Drive 10 year old vehicles. Not rich. We have made choices in our life that has made things a little easier on us than those who make poor choices.

    Anyway, what is disgusting is that difficult child thinks that all this fighting and drama is "normal". I would bet that 90% of kids make it thru school without being in fights. It is like this drama is her drug of choice. She said it beats the boring life we live.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did regarding Psychokid and I told it to therapists and psychiatrists. Nobody seemed to blame me. I'm not sure and don't care. They didn't walk in my shoes.

    I would probably feel more comfortable however with a therapist rather than a minister. Not sure a minister would understand much about how these feelings could actually happen. JMO.

    Good luck and hope it helps you!
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Depends on...
    1) the person seeking help and what they are comfortable with
    2) the skills of the minister in question... or, truthfully, of ANY counsellor. I've had ... excellent tdocs, and rotten ones. Ditto for just about any other category of "counsellor".
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The meeting turned out good. Not that I have any new answers. But, we had discussions about difficult child not really attending youth group/church. It needed to be discussed as it is a small youth group. Not sure if she will stay in the mentor/mentee group. She likes her mentor and I think having attention from a responsible adult is always a good thing. The minister ( a female) has said she will keep in touch with difficult child and maybe invite her out for a coke occasionally and if there are things going on at church that she could help with she will call and ask her. There is also another girl who has stopped attending (the only girl my difficult child like to hang out with at youth group) and the minister will continue to have contact with her too. I am not ruling things out, but I am tired of pushing things, only to meet much resistance. It got to the point by the time we got to church, I was fit to be tied and got nothing out of the service.

    I have decided to get more involved - there is a ladies book study coming up next month that meets once a week so I signed up for that. I need to have more of a life outside of the stressful job being mom to difficult child involves. Also signed up for the "read the Bible in 90 days" group. It will take about 45 minutes a day then on Sundays that group will meet as a Sunday school class to motivate each others to keep to their commitment. Supposedly, it only takes 12 pages a day for 90 days. Doable! I am still looking for a part time job... I know I need to get out of the house. I tend to stew all day about the behaviors I have put up with... and then end up mad by the time difficult child gets home from school. I do feel isolated... as most our friends don't have kids (they are all retired) or are not raising grandkids... It is hard to do much with people our age, while still being responsible for our two teens at home.

    I got a call back from my previous therapist so will talk to him tomorrow. I really didn't think seeing him on a timely basis was going to be possible... but it worked out!
    Thanks for the concerns... I am still hanging in there! KSM
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you KSM. I can feel the tiredness in your voice. I completely understand where you are coming from. I love your idea of getting more involved with things outside of being difficult child's mom. Seriously, I think that is one thing that has saved me through the years. Staying active with exercise, joining a book club, and just finding things to do that are separate from difficult child is so helpful and helps to alleviate so much stress.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have no idea how large your church is or anything else but my old therapist used to offer free therapy through her church. In fact she was doing that while she was getting her hours in to actually get her license. Because she was only seeing people through the church and not charging anything, she was allowed to offer therapy because she was just basically talking to them privately.