total refusal

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 17, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi it's me again, i know i'm bad i'm just posting when things here aren't good. i cna't help it i don't have time lately at all and difficult child is still melting down.

    difficult child is refusing to go to play practice, she refused to go to school all week long. It's getting to the point where I have to pick and chose my battles here cause our life's getting pretty intense the past two weeks and ugly.

    She overall doesn't like leaving the house, if its something fun she wants to do it takes coaxing to get her ready adn get her out. Yet she'll go. She's always been this way ever since she could walk. I tend to wonder at times if it's a larger issue or if this is all her anxiety and disorders speaking. Or does she have a larger disorder that being "not" wanting to leave home?? I just don't know. Like I said she enjoys going out if we go somewhere "good", yet like I said it takes hours of get ready difficult child, get ready it takes continous prompting.

    So, today it's another fight to go to dance practice, play is in two weeks. she doesn't wanna go, she doesn't wanna be in the play she doens't wanna go on stage in two weeks, she's melting down yelling at me, storming around slamming doors. And, for what?? really? I told her school isn't an option that is a legal obligation I have to get you there, yet thsi is supposed to be "fun" something "good" for you and it isnt' that. WE have spent mos fighting, battling, dragging her off to play practice, talking about it, coaxing her, etc. Obviously as well all know I made a mistake I raised the bar too high this time, she belonged in alow key hip hop class to start I messed up, it happens. yet now it is what it is.

    The kids' a wreck and I just see no point in it anymore. Plus I"m beginning to wonder about thsi larger "leaving the house" issue. Yet is it that since when it's "fun" things I can get her out eventually. Like I said takes awhole lotta prompting. She feels safest here.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know what's the best for her, but after the week you've had, I wouldn't blame you if you said forget it and let her drop this dance class.
  3. ML

    ML Guest


    I do relate to what you are going through. I'm going to make my standard statement "don't be so hard on yourself". The bar is always too high when these kids are experiencing this level of anxiety. It's not about the class in my opinion. I think it's the transitions aspect and the difficulity leaving their comfort zones. I don't remember if she's done CBT.

    I just had a visit with psychiatrist yesterday and we talked about rewiring the pathways of manster's brain that are involved with the anxiety responses. She explained that the medications he is on ideally will allow some flexibility in those hair trigger responses to reroute the circuits. That's why medications plus therapy is the ideal way of dealing with anxiety.

    I'm sorry she is having a hard time right now. I know you feel badly because of going back to work, I know it's hard. Manster begs me all the time to homeschool him. It's probably a good thing in the long run that I can't afford not to work because he would have an even more narrow comfort zone.

    Just to give you an example of manster's anxiety so you know I have walked a mile in your shoes, I couldn't even go to another level of the house without him (we have a tri-level). His comfort zone was about 20 feet from me!

    I know it isn't easy. You are a great mom, Jen. We're all here to support you. xoxo ML
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Has anyone looked at her to see if agoraphobia is part of her make-up? There ARE young people who have this. At least I knew a couple in high school, kids who would NEVER leave the house if not forced. And often they snuck away from school to go home because it was just too much.

    Let the play practice and dance classes go. It isn't worth YOUR energy. Save that for the battle to get her to school so you can go to work.

    I am sorry things are so rough.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno i'm going there now to tell her she's dropping out. it's not because i'm aggrivated it's because she's flipping out over it, and it's just not worth it.

    ml hi and thanks. that's an interesting approach, and yes anxiety does require therapy bigtime. my therapist went awol on us two weeks ago?? so i'm looking for someone new again.

    i just tend to wonder if it's a larger i cant' leave home issue at play here. she is safeest at home. i dont' feel bad about going back to work actually. i needed this and we need the money and she needs to start learning how to cope with who she is.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hey is your daughter named K?
    Seriously. I have had to learn and to not let my expectations get in the way. This is a huge one for husband. He has all of these expectations for K.
    She was going to Piano, then horses, (not her therapy horses which we couldn't get into) We had to stop both due to anxiety and too much in her head.
    It would end up being complete he11 trying to get her to go. husband would get so frustrated. Trying to figure out if we should push her and make her go?
    We did a few times.
    Then it was apparent that it is too much some times.

    I know for us with K, by the time she is done with School, trying to do things after school, she just can't most days.
    If she does, by dinner time we are in for a breakdown, full hypo night. she goes into a headspin.
    Then the next morning she is delusional. Sometimes seeing things.
    Today, I was going to take her and N for a walk. So I was sitting her drinking coffee, waiting for it to warm up, it is 10am. So I have been prepping her. Told her a couple of times so she would be prepared. I even made it fun, going where she could go look for birds and rocks and crystals.
    We could bring a snack.
    But because yesterday was the 100th day of school it was a big overload day.
    She woke pretty hypo this am. She hasn't stopped moving since she got up, which is why I thought a stinking walk would be good!

    So as I was reading your post. LOL really LOL
    She walks up to me and says, "Mommy I can't go on a walk, I just don't want to today, I hope you understand?"
    How sweet! But I can hear that anxious fluttery breathing in her when they are anxious. I can see it in her dilated eyes.
    I know I can't push her or she will lose it.
    So we are stuck here...
    So, I have to drop classes, I have to give up doing things at times. Because she just can't.
    I push her when I can. Because I know if I don't it will cause her to become more anxious. Not want to leave the house even more.
    If it means doing *more fun* things just to get her out at times so be it.
    I guess we just have to do what works some times.
    I don't know if this will work for your difficult child, but it helps K. For K right now, I just can't push her to take a bunch of long term classes. Or I have to just face that we might have to drop them and tell the teacher that before we sign up for them.
    Sorry things are hard for you and her.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Where on earth did you find that avatar toto?

    (I hope Jen doesn't mind me throwing that in her thread)
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh, that's my Dog with the Diamond tooth!

    JK, isn't he so cute? I found him on Photobucket!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jennifer, you've found some great company and experienced moms here. My son has his moments but he's not that bad. Poor difficult child. Poor you. I wish you luck finding a new therapist. I'm so sorry the other one went AWOL. :( You need some good ideas and good sessions with-a therapist.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Jennifer--

    I would let the play and dance classes go, too. The exercise portion of these activities is probably wonderful and fun--but the idea of having to be up on stage in front of an audience is probably VERY stressful for your daughter. And the more everyone prepares (C'mon--our big night is in two weeks!)--the more the anxiety builds.

    Is there an opportunity for dance and/or play-acting without a performance? Perhaps that is something to try instead?
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    When difficult child was sliding downhill with his anxiety, he couldn't even take a quick trip to get the Lego set he had been wanting. Anxiety can cause agrophobic characteristics in people.

    Have you ever talked to her about how she feels when she leaves the house? When does the anxiety heighten? When does it lessen? I know how it is to not want to leave the house and then feel stronger once I am out and about. I knew for me that once I got in the vehicle and started driving, I would be able to face the day. Is there something that she is more fearful of? Does she do fine outside but fears traveling? Is she afraid of finding her way home? Maybe you can make a map for her showing school, grocery store, you work, boyfriend's work, ect. I was surprised when my difficult child mentioned the other day that he admired how I could find my way around town. He is 12 years old and still don't know the different ways to get from one place to another.

    I don't know! Just brainstorming!

    I know it will be hard to drop the play this close to show time. However, that is just that much longer away from you in a transition time of you not always being home. Maybe it truly is too much - she looks forward to being with you and then the play practice takes her away.

    Hang in there. Stay strong! difficult child will draw her strength from you and will pick up any doubt you may have.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Hi and thanks for all the ideas........ and thoughts.

    I went to dance school and spoke to them and told them sorry but it's a no go. They seemed shocked. I said you knew she was getting anxiety ridden. I said did you guys ever happen to look at her health sheet htat you made me fill out?? He said no. I said well if you had you would of seen the endless diagnosis's she has and how this was alot for her. AT least the shock value would of been less today.

    I said it is what it is. She's fine, difficult child is fine. I came home and she's all good and relieved. Yet now her and easy child are exploding. I'm thinking wow it's easier to be at work? isn't that bad? LOL

    easy child is blowing up about how hard it is being her sister, etc. i'm like hmm where's my glass of wine and bubble bath?? At least now with-the insurance I'll have in time I can get easy child and difficult child into therapy together with me as a family to work on our dynamic and the damage that's been caused due to difficult child's illness. easy child is fed up, explosive sick and tired of difficult child tatteling on her, causing problems, in her business sharing her room, etc. alot of typical stuff yet alot of not due to difficult child's constant struggles and endless neediness.

    Toto - yes you always have the best avatars what's up with that?? LOL and yes our kids are quite similar. I just think there's a fine line between pushing for the betterment of our kids and pushing till the anxiety cripples them. She'll be ok without the classes. It may relive some anxiety for her i'm hoping.

    Klmno - i never mind my threads going into different directions lol, especially into the direction of animals with "grills" lol. way too funny.

    Andy yes i've done all of that. difficult child struggles with more than just anxiety so youve got a few different things and behaviors overlapping one another at a time, it can be quite fun and challening lol. SEriously though the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) doesn't help the depressive nor the manic nor the anxiety we always get stuck in some kidn of mode due to it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is bAD!!! LOL

    I"m thinking movies with alot of popcorn and a whole lotta candy might ease the pain today. :)
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O yes, that sounds good!

    My difficult child had to cancel her plans today due to the cold weather--so you know that she is in a foul mood. Popcorn and movies will be just the thing. (Although I'm thinking that I will keep the candy to myself!)

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    my favorite is the chocolates with the little white things oh sno caps!! tha'Tourette's Syndrome it, love them!! Enjoy your movie, you guys going out or at home???

    later i'm putting myself in a bubble bath regardless of who doesn't like it lol. sometimes 15 minutes works wonders
  15. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jennifer,
    glad you are letting the play go. I remember when my easy child/difficult child 2 was taking horse back riding lessons. She had begged us to let her take lessons and at first she went willingly. Then came a time where my husband (he was the one taking her to the lessons) had to practically drag her there and we thought, why are we paying all this money for something she wanted to do so badly and we have to force her to go? So she quit. I think it was just too stressful even though it was something she did enjoy once she got there. She says she would like to take it up again someday.

    Also, a year ago she tried to be in an actor's workshop--again, something she was very interested in. She found after going for a few weeks that she was feeling too anxious so we let her quit.

    She is nearly 18 now and she does make much more of an effort to get out and do things even if she doesn't really feel like it. I can kind of gage the state of her mental health by how withdrawn she is acting.

    Anyway, just wanted to chime in with support for your decision--it was way too stressful for both you and difficult child.

  16. compassion

    compassion Member

    It can be a hard call. I know it can take tons of energy to encourage an dsuport tham. i know my difficult child does not like preformance much. We used to belong to a church and she was involved i the music stuff and they preformed tons. It got to a pint where she no longer wanted to do it. Jennifer, she likes to dance to this day in her room with the doors closed so SHE can be in control. There is tons of external pressure in any sort of competitve activity. It mounts the older they get. I do keep supporting her to play competitve vollyball and do voice. I emphasize the activity and not the preformance aspect. She did not do the spring recital in voice . Her teacher is great plus she had volleyball try-outs.
    My pint: dance, etc. get me down at home alone. difficult child is a huge introvert and needs tons of down time but often wil not take it. She did drama for a semster. she is not very verbal and again performing is difficult for her.

    I agree about the transtions. That is a huge issue here. the more routine and structured the better for my difficult child.

    difficult child has been doing volleyball since age 10 and competive for two years. She made another club but kept her in thhis one becasue of how difficult transitions are for her. These are the same girls she will playing with at the high school in the fall.
  17. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Must be sibling rivalry day today. I took both difficult child and non-easy child diva to a birthday party a friend was having for her 1 year old. We got there about 1:00 (I told her I would be there at 12:30 so my anxiety was up for being late - we were unable to get hold of her to let her know we were still coming).

    difficult child is in an ornery mood today. They both did very well at the party but non-easy child diva asked at 3:00 if I would take her home because she didn't know I was planning on staying through clean up (party over at 4:00). On the way home, difficult child started complaining because he did not want to go back with me to help with clean up. (He doesn't mind the cleaning up part - just boring until the jobs are ready to do) I told him he could not be home alone without a way of calling me (husband had the cell phone). Non-easy child diva said she would stay home with him if I stopped by the grocery store to get ingredients for a jello recipe. On the way through the check out, difficult child was being difficult and non-easy child diva said, "Fine, you can take him with you." Oh no you don't, you are NOT getting out of this. So I dropped them off at home and headed back to the party.

    I was so sure they would do each other in and put me out of my misery. But no, I arrived home to absolutely no bloodshed and no complaining.

    Work is a wonderful stress reliever. So cool to get paid for lowering your stress.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Jane it sounds like you have gone thru what I have, it's not easy. Im going to keep trying, my next approach which should of been my first approach is music lessons, maybe the guitar. She's always wanted to learn, it will hopefully build her self esteem and confidence than maybe in time we can go ahead and go for a more "group" thing again.

    Compassion that's cool, I guess the dancing in the room is good, still getting to do what they love yet in their own environment. I think as far as the structure is concerned I have always made a whole lotta provisions for difficult child, changed my schedule when necessary. For the past few mos i've been purposely doing things either different or purposely having no structure so that she can realize that Hey guess what your still ok even though we dont' have this, this and that in that order. It seems to be working for the most part, a little stress while doing it yet minimal anxiety.

    Andy I'm glad to hear that you dropped both of them off together and they got on ok. That happens alot soemtimes, when their with us the parents they lose it yet alone they fare well. interesting.

    She hasn't said a word since deciding to drop the play and me handling it.