Total vent about difficult children school

[brendan]

difficult child has just come off a 3 day suspension for talking to his friends about "ways to kil Eric". He had 5 followers who helped him but all pointed to him as the ringleader So none of these others got suspended, just Brendan. So I talked to him a lot for the 3 days , made him read books about tolerance, clean the house ( kind of). On a side note, after he read the book on tolerance he says to me "but mom, this book says nobody in my class has tolerance, because they all tease me for having a girlfriend."
Anyway he comes back to school and none of the followers are allowed to talk to him. So isolating my son from his friends is the best thing????? I'm so ******. Should I do anything??? I'm really starting to hate his school


Thanks for thevent!

 

[BusynMember]

I hate our school too...lol. Honest, I really question the psychology that some administrators use. I guess they need a scapegoat and since the other kids say your boy was the ringleader, he's getting the punishment. I know I'd be really angry, but, at the same time, I had kids with learning issues, not behavior problems.
I think ALL of the kids who were in this "how to kill Eric" group should be in mandated private counseling and have to sit down and talk about how serious this was with school administrators too. And I think they should have to apologize to Eric. If I were Eric's mom, I probably would have called the cops. To me the issue is more that the school is pointing a finger at YOUR son and not dealing with the bigger, scarier issue which is that five boys had a plan to kill somebody that they didn't like.. That makes me really wonder about the school.
I have a question about your son. Does he have friends or do you think these "friends" set him up to be the one to get caught and t he fall guy? What do you think of his social skills? His comment about the passage in the book that you gave him just screamed "Aspergers" at me. It was a very literal statement and Aspies are VERY literal. Is your boy getting any help at all? I forget (sorry). Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist?

 

[susiestar]

Your son NEEDS a complete evaluation to get to the bottom of WHY he was in a group that wanted to kill someone. That is NOT normal, as I am sure you know. I would be FURIOUS that my son was the only child punished. Furious enough to ask the Superintendent why only one of the children who were in this group was punished, and why he is now being ostracized??? Ostracizing a child is NOT going to make him feel all warm and fuzzy about his classmates and teachers. DUH.

I would try to speak to Eric's mom to let her know I was sorry, was addressing this with my son as a very serious issue, and that I am very concerned about her son's safety because ONLY ONEchild in the entire group was given any punishment and now the other students are targetting your son, so clearly the other children involved did NOT learn anything about how wrong and terrible their actions/intentions were. If my son was Eric and I learned that only ONE of the big group of kids who ALL joined together to kill my son was punished I would be outraged, furious and very scared for my child's safety.

If you address it from that angle, instead of from the "why was my child the scapegoat" angle, you are far more likely to get something done to address this.

What other problems is your son having at school? Why was he involved in a group that was formed with the purpose of killing someone? What, exactly, did Eric do to warrant this? Learning this why will give you the key to helping your son learn that this is incredibly inappropriate.

His statement about tolerance could well be a sign of Aspergers. It also could be true. How much teasing does he get at school? Why is it allowed to happen? It sounds like it is bullying, at least to your son. The true measure of if something is bullying or not is how the target feels. Did your son join this group because Eric bullies him? How can that be addressed?

You school is being outrageous and idiotic. I would be very unhappy also. Does your son have an IEP? If not, he needs to be fully evaluated and then given an IEP. Go to the Sp Ed archives for a letter that you can send to start the ball rolling for an IEP. It puts legal protections into place for your son. To do this it MUST be sent via certified mail, return receipt requested. Otherwise you have no proof it was ever sent and the school is free to ignore your verbal or otherwise not officially received request. Right now schools do NOT want to add accommodations and supports for students because the budget problems. That is NOT YOUR PROBLEM and if they even say anything about the cost it violates Federal Law. Schools DO try to ignore or postpone requests for IEPS because they have to do testing and it costs. They also have to do more for the kids and that costs and complicates things for them. Or that is their rationale.

I am sorry your school is so messed up.

 

[brendan]

Thanks for the responses guys. I'll try to answer a few of your questions. As far as B being bullied, I dont' know. He says they tease him for hanging out with a girl. He also said in the beginning of the school year they did not want him sitting by them at lunch because he constantly talks and brags about himself. I personally know Eric from helping out at school. He is a little on the slow side, and can be very annoying with his rambling etc.... Otherwise, an easy target. The principal said she talked to Eric and that he has no idea about the "how to kill" and that these kids are his friends. I have called the principal twice to find out if she told Eric about every thing and if Brendan should write an apology. She has yet to call back. Obviously if Eric does not know about it I don't want to hurt his feelings as this was all done behind his back. It started as the "Eric" disease and escalated to the kill thing which I really don't think was a serious threat. I talked to one of the "followers" fathers (who is a friend of husband and I). He acted like it was our fault for letting B play video games, and was not very sympathetic. He said his son was not suspended and had to sit in the principal's office for one afternoon.
My husband has had it. When he found out the followers are not allowed to talk to B, he says he will go up to the school and talk to them. I'm letting him... and they are in for it.
I didn't even think to ask B if he started the whole thing. I assumed he did just because... well ... he is a "difficult child". Is that terrible? I'm going to talk to him.

I asked him if his feelings are hurt about his friends. Answer -"nope" He seems never bothered about if he has friends or not. No emotions when I ask him. He says sometimes he is alone at recess just because he doesn't want to do what other kids are doing. He has always been matter of fact. Don't know if this is a sign of Aspergers or not?
We called a neuropsychologist and waiting for a call back...
He has a psychiatrist but has never been evaluated thoroughly. He was labeled ADHD and that was it. The psychiatric said we will talk about Aspergers next time.

Thanks!!!!!!

 

[brendan]

Oops, as for the IEP deal, I want to wait until we get an official diagnosis of Aspergers. After that, I will go after the school for the IEP. Thanks so much for the advice on the certified letter!