Torn Mother and Son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lauramay, Dec 18, 2012.

  1. lauramay

    lauramay New Member

    Hi guys, I'm brand new to this site, never joined a forum before, though I have considered it over the years to discuss something I have never spoken about before.

    It's about my 13 year old son, his well being and my relationship with him.

    When I was 14yrs I met his father and he quickly became my world, I had no family, and growing up myself with a family, at 16 I thought that's what I wanted. We had Caitlyn when I was 1, just 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, life wasn't perfect, but I was completely inlove with my princess and wanted to give her the world, I decided I didn't want any more children and just wanted to make her world the best I could.

    When Caitlyn was 3 months old I fell pregnant, I was not happy at all I was pregnant, I wanted to abort, my partner didn't, so I went through with the pregnancy.

    Throughout the pregnancy I just ignored it, I never went to a doctor, I never spoke about how I really felt, I never registered with the hospital. I woke up in labour, and it was more painful than the Caitlyn. After he was born I felt no desire to look at him or hold him, after 2 hours and a comment from the nurse I picked him up and huged and kissed him, as I thought I should, not because I desired to.

    I have always felt different towards James, It's odd, I still feel protective over him, I just never understood him, I still don't.

    Life was really hard after James was born, every day was a struggle, I wouldn't wish those pre school years on anyone, it sounds horrible, and I feel so guilty, but the truth is if I could have gave him up without the stigma, I would have, in highn sight maybe that would have been better for him.

    When Caitlyn and James were 1 and 9 months, I separated from their father, the following year I went back to school, the kids were in day care full time and I felt a bit better, but then guilty for having them in care.

    I later married and had another two children, with both pregnancies I was so scared I'd feel the same as I do with James, but I didn't. I was just as happy as I was with Caitlyn.

    Now James is 13, and lives with his father, he comes to my house every second weekend and all we do is argue, I hate how he makes me feel, and how we just never get along, for the past 5 years he has told me he hates me, he has lived with his father for the past 3 years, and in the last 6 months he hasn't wanted to come over.

    As relieved as I am he does not want to come over, I know this situation is not good for him or me, or my other 3 children.

    Why do I feel so different about him? How do I change it? Can I change it? And what is best for him now?

    I just want him to be happy, and feel that I have made the right decision for him.

    I wish I could just love him like I do my other children.....
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun. I dont know if I have the right words to say to you but I will try.

    You got together with your first boyfriend or partner (whichever you want to call it) and had those two babies so young. I dont find it odd that you had trouble bonding with your second baby after having him so closely after having the first one. It was simply too soon.

    Here is my sad story. I ended up pregnant with my oldest by a guy I barely knew almost 3 months after I was raped at the age of 18. Both sets of our parents put pressure on us to marry and I didnt have the fight left in me to do anything else. I should have either aborted him or not married the guy. Probably both. I have never had the same relationship with my oldest son that I do with my youngest two boys. Oh we do get along but he lived with my mom for about half his life and he has never in his life called me Mom. He has always called me Janet. I do love him dearly. I know he loves me. It just isnt the same as with my other two.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Is it possible that you were suffering from postpartum depression when you became pregnant with your son?

    I don't know how you change it, but as far as what is best for your son, a child needs to know he is loved by his mother. Have you discussed this with a therapist?
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Often in this board we tell people that the problem is not in them, it is in their children. With you that isn't a case, at least not entirely (you son may well have his own challenges too.) Good news is, that while it is impossible to change others, one can change themselves. This is something you can work on and hopefully that will also change the relationship between the two of you. At least it will likely help you.

    You were very young when you had your two oldest children and it does sound like you may have been depressed when you were expecting your son and when he was a baby. That does cause difficulties in bonding. And when things have such a bad start, they easily start to go to the wrong way and I think that is what happened with you two. I can just imagine how much you have suffered because of these feelings and how much guilt you have been carrying around because your difficulty to bond with your son. That alone has probably made it so much worse and obstructed you from developing more positive relationship with him. I think you need therapy to work those feelings through. After that you may be better able to bond with your son if he is willing.

    Is his dad a good parent? If so, it may be a good thing, that he is living with him. It will be easier to begin bonding anew when you have less daily hassles to deal with him. Your son is now hitting his teens and they say, that during the teen years person revisits many of the earlier phases and sensitive periods for their development and if things didn't go so rosy first time around, puberty gives a new chance to have some of those vital experiences.

    But I would strongly recommend that first you would find some counselling for yourself and start to work with your son when you are in stronger footing on your own emotions about him.
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2012
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This seems like a wonderful first step. I would seek therapy and continue on this very candid and brave journey to improve things. I.imagine you had some kind of post partum thing going on and you were so so young. Your brain was not meant to deal with all of that at that age.
    Welcome, stay strong and keep talking!