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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 659184" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SuperG---I found that when I truly was sick and tired enough of it all---every stinkin' last bit of it----sick to death of it in my heart and soul and guts...that is when I was ready to do the work.<em><u><strong> It is WORK.</strong></u></em> It is the hardest work you'll ever do...to change these behaviors and patterns we have put in place for all of their lives, really. </p><p></p><p>You are on the road. </p><p></p><p>Great that you have finished that book. And great that Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is on the way to you. Both are very good reads.</p><p></p><p>You could make a daily practice of sitting with your cup of of coffee in the mornings and read the detachment post on this site. Read it every single day.</p><p></p><p>The act of doing this---of putting this very good healthy thinking in your mind and heart---the same thing, every single day---this is using a tool. And I found that if I use my tools regularly, every day, I start to create new patterns.</p><p></p><p>As RE would say: new neural pathways in our brains start to form. New thinking. New "roads" to walk on in our own minds. </p><p></p><p>And as we walk these new roads, we start to act differently. This is what has to happen for anything to change. We can only change US. And if we can change US, then THEY have a chance to change. No guarantees, but a chance. </p><p></p><p>Right now, with us clogging up their path to adulthood---tossing out that safety net over and over and over again...they don't have a chance. </p><p></p><p>People HAVE to do it. If they don't HAVE to do it, they won't do it. </p><p></p><p>You are going down the path now. Keep walking. Keep going. Keep doing new things. Don't expect your feelings to change right now or for a long time. This is the rub---our feelings tell us to save them, to help them, to get involved, to try to do something...but we have to learn to disconnect our feelings and our actions/behavior. That is what we have to learn to live with, that feeling in our stomach, that intense anxiety, that deep fear, that frustration and disappointment, that love...we have to learn to do something with all of that because we have learned....we know this...that acting on all of those feelings only perpetuates the cycle that does. not. work.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. Hang in there. We get it because are walking the very same road.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 659184, member: 17542"] SuperG---I found that when I truly was sick and tired enough of it all---every stinkin' last bit of it----sick to death of it in my heart and soul and guts...that is when I was ready to do the work.[I][U][B] It is WORK.[/B][/U][/I] It is the hardest work you'll ever do...to change these behaviors and patterns we have put in place for all of their lives, really. You are on the road. Great that you have finished that book. And great that Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is on the way to you. Both are very good reads. You could make a daily practice of sitting with your cup of of coffee in the mornings and read the detachment post on this site. Read it every single day. The act of doing this---of putting this very good healthy thinking in your mind and heart---the same thing, every single day---this is using a tool. And I found that if I use my tools regularly, every day, I start to create new patterns. As RE would say: new neural pathways in our brains start to form. New thinking. New "roads" to walk on in our own minds. And as we walk these new roads, we start to act differently. This is what has to happen for anything to change. We can only change US. And if we can change US, then THEY have a chance to change. No guarantees, but a chance. Right now, with us clogging up their path to adulthood---tossing out that safety net over and over and over again...they don't have a chance. People HAVE to do it. If they don't HAVE to do it, they won't do it. You are going down the path now. Keep walking. Keep going. Keep doing new things. Don't expect your feelings to change right now or for a long time. This is the rub---our feelings tell us to save them, to help them, to get involved, to try to do something...but we have to learn to disconnect our feelings and our actions/behavior. That is what we have to learn to live with, that feeling in our stomach, that intense anxiety, that deep fear, that frustration and disappointment, that love...we have to learn to do something with all of that because we have learned....we know this...that acting on all of those feelings only perpetuates the cycle that does. not. work. We're here for you. Hang in there. We get it because are walking the very same road. [/QUOTE]
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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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