total change of plans

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow i've done a 360 in the last hour!

    spoke to dr. again while i was buying food with-difficult child earlier. she said to me you know the food phobia's over, right? i said yes. she said ok our goal will be more sustained eating? maybe we should have a meeting on thursday to talk about what our goals are since the phobia's over.

    i kept hearing food phobia's over. for third time in 3 days. it's all her other disorders and behavioral.

    so husband was texting me trying to cancel flight and change it again. he texts me how it's 400 to change the flight. i said what you gotta be kidding me.

    text ex h to see if he's ready to put anything towards all we spent. he says i'll send you two hundred. what?? it costs money down to get her in, ronald mcdonald rental car, flights out here flights back. it adds up. we are officially broke.

    husband cant' keep up anymore. our rent's going out late, etc.

    he said your so miserable there jen. i said yup. he said it's time to come home. she'll eat here same she will at home.

    i called my pyschiatrist her's earlier got them to put a call in to ref us for services the in home crisis team i worked in. will be 5 ppl in my house each week. i didn't qualify last time. now i will due to two hospitalizations.

    it's case manager to work with difficult child and me, a respite person to give me a break, a person to work with difficult child soley and a parent piece to help me change my behaviors with her. they'll also hook me up with therapists, new pyschiatrist etc.

    so today he put the call in for me.

    so he was on hold with airline while we were texting. the pressure was intense. he was like what do i do do i pay the cancellation fee than we gotta wait to get you back till i have money, or do you want me to leave the flight alone?

    so there i sat in the ronald mcdonald house cramming brownie after brownie in my mouth because i was so nervous.

    long story short i'm going home. we're flying out wed. a.m. at 6 a.m. layover in utah for a few hours. will arrive in jfk by 6 p.m. long day.

    hope you guys are feeling me on this and back me. i'm a bit nervous because i was so adament about staying than suddenly i heard the amt of money. than how easy child is officially out of control. the food phobia's over 2nd time in one day. and that was it BOOM i just decided enough is enough i'm out.
  2. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Never a dull moment, huh?
    It makes sense. You think she can eat. You have supports in place. You have or will have a plan of what you will do if she doesn't eat. You can hopefully get right medications in place. And if you are prepared to change what you need to change and stick to it you will probably have a difficult child that will fight at first but ultimately do better with clear limits.

    Hope the weather cooperates and you have a good flight back on Wed!
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I hope the new home team line-up is helpful. *HUGS*
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i bet you guys think i'm nuts. it was just how many times in one day do i have to hear it's over it's her other issues? than husband and easy child's out of control behavior topped with more money we dont have. that was that. i pray to god im doing the right thing.
  5. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Well, Jena, I think the consensus was that the program in Oregon isn't the right program over the long term--you need more of a psychiatric/behavioral emphasis. So you might as well get that in NY and deal with the other parts of your life. Also what it seems is that you are clear that difficult child can't crowd out the rest of your life and going home is making a strong statement to that effect. Just be prepared for major acting out when you get back to husband. You may well have to hospitalize her with a tube. As long as she is being taken care of in hospital work on the rest of your life (and her too, of course). You do what you have to do.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no she won't be back in a hospital. she wont. this was our 3rd run. we'll make it this time. things have got to start going in the right direction. i've put far too much work into this one problem for it not to. supports, yea doctor's continued home tutoring for now, yes. yet i even want to integrate her back into school slowly. i spent alot of time with therapists while i was here learning diff ways to cope with-her, things to do at home for her to make her less to handle. so i'm ready to get started implementing them.

    i'm so glad i'll have my coping stuff back. 4 weeks was a short run i know ppl have experienced worse i guess it was just that it was the 2nd time. i need to make my life less dramatic. i'm going to structure this child's every day and minute.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hope you guys are with me on this. I'm feeling ok with-it now. had to sit with it for a few hours. difficult child is very excited. found out and ran upstairs to go grab food. whatever she's such a little bipolar roller coaster :) around and around she goes.......

    so, i used my last bit of cash and have a person coming to clean the house tmrw. because let's just say husband and easy child probably weren't doing a great job of it. food was just delivered tonight. they also didnt' food shop i did it from here online for them.

    i think the house will be fully stocked with foods for difficult child, clean so i dont' freak out, and told husband to get me margarita mix ive waited a long time for one. and he got difficult child a cake she likes and a banner and balloons that say welcome home.

    soooo back to insanity we go. let''s hope i dont have alot of bad threads from long island. hoping it'll be mostly good. :) we gotta leave here at 3 a.m. tmrw. to return rental and get on 6 a.m. flight
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jen, you are there and in the trenches. Your gut is telling you that it is time to go home so it is the right thing to do. Period. You already know they are not going to provide a psychiatric component in much of any way, so why would you agree to stay there longer? If the problem is her other issues, and they won't work with those, then why would you stay? Sure, the goal should have been sustained eating from the beginning. If they had just LISTENED to you as you described the other time she started to eat again then they would have done that to begin with. but they were so so sure they knew better and if she just ate 3 meals she owuld be fixed. Yeah. Sure. NOT. in my opinion that doesn't seem logical with any case of food refusal that has gotten so long term as to do the damage to her body that difficult child has. But that is MY experience and colored by having LOTS of "experts" get Wiz to do something in their office or during a 2-3 day psychiatric hospital stay and be so certain that he would go home and be "healed" and as soon as he got home he was back to whatever he had been doing before we took him to them. I guess I qualify as "Ye of little faith" when it ocmes to these easy fix promises.

    I hope things work with what the tdocs taught you, and that the in-home services help. I guess I could see staying if you still couldn't get the docs and tdocs on board, but you have them now, esp with this in home team. Your other child needs you, your husband needs you, and YOU NEED TO BE AT HOME WITH YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM.

    the docs who work with kids forget that the entire world isn't centered around the kid they are treating. It happens in every single doctor office with just a few exceptions here and there. They may give lip service to you needing to deal with your needs, other kids, the house, work, whatever, but they then give advice and directions that are impossible if you give ANY attention to those other things. I cannot tell you how many times we were told that if we would just do this or that then Wiz wouldn't have problems, but this or that required us to either abuse the other kids, completely ignore/neglect them, or required every moment of every day and needing to work to support the family, etc... would just not be possible if we did what they said. Not for EITHER of us.

    There is a theory in business and some other fields of study called system optimization. It says that in order for a system to function at its' best, every part needs to have certain things. If you provide all the resources to any one part, or group of parts, then the rest of the system cannot function at all. Families are systems, even if few docs realize this and what it means. For the household plumbing system to work there has to be water provided to every part. If the water only goes to one faucet or toilet, then the rest of the system doesn't get any. If the incoming water only went to the hot water heater, there would be no way to flush the toilets or even shower because you would be burned. If the water was cool enough to safely shower in, there wouldn't be enough water for any but the shortest of showers for just one person.

    If all your energy and time is spent on difficult child, it is no wonder that you are severely stressed and so is the rest of the family. When you left, it was what HAD to be done, just like when a machine breaks down it has to get repaired. But there comes a time when you have to remind yourself and the entire system that every part is important, even the part with the crisis who feels a need to control you.

    I hope this makes sense and helps you to feel better about going home and insisting on the changes you need to make. Be SURE to let the in home people do their thing with difficult child. Of course take the time to train them and show them what you want and need, but then go and let them do it. If you worry about safety, look for a cheap nanny cam of some sort, even if you just set up the webcam on a computer in a main area. I am SO THRILLED that you have a respite person in place - in my humble opinion this will do WONDERS for you and husband. You could even go and meet husband somewhere while he took a break of an hour or so from his restaurant while the respite person is there. Or go and do something iwth easy child, just the 2 of you. AND go and do things just for YOU.

    Many hugs, lots of support, and so proud of the way you have advocated and worked to help difficult child. You truly ARE a Warrior Mom!!!
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks susie still can't sleep here it's late and i'm up. thanks for all the research and links. i haven't got the team in place yet. yet the calls been made and the group that handles it should be contacting me shortly. meanwhile ill work with existing pysch doctor to raise zyprexa with his "consent" to taper down any residue of anxiety into transitioning back in home. also got church lined up, horse back riding lined up for her a possible play date with this kid from school heres' hoping.

    so im going to start on a positive when i get home not a negative. keeping in home tutors at bay till she aclimates to the environment a bit than gotta start working on redirecting that little mind again. listen i've done my best. i wanted her to stay for the coping skills she'd gain. she did gain some while there just for 5 days. in a perfect world i would of loved for her to stay in it for a mos. yet ihave a 17 year old whose literally running rampad right now and needs some guidance and rules back in place so she doesnt' mess her own life up. natural consequences to an extent i just want her to graduate.

    i have alot of ideas in regards to difficult child now that i didnt have before. tools of my own. and i want to learn more
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Often the best therapy for our kids, esp at your difficult child's age, are tools for us parents to use. Know what I mean?? I am glad you are going home on a positive note, but sorry about all the problems with easy child. (Does easy child really think that her behavior is a sign she is ready to be an adult? Gotta wonder about that!)

    no worries on the research. If it made you smile it was worth it. The inhome team will help and if they don't immediately agree then take difficult child to see them and let them handle her for an hour. Kidding!! but tempting. I just hope you don't get grounded by the storms. Our school was closed for tomorrow by 3pm today, and the university here (major state U) was closed for tomorrow by 10 am today!!
  11. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Jena I think that is a good place to start! Susie has responded eloquently to you. I think thinking about how to get less drama in things would be great. You've certainly got your work cut out for you with easy child, difficult child and husband. Not to mention dogs. Can you visualize a house with less drama? What would it look like? Keep that in mind, I think you have many tools in place to help you get there.

    Hope the margaritas are good, the house still clean, groceries still there and that you get a few minutes of peace to enjoy it all...
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    really? oh no. husband said oh youll be fine. it's only 6 inches in new york. i looked up hotel in utah to be on the safe side and tmrw ill find a western union so mr. jump on the plane it'll be fine can send me cash to pay for it! difficult child does feel like a little traveler now though, it's kinda cute. i know sick since it's come from a hospitalization. yet she was listing where she'd been in her life.... if we get stuck in utah so bet it. i hear it's beautiful. it's that much closer to home. and we'll do dinner in utah and sleep there. as long as i'm not suck on a plane on the runway for 5 hours again i'll be fine
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Pepper wait i got it!! :) Ill just go to someone elses' home!! LOL.

    got trainer on list of ppl to call. that should be fun working with him with both my dogs.
    difficult child's ppl should be lined up
    easy child well she'll need coaxing yet she's in weekly therapy as well
    husband hmm that's a hard one. im already getting apologies for his not coping so well thru this second hospitalization. promises of delivering me breakfast in bed, we'll c how that plays out. we're headed into family therapy and couples counseling also.

    and we're fighting on getting back our tuesday night date night that ended a year ago. the sale of the store is almost i wanna say complete!
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yet first thing i'll be doing upon return besides just being home. is finding a yoga class for me weekly and going. i'm making me a priority from now on. in small ways. i've neglected myself for far too long. i'm not going to play that game anymore. if this has taught me something it's that i need to live a little too difficult child or no difficult child. i have no life since shes born 12 years ago, or hardly one. i'm going to get me a life now. it's time. i deserve that.
  15. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Yeah, well don't come to my house. Doesn't score too well on margaritas, clean or groceries. Dogs are ok, husband is fine, and difficult child is away in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so that's good. lol

    I think if the stay in oregon reinforced your desire to invest in you it has well been worth it. Investing in yourself provides just enough distance from their drama so that you don't become part of it. After all who wants to structure their life around difficult child drama if what you are doing is passionately interesting to you. Unless of course you are a drama junkie.

    I was thinking about what a poor role model I am sometimes when I get caught up in all the school fight stuff about my son. It tears me apart. what is it i am showing him about how to handle problems, deal with a powerful system etc? Nothing much worth copying that's for sure. Same with you-- if you can show them a happy Jena that doesn't need drama you are really giving difficult child some very valuable coping skills.

    So you go, girl, cowboy up and get 'er done as we say in Oregon...
  16. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Ditto. But I have vodka. :D

    This storm system started hitting us about 6 last night, and we're under warning until 7pm tomorrow night. One county north of us is currently under blizzard warning, not sure when the leading edge starts hitting NY area, but it's pretty nasty.

    I am SO glad you have such a diverse team lined up for home, I hope they can help you and also talk to each other about ways to help without going against each other.
  17. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Jena, it sounds like you are getting everything in place at home and are doing everything possible for her. It sounds like coming home is the best idea at this point. And I am SO glad to hear you say that you are going to start paying more attention to you. That is so important anytime kids come into the picture, but I think it's especially important when you are the mother of a difficult child. You need to be able to decompress and have a chance to breath. Be safe traveling. Let us know when you are home.

  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I am behind you 100%. Honestly? We all do what we think is best, unless we're ignoring the situation, and the people on this board aren't ignoring anything!!!

    You are a really good Mom - and she has been eating - so now? Now you have to work on the other stuff. And you might as well be in the comfort of your own home.

    Hugs, sweetie!
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sure making your final decisions is bringing a bit of peace to the chaos. How wonderful that a team could be assembled
    (or reassembled) so quickly so you are moving home with supports. As you know I am on your team and absolutely believe you need to make self care a priority. The months and years can fly by as you deal with the difficult child roller coaster ride day to day. Bam! You can wake up and wonder where to heck did those years go. Your personal resolve will enhance life for the entire family. More hugs. DDD
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm soo happy the pysch doctor called the ref. in! yay for him! i just called ny to check. so it might bea bit of a wait till it all gets put together yet with two hospitalizations under our belt services will be in. i slept for the first time since here ever. no xanax. i guess i knew i was going home so i relaxed.

    yes i'm very excited about going home now. i'm rested and all my clothes are clean too. :) we may get stuck in utah tmrw night if they delay flight. yet difficult child and i said no big deal. we'll do dinner there, get a hotel, and head out the next day if that happens.

    i have functioned in drama my entire life, it's what i'm used to. my mind and body are used to it. from my chaotic childhood thru. it's diff now thought I want the calm. i haven't made any "i want drama" choices in a very long time. yea my dog's crazy yet i love him and ill work on him. i got him because i love to save things,,make them better.