Tough decision made

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiapet, Jun 18, 2012.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    On top of what is taking place over in water cooler thread today, via text message to oldest difficult child, I had to basically tell her it was time for her to move out! Not my choice, I wanted to confront her over this all once she got home but she kept pushing and once she said she lost respect for me as she is older now and can see through all the bull, that was last straw.

    The basic story is learned of her drinking, drugging, use of vehicle while we slept (wouldn't normally be a problem but seems she choose to hide it rather then just ask as she normally does) and the fact that lately there is a lot of eruptions of her putting me down for so many things about my life and what has transpired. I've had enough! I will not be spoken to or treated this way by a 20 year old, ever! She tells me how I should be treating the siblings and disciplining them based on how she was treated (wrongly) by ex when younger, that because I am not willing at this point in time to place a call for youngest difficult child to potentially end up in juvenile due to his violent outbursts (will be going into a program when school starts that doesn't require court involvement) because I don't want to be stuck paying for placement (don't have the money), court fees, or restitution that MIGHT be assessed. His worker is on board with this and completely understands. It does no one any good going that route and will only put more stress on the family then there already is. Probably won't accomplish much either as in juvenile he won't get the "treatment" that he needs.

    She can do what she likes out of the house and while her drinking is not often she is doing it and she was told emphatically by her psychiatrist in no uncertain terms she can not do so with Depakote. My point is just because you don't drink and get drunk my rule is NO alcohol and driving of my vehicle, not even 1 drink! She has this guy she has been seeing and she will go over his house sometimes and stay the night and come home around 11a. She will do this because she is drinking, beyond other reasons, so that she is not drinking and driving. But she has apparently she has also taken the vehicle out once I'm asleep to go visit him and comes home "before we wake up" too and has drank on those occasions as well.

    The final straw came when she says that she is older now and has lost respect for me and can see through all the bull! Really??? Ok, miss wise one. I told her since she has no respect for me and she is wise then I think she needs to take her "wiseness" and find a place of her own. I really don't want to have someone who has no respect for me (which now explains why she treats me the way she does) living in my house and I don't need the younger siblings seeing her treat me or talk the way she has been because they are only copying it. That is not very helpful to me getting them any better or their behaviors any better now is it?

    A very tough decision I've made. It is hard on my heart and soul right now and I continue to be in tears. This is my baby, my first born, the one I had so many hopes and dreams for. I'm not crushed because she isn't turning out the way I thought. I'm crushed that she could loose respect for me when I know I've done all I could for her throughout her life to earn her respect and give her the best life I can, above and beyond sometimes when it truly was very, very hard to do.

    I know tough loving and have had to do it quite a few times with her in this lifetime but this....THIS is freakin hard!!!

    I don't know where she is going to go or what she is going to do because she really doesn't have friends to crash with. I've spoken to her in the past about going into housing or such but I don't see it happening. I also have to fear because this is my one who is so very suicidal on a daily basis. She has attempted it, half hearted several times though never had to be hospitalized and she is not at home at the moment so I can't intervene if necessary (not that I could actually sometimes anyway). I know that if someone wants to do it, they are going to no matter what. I have lived my entire life with a mother that has literally attempted it more times then I can recall at the moment and I eventually had to let go and stop worrying every second and feeling responsible. I know I have done all I can for them both, gotten them help and pointed them inthe direction they needed to go.

    So we'll see what happens in the days to come. She is not due to come home until Thursday as it is. Let's see what kind of texts happen in the days going forward or what occurs on Thursday. She did not text back once I said that to her.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Good for you. If she's THAT wise, there is no reason why she can't live on her own. A "smart" person can get a job, buy a car, pay the rent and utilities, etc. It's easy for someone that has everything provided for them to talk the talk. Now, it's time to walk the walk.

    BRAVO!!! (Yes, I know it is soooo hard to do)
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Such a hard thing to do, but often the right path is the hardest one to walk. And it's always worth it in the end. (not that we're necessarily going to like the journey)

    She will learn, or not. That part you can't control.

    Seems Miss Wisdom needs a huge dose of the real world for a reality check. It might take a while given her current attitude.

    Now be nice to yourself. I know it hurts. But it's time to do a little taking care of you. Take some time for yourself to let the wounds from her words scab over. Odds are, she doesn't mean them, it was just an easy (low blow) way to hurt you. She might think she means it.......but she's in for a rude awakening.

  4. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi Tiapet,

    Although I know it was hard for you to do. I am very proud of you. No one should be treated that way and my son did that when he was in his
    teens. The police caught hiim and called us and unfortunately he too was drinking under the influence. After that time he never did it again
    cause he was put in jail and we refused to bail him out. The other times he never got caught nor were we aware until a good friend told me.

    I am so sorry for you and what you are going through. I know it's easy to say, but please kepp your chin up. I think you made the right decision.

  5. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    In order to avoid liability, you should lock up your car keys at night. Remember that Club thing people used to use on cars? Get one. If you can, park your car where she can't get it out. If she is caught driving while drunk, you could lose your car depending on state laws. If she hurts anyone, it's you who gets sued. Do not let her have access to your car. Make it clear to her that if she takes your car without permission again, you will report it stolen.

    I am sorry your D is acting this way. You need to protect yourself and my suggestions are one concrete way of starting.

    Good luck.
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (HUGS) I know this is hard, but you will be doing her a great service. She won't like it, she likes the easy way she has now. She will thank you in a few years. Your relationship will survive this. You are doing this to help her, we all want the best for our kids. We want them to be independent adults. If she won't help herself, then why should you help her? Have your keys with you whenever she's there, take them to bed, whatever.

    Don't even answer her when she talks about how the other kids are being raised, fair doesn't always mean equal. But, anyway, none of her business, when she has kids, she can do what she likes! You don't explain yourself anymore to her on this subject, tell her you are not explaining youself next time she tries to engage you. If she keeps going, say "I"m ignoring you." We had to kick out our difficult child, it was the best thing we ever did to help him. Our relationship is totally different, 100% better. Stay strong. You got this.