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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 658832" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>As long as credit doesn't mean money. She's not a kid who needs allowance.</p><p></p><p>Also, I see once again that your daughter is maybe not living with you, but living in your house and therefore not learning the real rules of renting, in which you can't be late. She is very tied to you. You still have her in your clutches. I may be wrong here, but I don't think this is healthy for either of you. She needs to learn consequences for [paying her rent late and you aren't going to give her any the way a landlord who doesn't know her will. She works for you and lives in your house, which she rents. Do you see how you still have your arms around her?</p><p></p><p>To me, all the problems are because maybe, deep inside, you are afraid to let go of her and tell her to disconnect from your cocoon and live on her own in a house you don't own and work at a place you don't own. It is almost impossible to detach from somebody that you have so much control over and can watch every second. By age thirty, I was well away from my family, which I found toxic. Nobody helped me. Both my kids who have reached that age were in their own houses, paying all of their own bills. I was not able to see every frown or worry about every little thing and I liked that and so did they.</p><p></p><p>If you don't disconnect from her, I don't think you will be able to detach from her. It is too hard while they are not on their own. And she's not on her own if you pay her wages and you have her living in your house in which she is not learning how it really is to rent her own house. You are still the owner of the business, the owner of the house, and watching her like she was twenty years younger.</p><p></p><p>To me, this probably keeps her young thinking and acting. If also keeps you joined at her hip and unable to live a life of your own, apart from her. Thirty is, without a doubt, an adult. It's closing in on middle age. There are parents who take care of their 60 year old senior "kids" when they are 80 and they never lived life apart from thie adult child.</p><p></p><p>You have to decide what you want out of life and maybe ponder why you need to have your daughter in your hands. Maybe therapy would help you out. Helped a lot of us TONS! Your problem is her problem because she is a part of it. You two need to go your separate ways and live your own lives, in my opinion. She is way too old to need a "mommy" in her life. A mother is a friend who deals with her adult child in a mature way and t he adult child takes care of herself 100%. A mommy takes care of her adult child as if she were still a little child and needs you to bandage her knees if they are bleeding. There is a big difference. </p><p></p><p>Good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 658832, member: 1550"] As long as credit doesn't mean money. She's not a kid who needs allowance. Also, I see once again that your daughter is maybe not living with you, but living in your house and therefore not learning the real rules of renting, in which you can't be late. She is very tied to you. You still have her in your clutches. I may be wrong here, but I don't think this is healthy for either of you. She needs to learn consequences for [paying her rent late and you aren't going to give her any the way a landlord who doesn't know her will. She works for you and lives in your house, which she rents. Do you see how you still have your arms around her? To me, all the problems are because maybe, deep inside, you are afraid to let go of her and tell her to disconnect from your cocoon and live on her own in a house you don't own and work at a place you don't own. It is almost impossible to detach from somebody that you have so much control over and can watch every second. By age thirty, I was well away from my family, which I found toxic. Nobody helped me. Both my kids who have reached that age were in their own houses, paying all of their own bills. I was not able to see every frown or worry about every little thing and I liked that and so did they. If you don't disconnect from her, I don't think you will be able to detach from her. It is too hard while they are not on their own. And she's not on her own if you pay her wages and you have her living in your house in which she is not learning how it really is to rent her own house. You are still the owner of the business, the owner of the house, and watching her like she was twenty years younger. To me, this probably keeps her young thinking and acting. If also keeps you joined at her hip and unable to live a life of your own, apart from her. Thirty is, without a doubt, an adult. It's closing in on middle age. There are parents who take care of their 60 year old senior "kids" when they are 80 and they never lived life apart from thie adult child. You have to decide what you want out of life and maybe ponder why you need to have your daughter in your hands. Maybe therapy would help you out. Helped a lot of us TONS! Your problem is her problem because she is a part of it. You two need to go your separate ways and live your own lives, in my opinion. She is way too old to need a "mommy" in her life. A mother is a friend who deals with her adult child in a mature way and t he adult child takes care of herself 100%. A mommy takes care of her adult child as if she were still a little child and needs you to bandage her knees if they are bleeding. There is a big difference. Good luck. [/QUOTE]
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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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