Total Witch today

[flutterby]

Yes, that's Witch with a capital B. UGH!!!

I swear, NOTHING makes me happy anymore. EVERYTHING just seems to annoy the snot out of me. I'm so flippin' irritable I can't stand myself.

Today, I had my first appointment for the neuropsychologist re-evaluation. I am sleep deprived, had to drive out of my comfort zone - in snow, which never used to phase me so it annoys me even more - and I don't feel good (what's new?), so I was annoyed and tense when I got there.

This guy is soooo nice. But....looking for words to be diplomatic....he's...he talks like Charlene on Designing Women. He is from the south. Words very long and drawn out, a lot of extra words thrown in, and I just want to shake him and shout, "Get to the point, man!" To make it worse, he would interrupt me when I was talking and when that happens, I *completely* lose my train of thought and often don't get it back. AND he was asking a lot of questions about my physical health, which I know he needs to know some of, but I just. don't. want. to. talk. about. it. I feel like a broken record repeating myself over and over and over and over to doctors, friends, family - everyone.

I told him I really don't want to talk about that anymore and why, but he always seemed to come back to it. Then we would get off point so much in other areas. ARGH!!! I was so damn irritated.

Plus, the insulation in that building is lacking. Also in that building are PT, Occupational Therapist (OT) and speech therapy. There was noise coming from every direction, even though we were in his office with the door closed, the fluorescent lights in his office, his looooooooooong, drawwwwwwwwwn out speech....I wanted to come out of my skin. Too much noise, light, everything.

And he takes sooooooo loooooooooong to explain each test. I was thinking about Janet and how the neuropsychologist she saw didn't want to tell her anything and I was grateful that he wanted to make sure I understood completely what each test was evaluating, and exactly how each section was going to be done....but I'm also an intelligent adult. Not a 5 year old. I don't need it explained like I'm a 5 year old.

I was literally watching the clock the whole time. And he noticed. And I was snippy - to put it mildly. I *barely* held myself back. And I don't even feel bad about it. I should feel bad about it. It's not his fault that I'm toxic right now. But, when I get like this I just. don't. care.

I know...whine, whine, whine.

I keep taking my hands and raising my eyebrows up and as soon as I let go, they go right back down into a scowl.

I just want everyone to go away and LEAVE ME ALONE. Seriously.

Somebody come do an exorcism and get me out of this body!!!

 

[everywoman]

Remind me not to give you my number to call and rant 'cause I would drive you crazy with my southern drawl....If you've ever heard Paula Deen---yep that's me. I guess a lot like the girls on Designing Women too.

Sometimes Heather, things just rub you the wrong way. You have been sick for so long with no relief in sight and having to repeat it over and over must seem such a pain.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Heather}}}

I'm so sorry you're so irritable, it must be unbearable. One thing I wanted to mention, however, is that your description of the noise, lights, etc sounds an awful lot like sensory disintegration to me. Here's some info:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorders.html

I know the last thing you want to think about is another diagnosis, but this could quickly change the quality of your life.

 

[crazymama30]

I think the neuropsychologist should be understanding, given his line of work and I am guessing he has some history on you.

Be easy on yourself. He will deal with it or get over it.

I hope something gives for you soon.

 

[Hound dog]

You know actually seeing you react that way might be a good thing for neuropsychologist to see. Although I know it hoovers to feel that way. And yeah, I know exactly how old repeating medical history can be. ugh

Hugs

 

[Shari]

ANoter vote at least hoping that seeing you like that will be helpful to him.

Hugs from afar...

 

[gcvmom]

It's okay. Some days are just plain miserable and there's nothing we can do about it. You've been shouldering a lot of crud lately -- no one expects you to be perfect.

 

[flutterby]

Thank you for trying to make me feel better, but there really is no excuse for my behavior. Really. This guy is so nice - so genuinely nice - and I feel like pond scum. Maybe I can redeem myself next week.

TM - I'm pretty sure it's Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), but I didn't have it like this until a couple of years ago. I think I understand very well what kids on the spectrum, and my daughter, struggle with. I just haven't learned how to cope with it...without a klonopin, anyway. And I can't take that if I have to drive. Worse, everyone around me gets very annoyed with me because I get so irritable, which doesn't help, and is why I started taking klonopin when it happens. Sometimes, even doing that makes them angry. But, it's either that or I start growing horns. Bleck.

Are there resources out there for adults who are just discovering they have this? I've always had a low level of it, but adjusted to it over the years. This is a whole new ballgame and I really want to be able to cope with it better.

Thank you again, ladies. I think I should just not be allowed to leave the house on days like that.

 

[flutterby]

Oh, and it's not just the southern drawl. I lived in the south and developed one myself for several years. It was actually *very* helpful for me, because I talked so fast before that, that people couldn't understand me. Like my daughter does. It slowed me down into a normal speed.

He really, really, really draws out his words. The only person I've known to compare him to is my high school algebra teacher. She could make, "We're going to take a 10 point quiz", into a 30 second long sentence.

 

[TPaul]

Some days are just like that. I know that I had gotten to the point that I hated going to yet another new doctor. I literally got to the point that I hated even the thought of having to go do a new doctor, and recap everything that had been done to me. Everything that had been tried, everything that did not work, and repeating over and over how I felt and how by body was acting. I totally understand.

Southern doctor, ok, redeem yourself with a batch of Chocolate Chip cookies!!! Take them to him with a note that last week was a really bad day, and you wanted to make sure you did not get started on a bad note. Every good southern gentleman has to love cookies!

To a better day Heather and a good relationship with a doctor that listens and wants to help.
Tpaul

 

[Star*]

Pushes kleenex toward Flutter with a stick.......a long stick. Maybe you call it a pole when they're that long?

Well you said something about snot coming out . Just wanted you to be protected.

You know...when you have this much ((((((GRRRRRRRRR)))))) built up inside and no one to really take you by the hand to a place and say "Okay Flutter, today we are going to let you just smash the bejezers out of (X insert item) with this hammer and let you get all of this frustration out of your system. Not in front of your Mom, your kids, your peers, your neighbors." I think it DOES start coming out as irritating snot. Not joking. EVERYTHING starts bugging you and then WHAM.

Seriously, when was the last time you had a day out of the house with someone that just let you either tear the hell out of something, to get all the frustrations out of your system? You don't play sports, you don't jog, you don't exercise or box, or do physical labor. So all that negative energy has to go somewhere, and after a while it builds up,and up and up. Why not just go some where private with a baseball bat and whip the tar out of a tree?

You can say it's crazy all you want to. When my girlfriend lost her son years ago she kept it all inside for months and months. The rest of life went on, she has buried the kids' father five years prior to complications of diabetes, remarried an abusive man - left him despite her Mothers disgust, and could never do a thing right - the rest of daily drudgery went on. She has major health problems. She's 5'2" and was 350+ lbs. So yeah - loads of health problems, she just buried her son, she had a crazy daughter who was getting pregnant on purpose then loosing the babies - her parents were nuts, her family was using her - I mean her life was mud. She was going to crack. I took her out in a cotton field, bought feather pillows and a knife and scissors, and a baseball bat and hit her with the pillows then let her tear the pillows up and hit the ground with the ball bat. I just let her kill the pillows and beat up the earth and yell and scream and cry - then I just held her while she sobbed. She sobbed for over and hour. It was a good release of all the pain and endorphines she had held in her body for so long. Not a daily depression cry - it was a GOOD cry. A release.

After? She literally felt physically and mentally better. Like someone had GIVEN her permission to (fill in the blank) but feel okay about being so angry, sad, mad, depressed, upset about her health, her life, her son, her daughter, her problems. And someone told her while they held her - I love you. I'm here for you. I'm just listening to ANYTHING you have to say. JUST LISTENING. Not talking, not telling any stories about how THEY feel or what THEY know.....just HOW DO YOU FEEL?

SO I gotta ask - and don't really need an answer when was the last time YOU had a release like that? When was the last time that you got so spitting angry that you let all that tension and anger go in a positive way so much that it let you release all the inner turmoil stored up?

It works. My friend - Now 5'2 and 150 lbs, Grandmother of 2 beautiful girls, living on her own, went back to college, diabetes under control, dating a decent man, loves her family but their opinions are just that - theirs. Has a decent job. Laughs a lot. Is happy with herself. I've always been proud of her - now she's proud of herself. She also takes Welbutrin and saw a therapist. So who knows. But she will tell you in a wink that she'll never forget beating up and shredding pillows and all the feathers blowing that day. I told her every feather was a problem leaving ----for good.

You have lots of snow -----maybe you could throw snow balls? It's worth a shot - cold, but worth a shot?

Hugs Flutter - I get where you're coming from. I've been there.

 

[KTMom91]

Many soft hugs. Today will be better.

 

[DammitJanet]

Now Heather...was his drawl worse than Mandy's? LOL. Or Cory's? Mandy can make Momma into a 3 syllable word. Good lord if you have to actually listen to the entire sentence of "Cory, Momma wants to talk to you"

You heard her. Slap me if I am lying...lol.

 

[flutterby]

Janet - all I remember is "pneumococcal gingivitis".