I'm sick at heart. I don't know if difficult child is using, or if he's delusional, or what's up. He got angry today because I removed three cans of chew from his bedroom (one of my recent rules: no chew in the bedroom, because he repeatedly used it there after being told not to). He accused me of sneaking and skulking around and being dishonest in not telling him at the time. At the time, he was outside working with husband for an hour or so. I wasn't about to run outside with it and have a confrontation, just figured I'd bring it up when it was convenient to me. difficult child showed that he can control his temper if he wants ... kept his voice down and looked angry but controlled himself. He kept telling me I NEED to tell him if I want to take something of his out of his room, whereas I told him that if something is there that I've expressly forbidden, regardless of whether he bought it himself, I will remove it, period. He got to the point of telling husband and I that he's just waiting to get enough $$ saved to move out into an apartment (hooray!). Shook husband up. difficult child went downstairs to his (basement) bedroom very angry, slamming the door etc. Then husband found a dry erase/corkboard message board in the garage that had been stabbed multiple times with a blade and ripped to pieces. We checked among the Pony Club supplies in the storage room and sure enough, it was the board daughter uses at Pony Club rallies to post schedules. There were knife marks (12) in the wall as well, and he'd stabbed into a cardboard box holding one of her riding helmets and ripped the velvet on the helmet. husband confronted him and asked him when HE was planning to tell us about this, given his anger that I hadn't told him what I'd done. difficult child said he'd done it Friday night after husband and daughter and I went to Pittsburgh for a 25th anniversary celebration (we left daughter with one of her other brothers overnight, it wasn't a matter of leaving difficult child out of a family thing). He told us we drive him crazy, that we're pushing him over the edge, and that we obviously want him to leave home and be homeless (I know, non sequitur but that's how our conversations go). He said we'd said something - but wouldn't or couldn't say what - on Friday that 'made' him slash the board and wall. The violence with which the board was stabbed up and torn apart was scary. I also found a can of compressed air on his desk today (he never cleans his keyboard) and wondered again, as I did after finding an empty Pledge can in his garbage, if he's huffing. I haven't found evidence of drugs since he came home in May but have wondered at times if he's getting stuff - he was doing so much all semester that I find it hard to believe he simply stopped completely cold turkey. He did keep sneaking alcohol but I finally, last week, persuaded husband that we must get rid of everything after another 9 beers were sniffed out and disappeared, and so everything is now gone. difficult child has had one rage this summer that was scary and I told him if he makes motions as though he's going to hit me, I'll call the police and he'll be gone. In that scenario he'd be in jail, as he's out on bond right now for pot possession and paraphernalia. The frustrating and worrying thing is that difficult child's perception of reality is frequently really ... off. He twists things, tells us we've said things that we absolutely have not, and generally seems to be deluded about himself and what he's doing. For example, he tells us repeatedly, constantly, what a hard worker he is and how he does 'everything' around the house, how he's the 'go to' guy because his brothers will never help with anything and if they do, they mess it up, etc. The reality: he sleeps in daily, has to be told to shower and put on fresh clothes, his bedroom is covered in heaps of clothes and junk, his bed is torn apart with sheets on the floor, his bathroom smells of urine and frequently has no toilet tissue (eewww), and as for getting him to do things - it takes a morning of pushing and prodding to get him outside to give an hour's assistance to husband, who will put in six to eight hours of outside work himself; difficult child will occasionally 'clean the kitchen', meaning he puts his plate in the dishwasher and leaves his pans for someone else to wash; he will always say, 'I'll take care of it' and only do so when forced to, and then in anger. Yet he insists that he does 'everything' and will get into a screaming fight over it! He just seems ... deluded. He looks scruffy and unkempt, constantly complains of severe fatigue or nonspecific 'illness', and spends hours each day playing video games and watching TV. In spite of going to outpatient rehab each week (2 groups and 1 private session) and seemingly being clean and sober, he doesn't look right. His psychiatrist doesn't see him very often and seems taken in by difficult child's view of things - such as that husband is evil incarnate and the cause of all bad things, etc. When I'm not sitting in, I'm sure it's me who's the devil incarnate. Anyway, the psychiatrist is not helpful with the borderline acting out (cutting etc.) that difficult child has done this summer and doesn't seem very clued in. husband is completely depressed, anticipating that difficult child will leave home shortly and be dead on the street within a week. I'm so tired of the weirdness (difficult child has stabbed inanimate things for years) but also freaked out by the latest destruction. I'm starting to feel unsure about our general safety. Yet the next morning, difficult child is typically matter-of-fact, as if nothing's happened ... until it happens again or he blows up again. Thoughts? I'm chasing mine in circles.