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Tools for Detaching? Difficult Child looks for love in all the wrong places.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659190" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If you don't know of anybody openly in therapy, you can't ask for a referral. Make an appointment and I suggest a female who is not really young. I find it more helpful if they are at least middle age with some experience. I would ask if they do cognitive therapy, which is very good. Usually most therapists mix their approaches and try to see what helps the patient. Go to the appointment. Just like with your daughter, it is YOUR choice if you like the therapist and want to start a relationship wit her, and a therapist is a relationship big time!! If you don't like her, find somebody you do like. I find I clicked with some right off and had to leave a few others who did not meet my needs. They were perfectly nice people, just not a good fit for me. This step, which is huge, is for YOU and YOU alone so it matters if you like her, but you have to take that step and do it.</p><p></p><p>If you are comfortable listening to other stories, 12 step groups like Codapendents Anonymous or Al-Anon are great resources for many of us.They compliment therapy well if you are a person who responds well to listening to how other peers of yours handled dysfunctional family members. You d o not have to ever speak, but you probably will after a certain amount of visits. You will see first hand you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has some great classes. And make no mistake about it. Your daughter's self-interst to the exclusion of your feelings or her childrens make her somewhere in the mentally ill category, probably a personality disorder. Do not waste time feeling sorry for her. Unless she, as an adult, admits this to herself and gets help and works hard at this help, she will remain just as she is and blame you for it.</p><p></p><p>If you had a a dysfunctional famlily growing up, like some of us, you probably want to do all you can for your daughter to give her what you didn't have, but that is destructive. It doesn't work. What you need and she needs are for her to stand alone without working for you or renting from you. I'm betting you don't make her pay much. That is not the real world. With her medical degree, I agree that she can get her own job and it would be less stressful for you. You should not have to tread carefully around her at your own business. That's ridiculous. Often work is a haven.</p><p></p><p>Many of us have read a great book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's on Amazon. It was the beginning of my understanding that I could think of myself first and that it does not mean I'm selfish in general. I thought it did. I thought that putting myself first ever was horrific. It is still hard for me to do it, but I do it anyway these days. After all, I want to enjoy my golden years and not be ruled by everybody in my life.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=amazon]0894864025[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>You deserve to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life. You already raised your daughter. You don't owe her a job and a house and putting up with abuse, which maybe you also suffered with as a child (again some of us have and maybe we didn't think abuse was abnormal since we got used to it as a child and decided we were n Occupational Therapist (OT) worth it and that our abusers speak the truth). Even an adult child has no right to abuse you. On the other hand, you would be happier most likely to let her go and let her handle her own love life. Yes, she will live a wild and crazy one, b uty ou have no control over her bad choices nor are you in any way responsible for them. And if it were me, I wouldn't want to know these fly-by-night boyfriends. Tell your daughter to keep her love life to herself. It upsets you. She may not care that it does, but you have a right to set the boundary and to walk away if she starts up.</p><p></p><p>Nobody has a right to invalidate you or abuse you. Not even your own adult child. NOBODY.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a journey with a good ending. YOU are #1 these days. You did your time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 659190, member: 1550"] If you don't know of anybody openly in therapy, you can't ask for a referral. Make an appointment and I suggest a female who is not really young. I find it more helpful if they are at least middle age with some experience. I would ask if they do cognitive therapy, which is very good. Usually most therapists mix their approaches and try to see what helps the patient. Go to the appointment. Just like with your daughter, it is YOUR choice if you like the therapist and want to start a relationship wit her, and a therapist is a relationship big time!! If you don't like her, find somebody you do like. I find I clicked with some right off and had to leave a few others who did not meet my needs. They were perfectly nice people, just not a good fit for me. This step, which is huge, is for YOU and YOU alone so it matters if you like her, but you have to take that step and do it. If you are comfortable listening to other stories, 12 step groups like Codapendents Anonymous or Al-Anon are great resources for many of us.They compliment therapy well if you are a person who responds well to listening to how other peers of yours handled dysfunctional family members. You d o not have to ever speak, but you probably will after a certain amount of visits. You will see first hand you are not alone. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has some great classes. And make no mistake about it. Your daughter's self-interst to the exclusion of your feelings or her childrens make her somewhere in the mentally ill category, probably a personality disorder. Do not waste time feeling sorry for her. Unless she, as an adult, admits this to herself and gets help and works hard at this help, she will remain just as she is and blame you for it. If you had a a dysfunctional famlily growing up, like some of us, you probably want to do all you can for your daughter to give her what you didn't have, but that is destructive. It doesn't work. What you need and she needs are for her to stand alone without working for you or renting from you. I'm betting you don't make her pay much. That is not the real world. With her medical degree, I agree that she can get her own job and it would be less stressful for you. You should not have to tread carefully around her at your own business. That's ridiculous. Often work is a haven. Many of us have read a great book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's on Amazon. It was the beginning of my understanding that I could think of myself first and that it does not mean I'm selfish in general. I thought it did. I thought that putting myself first ever was horrific. It is still hard for me to do it, but I do it anyway these days. After all, I want to enjoy my golden years and not be ruled by everybody in my life. [MEDIA=amazon]0894864025[/MEDIA] You deserve to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life. You already raised your daughter. You don't owe her a job and a house and putting up with abuse, which maybe you also suffered with as a child (again some of us have and maybe we didn't think abuse was abnormal since we got used to it as a child and decided we were n Occupational Therapist (OT) worth it and that our abusers speak the truth). Even an adult child has no right to abuse you. On the other hand, you would be happier most likely to let her go and let her handle her own love life. Yes, she will live a wild and crazy one, b uty ou have no control over her bad choices nor are you in any way responsible for them. And if it were me, I wouldn't want to know these fly-by-night boyfriends. Tell your daughter to keep her love life to herself. It upsets you. She may not care that it does, but you have a right to set the boundary and to walk away if she starts up. Nobody has a right to invalidate you or abuse you. Not even your own adult child. NOBODY. Wishing you a journey with a good ending. YOU are #1 these days. You did your time. [/QUOTE]
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