Too soft! Too strict! Ever known anyone who parented a difficult child right?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, Aug 31, 2013.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    First you hear through the grapevine how you spoiled your kid rotten, were too soft and didn't keep any discipline. Couple of hours later, you are told by someone, that he is surprised that you are not total despot and overly strict and controlling parent, who has ruined your kid with excessive discipline. Normal day for a parent of a difficult child, I guess.

    But my husband is little aghast and don't believe me, when I tell him, that it is same for everyone (well, everyone who does still try) with a difficult child child. I promised to ask from you, if there actually is a parent somewhere, who has got it right.

    These comments on themselves I find amusing to be honest. Most amusing thing is, that they come from two coaches, who coached difficult child mostly same time. Other one from his longer time positional coach during his junior years, other from a guy who was his junior team's head coach for a year. Both agree, that difficult child was very difficult, sly, passive-aggressive and backstabbing. Both assumed that it was my and husband's fault, but in totally opposite reasons. :hammer:

    difficult child's current positional coach has been calling his former ones for background info and tips. And been little flabbergasted how differently this junior times coach and his first pro coach thought of him and told to latter, what first one had told. And he again gossiped it to me. For his defence I have to say, that he really cares for my boy and he is worried that advices first coach gives may be bad for difficult child. And I'm a logical person for him to call and share his worries. Apparently junior coach had told that difficult child is totally spoilt, had never been disciplined before he entered under him, is still oppositional and backstabbing because he resents to be disciplined because he never was before the age of 13 and to survive with him, the new coach needs to be very harsh, use a lot of stick and nip any kind of oppositional behaviour in the bud. I can imagine the new coach being little flabbergasted, when he after hearing that called the next coach and he tells, that difficult child needs to be taught through positive and while expectations should be clear and high and not letting him slack off, the most important thing is to encourage difficult child to have fun on the field and keep positive outlook even in tougher spots and discipline with using carrot rather than stick. I do wonder what the third coach (last year one) will have to tell, but unfortunately I don't think I will find out.

    But anyway, I got a message loud and clear, difficult child's junior time positional coach thinks we ruined difficult child by being too soft.

    Now the head coach from the same time, is currently involved with one program easy child is part of and husband ended up giving him a drive. He told husband how surprised he has been when getting to know easy child. About easy child being so open and proactive and positive. That he had always figured out that we were extremely harsh, strict and controlling parents and that is why difficult child was so sullen and reactive and backstabbing and silently oppositional and negative, while still knowing his manners when he wanted to and seemingly submitting to me and minding our rules. Okay, the coach tried to be polite about it, but that was how husband heard it still.

    So in one day we hear we were both extreme wimps and tyrannical to our difficult child. :crazy2:

    It is a bit like when in parenting therapy when difficult child was young and we were told difficult child had ODD and that it is something child develops, when they are constantly demanded more than they can deliver and get too much negative attention and not enough positive. And to treat it, we had to be consistent with discipline and have clear and understandable expectations for difficult child. Okay, that at least made some form of sense and following those directions even helped some (mainly adding more positive reinforcement and making sure difficult child understood our expectations and was able to deliver and we were not demanding something he wasn't able to do.) But it felt just as contradictory the first time we heard that.
    PS. Yes, it definitely feels like Jerry Springer Show at times. We live in far too small country and sport circles are even smaller :hammer:
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is no parent on earth who "gets it right." There is no one way to parent any child. It is not possible to train a child like a dog and the child is not always going to want to please us and just because we say something the perfect way, he is not going to always respond the perfect way. The more difficult the temperament of our child is, the harder it is going to be to achieve childhood compliance. Although people off the street such as grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins, "friends", enemies, neighbors, teachers, etc. tend to think they understand why kids turn out the way that they do, even medical people aren't sure. We do now know that Freud was wrong (you ever wish you had a penis, in penis envy). A lot of how a child turns out is genetic.

    In the adoption world, most of us know that no matter how we raise our child the child is far more likely to be like his birthparents than us. There is a lot of DNA in everything about our children and ourselves. People who don't know that aren't worth paying attention to. Perhaps your older son is like his birth father and easy child is easier because he doesn't share that part of his brother's DNA. It is not your fault how your grown kids turn out. His coaches have absolutely zero training in human psychology. Their opinion is biased, due to things they were told probably by their own parents. Some people think if you don't clobber your kid, you are too soft.

    Does it matter what they think? I'd give them the raspberries and put it out of your head.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Well, in the matter of fact, I do have penis envy quite often. In fact every time, when I 'gotta go' in nature while hiking etc. especially in winter time ;)

    I don't think they are so convinced about genes making difference in everything any more in science world. And they have always thought at least half is environmental. And new studies seem to be going more to that direction again. A different thing of course is, that 'environmental' is so much more than parenting. And also in parenting there is no 'one size fits all'-model. And to be honest, while I and husband have done many mistakes with difficult child, we have also done helluva lot of good work, too. difficult child's biological father is not a difficult child though. More intensive and edgier than husband for sure (he is after all very easy going guy for most of the time), but certainly someone who most would describe as a high achiever and an outstanding citizen. I'm much more of a difficult child than either husband or difficult child's biological father.
  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Only time I had penis envy was when I found out the guy I was training to do my same job got $35 more a week for having one.

    About what those coaches said I think it was more a testimonial to how ignorant they are rather then an issue of whether you parented the kid right. If the kid is alive and functioning assume you did enough right and enjoy your weekend.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Suzir, you crack me up!!! I wouldn't want to carry that ... thing... around, having it corrode my brain!!!! (wink)

    I think you do a fine job with a tempermental kid who would have been that way regardless. I'd ignore the coaches (who have penses) :) You gave him a loving home and a good environment and a chance to do what he loves to do, if you want to hit the environmental side. He is a lucky young man and you are a wonderful mother and have a very funny sense of humor!!!!
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I have always said that my momma was right when she said that testosterone causes brain damage. It is the ONLY way to explain some things about my husband, my daddy, and most of the males in the family. But that is another topic all together.

    Mostly I think other's criticisms of my parenting are about as relevant to my life as mushrooms are. I don't like mushrooms. The textures is awful either raw or cooked, the taste is not to my liking and I get a rash and wheeze if I eat them. If I pay attention to other people's opinions of my parenting, well, I have about the same reaction. My life works perfectly fine without either of those things, thank you very much. I had a LOT of people think I was/am evil incarnate due to Wiz' behavior and the way we treated him. Esp because we had him live elsewhere from age 14 on. People STILL think that was because we didn't want him or hated him or whatever. It was to keep him out of prison and to keep him from killing himself after he realized he killed his sister or I in a fit of rage. He would have then killed himself, and that would have destroyed all of us. Or he would have ended up in the juvenile prison here that is incredibly dangerous and he would not have survived. I could name ten boys who were killed by being beaten/stomped by staff in the last twenty years there, and I would do ANYTHING to keep my children away from that place. It is truly a training ground for a life in prison IF you survive. It isn't uncommon for kids who will be sent there to kill themselves rather than to go there, and it is a BIG problem that people work hard to ignore. NOt my kids, not for anything. I gave Wiz up rather than have him go there, and it almost destroyed me. but people don't see that, don't know what he was like at home, and even my own parents were totally astounded and shocked by his behavior once he settled into their home. Both of my parents have totally revised their opinion of my parenting of him after that because of the things that he did that NO ONE but the adults in his home ever saw.

    So I learned to totally ignore other people's opinions of my parenting. I know I did my absolute best for him, and do for my other kids as well. Sure I make mistakes, big ones. But I try not to repeat them, and when I know better and am able to do better, I do.

    So do you. So ignore these idiots. They are talking out of their tushies.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Actually Freud was about more than penis envy and some of his theories are still in use today. Not in the same form as Freud used them but we often talk about ego and how that has an effect on behavior. The things he said have just been renamed essentially.

    I have always had to laugh when people say we should have been harder on difficult child. If we had been any harder we would have been guilty of abuse. However as difficult child says, he deserved every butt whipping he ever got except for one.

    And I do think some things are genetic but a ton is environment.
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    No one ever parents a difficult child right because all those on the outside looking in want to blame the parents! It can't be the kids fault, or school's fault, or their fault, so it must be the parents fault. It always has to be someones fault for them. (Yes, sometimes it is clearly one persons fault, but most of the time parents and professionals are all trying their hardest for the kids.) I am blamed for my kids behavior all the time. Ann pulls all her clothes out of her drawer then I'm a bad mom for not giving her enough attention. difficult child 1 has anxiety I'm not a good mom for not reassuring him enough. difficult child 2 smears poo I should've done more sensory diet stuff with him. Ect... When I was told by a family member that if she could just take difficult child 1 from me and parent him herself he would be fine I stopped listening. The advice of those who haven't lived with my difficult children just doesn't matter. Even professionals I like and respect give me advice occasionally that I toss out the window either because it isn't in their field of expertise or they aren't taking into consideration what it is really like to live with my kids. Those coaches all have no clue and aren't worth listening to. Still is jaw dropping to actually hear it though.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Lia... I'll agree with you on the parents... the majority are fighting tooth and nail with whatever resources they have. But... professionals? proportions on our cases are no where near half being truly "professional" much less "caring".

    Parents get blamed because professionals don't want to put in the effort to do their job.