Tony got home tonight and all hell broke loose

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DammitJanet, Sep 5, 2011.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As most of you know who, I have some severe degenerative arthritis in my knees, hips and ankles and it appears that it may have traveled to my spine. Flutter was kind enough to remind me that at some point someone also gave me the diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis several years ago to which could be the reason my back has finally decided to just give out on me now.

    I really am a loss as to what I am supposed to do when I am having a very hard time even getting myself from the bed to the bathroom and once, maybe twice a day to the kitchen to get a drink to keep me hydrated. I try to keep some sort of potted meet in my room so I can eat. That and little debbies.

    The doctor tried to tell me to increase my medications up to 60 mgs twice a day and I simply cant handle that dose. I can barely handle the 30 mgs a day. Im loopy on it and dont feel comfortable driving.

    My back is so bad even on the extra medications that it still hurts to attempt to do anything. Dog tore up the trash and I tried to pick it up and I was almost in tears doing it. Dog shouldnt have had the chance because Billy should have done his job and cleaned the kitchen and taken the danged trash out but instead he let it build up for 4 days and piled it up on top of the trash can in two huge black bags and the the dog pulled one huge bag down and strewed that big bag all over the floor! Trash with fluid and nasty stuff all over the floor. I tried to pick it up in the night but i couldt do it and he came out in the morning and just kicked in into a corner and went on about his day. Now he had off two whole days while Tony was gone working and only worked a half a day another. Tony left on Thursday. Cory is working with him now so he wasnt around (TG!) Billy worked from 1 to 9 on thursday but I had sent him an email telling him he was responsible from now on for the entire kitchen duties, including all washing of every eating and cooking utensils, cleaning off all counters, taking out all trash, cooking all meals and figuring out what we need for meals. If I am able to go the store I will go, if no, I will send him. Billy wasnt happy I sent that to him on face book. Boo hoo. He should be doing that anyway I think.

    Well tony came home tonight and the place was a pigstye. He heard from me on the phone that all Billy had brought me home to eat was a dollar cheeseburger because "he was trying to save him money" again as an excuse but I certainly wasnt cheap when I paid for dinners when I bought chinese for both of us during the week end! So he tip toed into my door and looked at me and said, NOT AT YOU OK? and I nodded my head and he went on a rampage through the kitchen at the top of his lungs throwing things in the trash saying he didnt understand how anyone could walk past this kitchen multiple times day and not smell how nasty it smelled and NOT do something about it. Some one just had to plain Fing nasty to do that. And how could you just look at the kitchen and know that the person who normally did the work in there was sitting in a bed disabled and not even lift a finger to help out? Absolutely disgusting.

    See...Tonys mom was disabled by the time she died and he and his brothers had to take care of her and they would have let it get to this shape. I think thats what bothers him the most. I am really going to talk to my doctor about getting a hospital bed and a nurse or aid who can come in and help me a few days a week. I need someone who can at least help me do my own laundry. If I can get one of those electric scooters it may fit through the doors that the wheelchair doesnt because the chair has the handles and all.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow....HUGS. I am glad Tony rose to the occasion....and disheartened to hear Billy did not. I think getting a scooter is a fantastic idea...anything that will increase your independence.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If you can, get them to bring a range of scooters to your place so you can check how well they manouver. Also check how well they manage any hills in your area, how far they can range and make sure you have somewhere safe and sheltered for you to plug them in to charge. Be prepared to have to put in a ramp to help you over steps etc. Also, I would be very wary of a 3-wheeler for you. Yes they are more manouverable, but they are also more unstable and I've been tipped out of one twice.

    My current scooter is a four-wheeler and I feel a lot safer.


  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Here is an idea, let Billy clean the kitchen once a day- around 8pm every day when Tony is home. This way it'll be clean by the time you're ready for bed.

    Also, have Billy get out the crock pot. He can easily throw a roast, beef cubes, chicken,'ll give him a list once a week, you plan the can even peel the veggies and cut them up, he can easily put in whatever you want before he goes to work- or if he's off- things can cook for 8 hours and all 3 of you can have a nice meal. Billy likes to eat out, so fine, he can put it together for just you, and there'll be leftovers for the next day for you.

    He can also clean everthing up at 8pm-when Tony's there to oversee it. You need a new plan with Billy.

    Also, PLEASE JANET...don't bend down and pick things up if it hurts! Don't !! It's ok, someone will come along and get it for you, even if it's something you want to clean.

    I have a crockpot cookbook I can send to you.....everything under the sun is in it.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This doesn't really address Billy pitching in (or not), but I think you should apply for the Home Makeover. Sometimes they throw in scooters, wheelchairs, etc.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Are you actually able to still drive? I mean without the medications? Maybe there's another medication the doctor can give you? If so, that does NOT mean you start doing more! Time for Billy to be in training to do it all!
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I really like that Tony made sure you knew his anger wasn't directed at you before the rampage. {{{Hugs}}}
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Next time...........tony dumps all the garbage onto Billy's computers ect. No joke. Now that would get the boy's attention, because it's what matters to him. Or his bed. My mom did that one, usually didn't take more than twice.

    Awesome of Tony to let you know beforehand his rage was directed at Billy and not you.

  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Janet. Hope your back feels better.

    I love the way Tony came to your defense! Hope Billy caught a clue.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I "think" that Tony has always let you handle the most of our husband's. If so (like at our house) when he does speak up it is more likely to have an impact. Even messed up easy child/difficult child listens and tries to follow thru when quiet husband lays down the issue. Not only is Billy probably sick of your voice, lol, he knows that you are not going to follow thru because you're really not up to the job. If possibly I'd let Tony "be the boss" and you concentrate on being the best you can be.

    by the way, I also think that Billy is probably frightened by your illnesses. Where would he be with you? Just this week easy child/difficult child said "it scares me to realize that you all are getting older because I need you both". This was said after he had been out made me realize that since he doesn't function well, he probably is frightened. Maybe Billy is too. Hugs. DDD
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    DDD made a good point about Billy maybe being afraid of your illnesses.

    My mom came for a visit. I watched astounded as getting in and out of a car is not easy for her......and at least a dozen other little things that disturbed me a TON. I though omg, it's like she grew old over night. She didn't of course, I just don't see her much so this stuff sort of hits me in the face when I do.

    When she openly sobbed when it came time to leave it broke my heart. I told her it is high time she moved over here already. Scares me with her back there with just my bro who is on the road more than he's not.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad Tony told me it wasnt directed at me too because normally when he starts ranting and raging about the kitchen or meals or anything like that everyone just assumes he is yelling at me. I have no idea if Billy realized he wasnt yelling at me to be honest because I dont know if he ever came out of his room but I know Tony was yelling about how I shouldnt be doing any of the stuff out there and that when there were disabled people in the house and things like this go on there were agencies that could be called and arrest people who let people live in such conditions.

    Marg...about the scooter, I would need like a hover round. We live so far out in the country that I couldnt scooter my way into town or anything like that. I wouldnt be scooting to a neighbors or anything because I simply am not close enough to any of them. I can still drive fine once I am in the car. So far. I havent lost use of my legs. Its the standing for any length of time or walking for any length of time. I will need to get a ramp to get in the house though.

    So far Billy hasnt come home yet from work. I know Tony was up when he left for work but I wasnt awake and they didnt make enough noise to wake me up which isnt surprising since Billy doesnt normally yell. I do know that Billy will attempt to push most of this off on me if he can because he will not take responsibility for anything but I have the email I sent him with the date on it. Tony also knows I was hurt when he left.

    We shall see. If this had been Cory, omg, this would have been world war three and Cory would have been tossed in the yard that minute. That is really what irritates me...the complete difference in how he treats them. Oh but I did get the offer that I could go live with either Jamie and Billie or Cory and
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Janet -
    About that scooter / wheelchair...
    These are harder to find used, but they are out there - a quad friend of mine switched to it for when they went out together (i.e. not solo) - it was an athletic wheelchair. It is manual, but so finely tuned that it takes very little to propel it over smooth surfaces (i.e. indoors) - and tough enough to take going "cross-country".
    But the key point is... these are NARROWER than a standard wheelchair. Its all in the engineering...

    Just in case you happen to run into one...
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thats one of the issues with my manual wheelchair. It wont fit through my bedroom doors and it is hardly able to fit around the island in the kitchen. I can be pushed around it but I cant turn it while going around the island. I do need the wider wheelchair though because I am obese.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Mom was so bad that Dad had a new house built... with 36" interior doors and 4' hallways.
    We didn't have the options back then... and the old standard EJ wheelchair couldn't handle a 1920-style 2-story!

    Reno time??
    I've got two strong, skilled, able-bodied fellows I could hire out - but they don't have US work permits.

    I don't know what funding you have available there... here, there are service clubs and such (Kinsmen, for one) as well as government programs, that will pay for certain renos to enable someone who needs a wheelchair to stay in their own home. Among the commonly-paid-for items are... ramps, and wider doors, and bathroom makeovers so you have something that works (wheelchair shower? tub with lift? walk-in tub?) and sometimes kitchen modifications (won't do makeovers, costs too much).
  16. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    To me, an outsider, this is part of the problem. Did Billy know he was even talking to him? Wouldn't it have been much more useful for him to get Billy out of his room, bring him into the kitchen and actually show him what he was talking about? For all we know, Billy had earphones on!

    My opinion, family meeting time. Calm, no raised voices, just the facts. From Tony, "your mom can't do this anymore - she is physically unable". "I am asking you, as a grown man, to begin carrying more responsibility. You can start by taking the TRASH out once a day, doing the grocery shopping, your mother will provide you with a list, and any other chores your mother needs help with. I will pitch in more as well. As a family, we need to adjust to your mom's decreased mobility."

    Janet, I also don't think FB was a good idea either. Was there a reason you couldn't talk to him face to face? It just appears, again to the outside me, that you all aren't really respecting each other.

    I think the crock pot idea is a great one! You could probably sit at the kitchen table and cut the meat and veggies and everything is in one pot - much less clean-up! I use the crock pot a couple times a week now that I am working. Here's a great website This lady challenged herself to cook something in her slow cooker every day for a year! She completed that a while ago and is still blogging! I've gotten tons of recipes that I have catered to our likes. You can even purchase the crock pot cooking bags (I use them) so you don't even have to clean the crock! I know you want to feel like you are doing something. Can you sit or are you pretty much limited to laying down now?

    I'm sorry that you are in so much pain Janet. I hope you are able to get some services that might include having someone help you out around the house a little and perhaps get you out of the house as well. I also hope you can qualify for a scooter. I would be talking to the doctor about writing an RX for it so it might be 100% covered.

    Janet, I hope you don't think I was too harsh. I'm just thinking that if everyone sits together and goes into the discussion with the thought that there will be no raised voices, no judgements, no talking about what happened yesterday - just laying out the plan moving forward, perhaps things will slowly fall into place.

  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon, you have some very good points. About the FB, the reason I did that was I was trying to get it to him late that night and he has several email accounts and I have no clue which one he is now using actively that goes to his phone so I sent it to his FB. It was the only way I could be sure he would see it because he checks his FB every day. I didnt say anything bad though. I just asked him to do more to help me.

    As far as sitting at the kitchen table...well my house is shaped strangely. We dont have a kitchen table. I dont have a table at all right now. I have a dining room table that is put up in my closet but no chairs for it because the boys ruined all of them. But that is neither here nor there. My kitchen has this weird T shaped island in it that I thought was so cool when I bought it but has turned out to be nothing but a huge pain in the butt. The leg of the T is lower than the -- part and I guess you are supposed to put little stools at it but they would have to be very low and now it is just a catch all for mail and junk - plus the trash can goes under it. This big old island takes up the entire square footage of the kitchen. And my kitchen is really pretty big. If the island was gone it would be big. I could probably put a small kitchen table in there if the island was gone.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Janet -
    I'm serious about "reno time". I could redesign your whole house for you, but that's probably not a good idea. I do, however, have TONS of creative work-arounds, many of which I've actually used or seen used.

    For starters - get rid of that &(*&(*&*(& island. (I don't swear... but the odd expletitive does escape from my keyboard). Make room for a table - it is absolutely critical to facilitating family communication.
    Better yet, re-design the island so its a combo of mini-island and table, but wheelchair/scooter accessible. With a bar-fridge under or on it... someone else can put into that fridge the stuff you're going to need tomorrow for puttering around - your eating, any food prep you can muster... all of it at your finger tips.

    If I knew roughly how your house was laid out (sketch of floor plan with rough measurements) I could show you how to get a "flow pattern" going so the wheelchair can take you where you need to go.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IC...let me see if I can find any floor plans for comparable mobile homes online.
  20. seriously

    seriously New Member

    If you have a diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis I don't see any immune suppressant medications in your list. Maybe this is an avenue worth exploring with your rheumatologist?