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Tough Love is killing me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651297" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>WearyMom, there really is no answer to "why." We'll never know. Probably to wear us down so we'll do what they want. Our difficult darlings are nothing if not control freaks. Often the controlling behavior is effective too. Nobody likes being harassed. It is common to give in just to shut somebody up, and we love our children and they know it so there is an additional factor there.</p><p></p><p>My advice? Don't watch those thousands of texts coming through. Block her while she's on a rant, if you can, and if not, put your phone in a drawer and walk away. She'll eventually give up when there is no response.</p><p></p><p>With our difficult darlings, less is more. The less we talk to them when they are being irrational, which is a lot of the time, the less they get fueled up to spew more nonsense and abuse at us. Here's an example of how I calm down my difficult darling when he is on an abusive rant and it has been extremely effective to use the "less is more" method combined with the "I don't allow myself to be abused" add on. Now to me texting is as bad or worse than talking to them because I don't like to be able to scroll back and read the hate so I just go low contact when my son gets a bit "off-his-rocker." Here is an example how I have learned to interact with him when he is losing it:</p><p></p><p>Him: So that's your answer? That's your stupid answer? You think I should do this myself? You're a terrible mother %@&#.</p><p></p><p>Me: Hmmmmm.</p><p></p><p>Him: When my kids is 50, I'll still do things for him.</p><p></p><p>Me: (silence)</p><p></p><p>Him: Are you *@%& still there, b******?</p><p></p><p>Me: Bart, you need to calm down plus I don't listen to abuse. You know that. I'm going to give us a time out from one another. (hang up/phone goes in drawer/go back to what I was doing before/seething inside, but with time I have learned how to work through it quickly).</p><p></p><p>Now, let's look at the alternative of trying to talk sense into them.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child: I need money or I'm going to starve.</p><p></p><p>You: Look, I gave you a list of the various places you can get food. There really are a lot of resources out there.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child: YEAH AND I HAVE TO WALK A MILE TO GET THERE AND IT'S COLD OUT! YOU TOOK MY D&^( CAR, YOU %#@(!!!</p><p></p><p>You: (trying to knock sense into a brick wall) Look, you can't drive. You have that DUI. Even if you could, you know that Dad is insisting you pay your own insurance and gas, and that's going to help you grow up to be the man we both know you can be.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child: No, HE"S DOING IT BECAUSE HE'S A &%&# AND I SWEAR I HAVE THE WROST PARENTS ON EARTH! IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR FOOD I'M GOING TO POST THAT ON YOUR FB SO ALL YOUR FRIENDS KNOW WHAT A ^%$( YOU ARE!</p><p></p><p>(an hour later)</p><p></p><p>You: (near tears) Ok, ok. So I'll be by in an hour and we can shop for a few items.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child: You stupid (choose your word)! I'll take the damn money and shop myself. I don't need you to take care of me!!! (can we all LOL?)</p><p></p><p>Ok, the moral of the story is, the more we talk to them while they are being insane, the more insane WE get and the weaker we get and the more fodder we give them to shoot us down and make us feel bad. It's abusive and we are giving them a platform for it. Then often we become a doormat and even after all the abuse we do what they want anyway and STILL it's not appreciated.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to walk away, even from my own son when he is being crazy. For me, the result is that he is still crazy, but far less often than he used to be. I feel kinda silly that I put up with the abuse for so long. It doesn't help our difficult children when we allow them to abuse us or if we try to talk sense into them when they aren't hearing it.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you are going through this. I get headaches just reading posts like these.</p><p></p><p>Try to keep your chin up and have a good rest of the day and go low contact and "less is more" with Difficult Child.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651297, member: 1550"] WearyMom, there really is no answer to "why." We'll never know. Probably to wear us down so we'll do what they want. Our difficult darlings are nothing if not control freaks. Often the controlling behavior is effective too. Nobody likes being harassed. It is common to give in just to shut somebody up, and we love our children and they know it so there is an additional factor there. My advice? Don't watch those thousands of texts coming through. Block her while she's on a rant, if you can, and if not, put your phone in a drawer and walk away. She'll eventually give up when there is no response. With our difficult darlings, less is more. The less we talk to them when they are being irrational, which is a lot of the time, the less they get fueled up to spew more nonsense and abuse at us. Here's an example of how I calm down my difficult darling when he is on an abusive rant and it has been extremely effective to use the "less is more" method combined with the "I don't allow myself to be abused" add on. Now to me texting is as bad or worse than talking to them because I don't like to be able to scroll back and read the hate so I just go low contact when my son gets a bit "off-his-rocker." Here is an example how I have learned to interact with him when he is losing it: Him: So that's your answer? That's your stupid answer? You think I should do this myself? You're a terrible mother %@&#. Me: Hmmmmm. Him: When my kids is 50, I'll still do things for him. Me: (silence) Him: Are you *@%& still there, b******? Me: Bart, you need to calm down plus I don't listen to abuse. You know that. I'm going to give us a time out from one another. (hang up/phone goes in drawer/go back to what I was doing before/seething inside, but with time I have learned how to work through it quickly). Now, let's look at the alternative of trying to talk sense into them. Difficult Child: I need money or I'm going to starve. You: Look, I gave you a list of the various places you can get food. There really are a lot of resources out there. Difficult Child: YEAH AND I HAVE TO WALK A MILE TO GET THERE AND IT'S COLD OUT! YOU TOOK MY D&^( CAR, YOU %#@(!!! You: (trying to knock sense into a brick wall) Look, you can't drive. You have that DUI. Even if you could, you know that Dad is insisting you pay your own insurance and gas, and that's going to help you grow up to be the man we both know you can be. Difficult Child: No, HE"S DOING IT BECAUSE HE'S A &%&# AND I SWEAR I HAVE THE WROST PARENTS ON EARTH! IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR FOOD I'M GOING TO POST THAT ON YOUR FB SO ALL YOUR FRIENDS KNOW WHAT A ^%$( YOU ARE! (an hour later) You: (near tears) Ok, ok. So I'll be by in an hour and we can shop for a few items. Difficult Child: You stupid (choose your word)! I'll take the damn money and shop myself. I don't need you to take care of me!!! (can we all LOL?) Ok, the moral of the story is, the more we talk to them while they are being insane, the more insane WE get and the weaker we get and the more fodder we give them to shoot us down and make us feel bad. It's abusive and we are giving them a platform for it. Then often we become a doormat and even after all the abuse we do what they want anyway and STILL it's not appreciated. I have learned to walk away, even from my own son when he is being crazy. For me, the result is that he is still crazy, but far less often than he used to be. I feel kinda silly that I put up with the abuse for so long. It doesn't help our difficult children when we allow them to abuse us or if we try to talk sense into them when they aren't hearing it. I am so sorry you are going through this. I get headaches just reading posts like these. Try to keep your chin up and have a good rest of the day and go low contact and "less is more" with Difficult Child. [/QUOTE]
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