Took my difficult child to the police station tonight

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Aug 27, 2010.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    My charming 17 yr old difficult child has decided to play a game of chicken with me. He is pushing me to change the rules or else he plans to move out. To where? To sleep on the couch of a 30 yr old single mom's house who already allows two 18 yr old difficult child to bunk with her.

    He's grounded but asked to "go on a walk". As I have half a brain, I gave him twenty minutes and then went out to "happen to find him". He's walking with a girl. He sees me and hands her something. A cell phone. I tell him to get in the car.

    I decided to pay a little visit to the local police station. He wasn't aware that was what was going to happen. He sat in the car while I talked with the officer. Told him difficult child had stolen my credit card and might decide to make off with a car titled in my name and would he please talk to him. They had a long chat.

    Then I drove to the 30 yr old's house and directly asked her whether she was willing to support my difficult child because if he left (1) I'd sell his car (2) I'd liquidate his college fund and (3) I'd have him picked up on a theft charge. She wisely wiggled out of it. Finally my darling difficult child decided to return home if I would negotiate with him. I said grades, respect and chores were non-negotiable. He came home.

    GTG has offered to get the grades, to be respectful, to do chores daily and to get a part time job. Cha-chang (that's the sound of me hitting the lottery because that is much more than I ever asked for.) What does he want? To be able to have his cell phone back and to be able to have time with his friends. He actually had that before he decided to flunk out and steal my credit card.

    Hmmmm. Too good to be true? ABSOLUTELY. Told him to think about what he was willing to sign and then to write it up for me to sign as well.

    Should be interesting....

    Sad part is -- I am grieving for the loss of the child I once knew. I do not know who this person is. What I do know about him I do not like. I'm actually getting to the point that I wish he would leave. He has worn me down almost to the point of no return. (I'm a single mom, no dad around, no family around, facing huge health issues.)

    Why are they so stupid as to believe they can make it on their own with nothing on their side. Does he actually believe he has ANY chance of surviving in this world on his own without anyone to help or anything? That he can leave with his clothes and go from sofa to sofa and actually be happy?

    He is an idiot.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so with you there!! My difficult child is a month away from being 17 and has put us through sheer hell since she was a baby. No lie! When she was a toddler, I couldn't take her to the beach with out an army because she would literally take off and hang out with complete strangers and I would constantly have to chase her down. Nothing has changed. I had finally had enough the other day and let her move out. Now she can see what life is really like with out mommy and daddy supporting her. I bought her a plane ticket to go live with my mom - flight leaves on Tuesday. I still have no idea if she will be on the plane, but I know one thing, she will never live with me again and my house is beyond peaceful.....
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Peaceful...what a wonderful concept! I have no family to send my difficult child to or he would be long gone.

    It is exhausting.

    I never thought I would want him gone but I do. Have raised him on my own. Am terrified he will do something stupid that I will be held legally responsible for.

    I am happy to hear things are better for you.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like you handled things well. Be sure that you put the amount of time spent with friends in writing, and note that it is conditional on him keeping his job, saving X% of the money, paying his car insurance or the amt yours increases to have him on it, and keeping grades of whatever you think is reasonable. Make sure that it says that if he gets into trouble with the law, uses drugs or substances of any kind, consumes alcohol, drives while under the influence of anything, that he loses ALL privileges.

    I would write down a bit less time than the amt you really think is reasonable because he will want an increase or run late at some point and then you won't be so annoyed. You will even seem nice when it isn't a big deal. Make sure the car is NOT in his name, or at least not his name only.

    I would go back to this woman and tell her that if you learn your son is drinking, using ANY substance/drug, or not coming home on time or having sex or doing anything else he couldn't do with his Grandma and two priests, then you will press charges against her for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, dealing/conspiracy to deal if drugs are around, giving alcohol to a minor, and alienation of affection along with anything else you and your attorney can think of.

    Chances are she will lock the door and board up the windows if she sees difficult child coming after that. Make sure you include suing her for her share of the child support if difficult child has sex at her home, and for all of the doctor bills if he gets and std, including the lifelong care for aids or hepatitis or herpes!! (whether or not you can do that, I don't know. But she isn't likely to know either - and i bet that if you have enough parents of teens on a jury you could get an award to cover that too.

    People like her make me sick.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Just read your earlier thread. This was a good way to handle all of that. I don't know if removing car/cell is a good idea. If he is willing to get a job to pay for them, don't yank them. An uncle of mine let his daughter have her car/cell no matter what because with-o them she would go places with friends and he was well aware that she might not be able to get home and the friends might leave her there if it wasn't convenient to find/wait for her. the cell was hers as long as she called him right back immediately if she couldn't answer her phone fast enough. If she was going to be somewhere too loud to hear the phone it had to be on vibrate and somewhere that she could feel it if he called. Then she had to go right away to somewhere quieter and call him back.

    His ex was nuts (term the psychiatrists used for her) and it was the only way he could have some assurances she was safe and wouldn't run. I don't think your difficult child is used to the things my cousin was (out until midnight on school nights, 2 am on weekends at age 12 as long as mom was with her, etc... Not uncles choices, but he couldn't stop it either), so it may or may not be good to take the cell. The car? Sure. If he is going places he isn't allowed and are unsafe, then he needs to not have it, but he will walk or get friends to take him places. Riding the bus to school is fine, unless it becomes a war over that and he refuses to go to school at all.

    I would get him a BIG thing of condoma and make him talk to you about it. Even if hte girl cannot get pregnant he can, and will, get an STD. In fact I would drag him to the doctor for a checkup and bring this up in front of the doctor. Then you can tell him my story. I was told at age 19 that it was 99.7% impossible for me to get preg or carry a child to term. husband and I married much sooner than planned because I found out at 16 weeks that I was pregnant. We planned to marry later and adopt kids. I have gotten preg 2 months after starting to take the pill twice and the docs think that it took that low dose of BC to get the right hormonal level. The third time I was not on the pill. EACH pregnancy was conceived while using at least one form of bc other than the pill.

    The pill is a very low dose of hormones and for more women than anyone admits it is that hormone boost that allows them to get pregnant easily. He needs to be using a condom anyway because no matter what she says about past partners he is running a risk of infection and so is she. NEVER should he trust that he is the first or that anyone is "clean" until he is in a long term committed relationship that is monogamous. He needs to be in the relationship more than a few months before he can assume it is "long term".

    If he or she is irritated or allergic to latex they do make condoms out of urethane - they look and work just the same but do not provide the latex problems. They should be used with a spermicide, of course.

    Unless he WANTS to have a child and be tied to this girl and her family for the rest of his life, or cut his life short with Aids or imagine having to tell the woman he eventually wants to spend his life with that he has herpes and if they decide to be intimate then she will most likely get it also - and every child they have will have to be treated immediately because if theytravel through the birth canal and are not treated it can get into their eyes and blind them.

    Then give him an idea of how much diapers and formula costs. Look it up online with him, it takes about one large size pack of diapers each week if not more. Add in wipes, clothes, laundry, special laundry soap, baby wash, baby shampoo, etc...

    At his age you really cannot stop him from having sex, regardless of what you do. It is his choice alone. Back when you were 17 was it a choice someone could have made for you and your friends??

    What you CAN do is once again provide him with the info he needs to make an informed decision. He needs to be very aware that it is very very unlikely that a doctor has told this girl she cannot get pregnant, and that he is correct if he did tell her that. If the girl is on the pill she has to take it at exactly the same time every single day. IF she is even an hour late it can result in pregnancy. If she is on other medications, not just antibiotics, it can make the pill less effective or ineffective.

    Then you need to tell him what you will do if his girlfriend is pregnant. Can he live at home? Will you still help him with college costs. Can she live with you? What will you expect of him if that happens? What if they break up? How much child support will he be expected to pay? (you can probably find child support calculators by googling, be sure to include your state)

    He isn't going to want to think of all of this. Who does? But if he is old enough to make this choice he is old enough to pay the piper.

    Make SURE to let him know if he will have to pay the bill for the doctor and any treatment if he gets an std (which seems pretty likely if this girl's mom doesn't care who she has sex with - seems, in my semi-oldfashioned mind like she probably has had at least a couple of partners, which increases the likelihood of stds for all her partners, also seems likely that she has had several partners if she was unconcerned when her mom saw her in bed with your son - you don't get that casula about it if it hasn't happened a few times. Or that is my take on it.). My kids are told when they get "The Talk" (as they call it) that if they have sex as a minor and do NOT use condoms or if they get tattoos as a minor then they will pay ALL the doctor bill and ALL of the cost of any tests/treatments out of their money or I will make them work off the debt at $5 per hour but only if I feel I have gotten a good hour's worth of work out of them. If I say it is a three hour job and it takes them six, unless I made a bad estimate they will get paid for 3 hours IF the job is done properly. If they choose not to finish it I will take every red cent they have/get from anyone and anyoccasion until the bill is paid.

    Wiz tested me. I let him off easy by running the office visit through the insurance and having him only pay the copay. He was saving up for something and planned to get it when we went to the store after the visit. He about lost his teeth when I handed him the forms and told him to go pay at the window. I told him if he gave me any grief it would be about $120 instead of the $20 copay. He could see by my face that I would embarrass him by speaking loudly enough that everyone in the waiting area would hear what I said if he balked.

    Whatever you decide, make SURE that your son can tell by the tone of voice and look on your face that you will carry out every single thing you said if it needs to happen.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I agree you have handled things well. Start thinking about how you will handle it when he turns 18 because at that point he will give you the I am 18 and can do what I want line.

    I have a different suggestion than Susie about this other woman. I would do what I could to build some kind of relationship with her. You may not like her, you may not approve of what she allows with the various teen she lets bunk at her house. Yet that may be a place your difficult child will go if he decides to leave at some point. You want her to be willing to relate to you as a parent and to be willing to give you information. We were just in this situation. We kicked my son out in June. He went to stay with a friend and his parents. We dropped something off for my son and met the dad. He is nothing like us, and there were things I did not agree with at ALL... but I kept my mouth shut. I was very nice and pleasant and he ended up liking us. So every couple of weeks he would call me and check in!! My son was communicating with us some of the time but not always. I got a lot of information from the dad, and he helped my son out quite a bit with things. My attitude was he is helping my kid (and also enabling him) I want to have a good relationship with him. It gave me a LOT of peace of mind to know my son was at least not on the street and to hear how he was doing and also to be able to call the dad if something came up.

    So my suggestion is try to connect with this woman mother to mother. Be careful not to judge her (even if you do to yourself). I figure all the adults that can in one way or another support my son the better...even if the other adults don't always act like adults.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK I just read your other post too.... on this I totally agree with Susie. Don't yank his cell phone because it is a way to keep communication lines open even if he does run. When my son was out of the house I could at least text him. I also agree about the condoms and sex. You can't keep your son from having sex. It is too bad the mother is so casual about it, especially since the consequence of pregnancy is even bigger for the girl. You need to have the talk so that your son at least has the information to protect himself.

    I think I would also call this girlfriend mother? Do you know she was really casual about it or is that what your son says? I would let her know you are concerned about this. See how she reacts. Let her know you are not ready to be a grandmother and are in no way in a position to support a grandchild!!