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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 659169" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>SG, I have one daughter too.....and I raised her daughter. About 3 1/2 years ago, I would have said a lot of the same things you are saying now.</p><p></p><p>Here's what I have learned.....the way for you to change the dynamic between you and your daughter is for <u>you to change.</u> This ceases to be about your daughter and becomes about YOU. YOU will have to stop the patterned behavior you have begun with your daughter, it is probably throughout her whole life so it is going to take a real commitment from you and in my opinion, a trained professional to help you make the changes. We are quite stubborn when it comes to letting go of our old beliefs and patterns, as human beings, change does not come easy to us, especially, it seems, to parents of troubled kids. We can focus on them until the cows come home, but it is usually to no avail.........it is US who have to change. It is us who have to set strong boundaries and take the risk of responding in a different manner.</p><p></p><p>For me to do it, since I was so entrenched in my own "stuff" I needed a two year long codependency program with therapists trained in codependency issues. I needed a VILLAGE to make the changes. Enabling is too tied up in our beliefs about love and good parenting and what that means.......we often cannot make distinctions between what enabling is and what loving kindness is. For me, it took many, many interruptions in my basic belief system for me to begin to "get it." It was not easy to make those changes......there is often guilt, remorse, anger, resentment, fear, worry, all very real and very tough emotions to go through until you get to the other side and are able to heal, grow and learn a new way to respond. </p><p></p><p>My suggestion to you is to find a very good therapist to assist you in the necessary changes. You might also read books by Pema Chodron who is a good teacher in how to live in uncertainty and chaos and how to respond differently. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie is also a good book. </p><p></p><p>I see that you've read the article on detachment. That is a very good place to begin your journey. Detachment is not only about our connection to our kids, it is not only about parenting, it is about life......to the degree that we have any attachments to the way we believe something SHOULD be, we will suffer. Suffering is "arguing with reality" in any part of life.......and what detachment is at the heart of it is, acceptance......and acceptance in my humble opinion is learned when we have not only exhausted most other avenues but when we have come to accept ourselves without the perfectionism, control, self blame, perpetual focus outside of ourselves and the general lack of kindness many of us exhibit towards ourselves. When we arrive in acceptance, we arrive in peace of mind. </p><p></p><p>This is hard stuff SG, find yourself a good "guide," try to find a parent group, or a 12 step group (Codependents anonymous) that way you will have a number of folks who can tell you the truth when you go back to the patterned, habitual behavior. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. The good news is that you CAN change......if you read our stories here, you will see that......we <u>can</u> come out the other side and live peaceful, joyful lives no matter what our kids are doing or not doing.......miraculous? yes, doable? <u>YES<strong><em>.</em></strong></u> </p><p></p><p>Keep posting, it helps a lot to put down your words where you know they will be understood. Sending you lots of big hugs SG.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 659169, member: 13542"] SG, I have one daughter too.....and I raised her daughter. About 3 1/2 years ago, I would have said a lot of the same things you are saying now. Here's what I have learned.....the way for you to change the dynamic between you and your daughter is for [U]you to change.[/U] This ceases to be about your daughter and becomes about YOU. YOU will have to stop the patterned behavior you have begun with your daughter, it is probably throughout her whole life so it is going to take a real commitment from you and in my opinion, a trained professional to help you make the changes. We are quite stubborn when it comes to letting go of our old beliefs and patterns, as human beings, change does not come easy to us, especially, it seems, to parents of troubled kids. We can focus on them until the cows come home, but it is usually to no avail.........it is US who have to change. It is us who have to set strong boundaries and take the risk of responding in a different manner. For me to do it, since I was so entrenched in my own "stuff" I needed a two year long codependency program with therapists trained in codependency issues. I needed a VILLAGE to make the changes. Enabling is too tied up in our beliefs about love and good parenting and what that means.......we often cannot make distinctions between what enabling is and what loving kindness is. For me, it took many, many interruptions in my basic belief system for me to begin to "get it." It was not easy to make those changes......there is often guilt, remorse, anger, resentment, fear, worry, all very real and very tough emotions to go through until you get to the other side and are able to heal, grow and learn a new way to respond. My suggestion to you is to find a very good therapist to assist you in the necessary changes. You might also read books by Pema Chodron who is a good teacher in how to live in uncertainty and chaos and how to respond differently. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie is also a good book. I see that you've read the article on detachment. That is a very good place to begin your journey. Detachment is not only about our connection to our kids, it is not only about parenting, it is about life......to the degree that we have any attachments to the way we believe something SHOULD be, we will suffer. Suffering is "arguing with reality" in any part of life.......and what detachment is at the heart of it is, acceptance......and acceptance in my humble opinion is learned when we have not only exhausted most other avenues but when we have come to accept ourselves without the perfectionism, control, self blame, perpetual focus outside of ourselves and the general lack of kindness many of us exhibit towards ourselves. When we arrive in acceptance, we arrive in peace of mind. This is hard stuff SG, find yourself a good "guide," try to find a parent group, or a 12 step group (Codependents anonymous) that way you will have a number of folks who can tell you the truth when you go back to the patterned, habitual behavior. Hang in there. The good news is that you CAN change......if you read our stories here, you will see that......we [U]can[/U] come out the other side and live peaceful, joyful lives no matter what our kids are doing or not doing.......miraculous? yes, doable? [U]YES[B][I].[/I][/B][/U] Keep posting, it helps a lot to put down your words where you know they will be understood. Sending you lots of big hugs SG..... [/QUOTE]
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