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Too tired to stress anymore.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 714577" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome More2life. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you are going thru such a difficult time with your daughter, I can relate. My daughter is 44 and I began on this forum when I was in a very similar place as you are now.</p><p></p><p>First of all, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. I hope it brings you some solace. You are not alone.</p><p></p><p> You may also want to get online and connect with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and offer really good resources for us parents. They have a course for parents which is excellent. They can provide you with guidance, support and options.</p><p></p><p>If you are not already, I would strongly suggest you find a therapist. Shop around if you have to, ask friends for recommendations, find someone who you feel safe with and where you can share yourself freely and receive the guidance and support you require and deserve. Therapy helps in many ways, for me foremost was to correct my "faulty" thinking in enabling. Loving our daughters in the way most parents love their children doesn't work with Borderline's or with conduct disorders, we have to learn a very different way and it often goes against how we perceive love, parenting, support and helping. For me, to learn a different way necessitated professional help, I knew I could not do it on my own. </p><p></p><p>I don't know what to tell you about the grands, I'm sure you've looked at many options already and short of getting guardianship or custody, the truth is you are pretty powerless to "save" them. It may be of some comfort to you to understand that many of us, including myself, have come from highly dysfunctional original families and we have not only survived, but thrived. Your grands have had you and others who are healthy and that means a lot in the big picture. The destiny of our children and our grandchildren is not up to us, they have to walk thru their lives and find their own fate. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do for your daughter. You are <u><em>powerless</em>,</u> the most difficult lesson to learn on this journey, in my opinion. We believe if we just do this one more thing, pay one more bill, buy one more car, help one more time, it will be the answer. It rarely is. We have to stop. As you know, if we don't stop, we get "<em>sick to my heart and soul.</em>" The sheer desperation, the agony of powerlessness, the pain of watching as their lives erupt in chaos and drama is simply too much to bear. All we can do is remove ourselves from the hamster wheel they created and learn a very different way to respond. </p><p></p><p>Your words clearly show the pain and misery you are in. It jumps off the page. I am so, so very sorry. Often when I read stories like yours it brings me back to that time I was standing in your shoes......I know how much pain you are in......I get it. But here is the truth More2life, <em>you can change</em>. You can find support and you can get out of this tangled web you find yourself in....it requires a strong commitment and intention and you'll have to learn different ways to respond and different ways to act. It is not easy, but it IS doable. </p><p></p><p>I believe because of my own experience, that this is often about loving ourselves enough to put ourselves as the priority. Often we believe, as mothers, that our children are more valuable and deserve more than we do. This is not true and I believe it hurts us AND our children to model that thinking to them. So, for me it was a journey to learn to set boundaries, say no, to learn to nurture and care for myself, to find ways to let go and accept what I cannot change. You did not cause this, you cannot change it or fix it, that is up to your daughter. And once you remove yourself from the chaos and drama, she will find another way. </p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is, I know how much it hurts your heart every single day. You absolutely deserve to have a life of joy and peace. There is SO much more to life, as your name says. </p><p></p><p>Often we parents hit our own "bottom." It sounds to me like you have hit yours. The good news is from here you can rise. Choose life. Choose joy. Choose peace. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here, keep posting, it helps. </p><p></p><p>Do one nurturing and very kind thing for yourself today. One small step. And each day add to it. Each small step leads to large changes. Sending you a big hug......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 714577, member: 13542"] Welcome More2life. I'm sorry you are going thru such a difficult time with your daughter, I can relate. My daughter is 44 and I began on this forum when I was in a very similar place as you are now. First of all, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. I hope it brings you some solace. You are not alone. You may also want to get online and connect with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and offer really good resources for us parents. They have a course for parents which is excellent. They can provide you with guidance, support and options. If you are not already, I would strongly suggest you find a therapist. Shop around if you have to, ask friends for recommendations, find someone who you feel safe with and where you can share yourself freely and receive the guidance and support you require and deserve. Therapy helps in many ways, for me foremost was to correct my "faulty" thinking in enabling. Loving our daughters in the way most parents love their children doesn't work with Borderline's or with conduct disorders, we have to learn a very different way and it often goes against how we perceive love, parenting, support and helping. For me, to learn a different way necessitated professional help, I knew I could not do it on my own. I don't know what to tell you about the grands, I'm sure you've looked at many options already and short of getting guardianship or custody, the truth is you are pretty powerless to "save" them. It may be of some comfort to you to understand that many of us, including myself, have come from highly dysfunctional original families and we have not only survived, but thrived. Your grands have had you and others who are healthy and that means a lot in the big picture. The destiny of our children and our grandchildren is not up to us, they have to walk thru their lives and find their own fate. There is nothing you can do for your daughter. You are [U][I]powerless[/I],[/U] the most difficult lesson to learn on this journey, in my opinion. We believe if we just do this one more thing, pay one more bill, buy one more car, help one more time, it will be the answer. It rarely is. We have to stop. As you know, if we don't stop, we get "[I]sick to my heart and soul.[/I]" The sheer desperation, the agony of powerlessness, the pain of watching as their lives erupt in chaos and drama is simply too much to bear. All we can do is remove ourselves from the hamster wheel they created and learn a very different way to respond. Your words clearly show the pain and misery you are in. It jumps off the page. I am so, so very sorry. Often when I read stories like yours it brings me back to that time I was standing in your shoes......I know how much pain you are in......I get it. But here is the truth More2life, [I]you can change[/I]. You can find support and you can get out of this tangled web you find yourself in....it requires a strong commitment and intention and you'll have to learn different ways to respond and different ways to act. It is not easy, but it IS doable. I believe because of my own experience, that this is often about loving ourselves enough to put ourselves as the priority. Often we believe, as mothers, that our children are more valuable and deserve more than we do. This is not true and I believe it hurts us AND our children to model that thinking to them. So, for me it was a journey to learn to set boundaries, say no, to learn to nurture and care for myself, to find ways to let go and accept what I cannot change. You did not cause this, you cannot change it or fix it, that is up to your daughter. And once you remove yourself from the chaos and drama, she will find another way. I know how hard this is, I know how much it hurts your heart every single day. You absolutely deserve to have a life of joy and peace. There is SO much more to life, as your name says. Often we parents hit our own "bottom." It sounds to me like you have hit yours. The good news is from here you can rise. Choose life. Choose joy. Choose peace. I'm glad you're here, keep posting, it helps. Do one nurturing and very kind thing for yourself today. One small step. And each day add to it. Each small step leads to large changes. Sending you a big hug...... [/QUOTE]
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