SuZir
Well-Known Member
First you hear through the grapevine how you spoiled your kid rotten, were too soft and didn't keep any discipline. Couple of hours later, you are told by someone, that he is surprised that you are not total despot and overly strict and controlling parent, who has ruined your kid with excessive discipline. Normal day for a parent of a difficult child, I guess.
But my husband is little aghast and don't believe me, when I tell him, that it is same for everyone (well, everyone who does still try) with a difficult child child. I promised to ask from you, if there actually is a parent somewhere, who has got it right.
These comments on themselves I find amusing to be honest. Most amusing thing is, that they come from two coaches, who coached difficult child mostly same time. Other one from his longer time positional coach during his junior years, other from a guy who was his junior team's head coach for a year. Both agree, that difficult child was very difficult, sly, passive-aggressive and backstabbing. Both assumed that it was my and husband's fault, but in totally opposite reasons.
difficult child's current positional coach has been calling his former ones for background info and tips. And been little flabbergasted how differently this junior times coach and his first pro coach thought of him and told to latter, what first one had told. And he again gossiped it to me. For his defence I have to say, that he really cares for my boy and he is worried that advices first coach gives may be bad for difficult child. And I'm a logical person for him to call and share his worries. Apparently junior coach had told that difficult child is totally spoilt, had never been disciplined before he entered under him, is still oppositional and backstabbing because he resents to be disciplined because he never was before the age of 13 and to survive with him, the new coach needs to be very harsh, use a lot of stick and nip any kind of oppositional behaviour in the bud. I can imagine the new coach being little flabbergasted, when he after hearing that called the next coach and he tells, that difficult child needs to be taught through positive and while expectations should be clear and high and not letting him slack off, the most important thing is to encourage difficult child to have fun on the field and keep positive outlook even in tougher spots and discipline with using carrot rather than stick. I do wonder what the third coach (last year one) will have to tell, but unfortunately I don't think I will find out.
But anyway, I got a message loud and clear, difficult child's junior time positional coach thinks we ruined difficult child by being too soft.
Now the head coach from the same time, is currently involved with one program easy child is part of and husband ended up giving him a drive. He told husband how surprised he has been when getting to know easy child. About easy child being so open and proactive and positive. That he had always figured out that we were extremely harsh, strict and controlling parents and that is why difficult child was so sullen and reactive and backstabbing and silently oppositional and negative, while still knowing his manners when he wanted to and seemingly submitting to me and minding our rules. Okay, the coach tried to be polite about it, but that was how husband heard it still.
So in one day we hear we were both extreme wimps and tyrannical to our difficult child.
It is a bit like when in parenting therapy when difficult child was young and we were told difficult child had ODD and that it is something child develops, when they are constantly demanded more than they can deliver and get too much negative attention and not enough positive. And to treat it, we had to be consistent with discipline and have clear and understandable expectations for difficult child. Okay, that at least made some form of sense and following those directions even helped some (mainly adding more positive reinforcement and making sure difficult child understood our expectations and was able to deliver and we were not demanding something he wasn't able to do.) But it felt just as contradictory the first time we heard that.
PS. Yes, it definitely feels like Jerry Springer Show at times. We live in far too small country and sport circles are even smaller
But my husband is little aghast and don't believe me, when I tell him, that it is same for everyone (well, everyone who does still try) with a difficult child child. I promised to ask from you, if there actually is a parent somewhere, who has got it right.
These comments on themselves I find amusing to be honest. Most amusing thing is, that they come from two coaches, who coached difficult child mostly same time. Other one from his longer time positional coach during his junior years, other from a guy who was his junior team's head coach for a year. Both agree, that difficult child was very difficult, sly, passive-aggressive and backstabbing. Both assumed that it was my and husband's fault, but in totally opposite reasons.
difficult child's current positional coach has been calling his former ones for background info and tips. And been little flabbergasted how differently this junior times coach and his first pro coach thought of him and told to latter, what first one had told. And he again gossiped it to me. For his defence I have to say, that he really cares for my boy and he is worried that advices first coach gives may be bad for difficult child. And I'm a logical person for him to call and share his worries. Apparently junior coach had told that difficult child is totally spoilt, had never been disciplined before he entered under him, is still oppositional and backstabbing because he resents to be disciplined because he never was before the age of 13 and to survive with him, the new coach needs to be very harsh, use a lot of stick and nip any kind of oppositional behaviour in the bud. I can imagine the new coach being little flabbergasted, when he after hearing that called the next coach and he tells, that difficult child needs to be taught through positive and while expectations should be clear and high and not letting him slack off, the most important thing is to encourage difficult child to have fun on the field and keep positive outlook even in tougher spots and discipline with using carrot rather than stick. I do wonder what the third coach (last year one) will have to tell, but unfortunately I don't think I will find out.
But anyway, I got a message loud and clear, difficult child's junior time positional coach thinks we ruined difficult child by being too soft.
Now the head coach from the same time, is currently involved with one program easy child is part of and husband ended up giving him a drive. He told husband how surprised he has been when getting to know easy child. About easy child being so open and proactive and positive. That he had always figured out that we were extremely harsh, strict and controlling parents and that is why difficult child was so sullen and reactive and backstabbing and silently oppositional and negative, while still knowing his manners when he wanted to and seemingly submitting to me and minding our rules. Okay, the coach tried to be polite about it, but that was how husband heard it still.
So in one day we hear we were both extreme wimps and tyrannical to our difficult child.
It is a bit like when in parenting therapy when difficult child was young and we were told difficult child had ODD and that it is something child develops, when they are constantly demanded more than they can deliver and get too much negative attention and not enough positive. And to treat it, we had to be consistent with discipline and have clear and understandable expectations for difficult child. Okay, that at least made some form of sense and following those directions even helped some (mainly adding more positive reinforcement and making sure difficult child understood our expectations and was able to deliver and we were not demanding something he wasn't able to do.) But it felt just as contradictory the first time we heard that.
PS. Yes, it definitely feels like Jerry Springer Show at times. We live in far too small country and sport circles are even smaller
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