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Tough Love is killing me
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<blockquote data-quote="SeekingStrength" data-source="post: 651407" data-attributes="member: 17635"><p>Weary,</p><p></p><p>I am reading along and sending you hugs.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is young and there is hope with that.</p><p></p><p>As a "seasoned" enabler, I will tell you this. husband and I have been through all of what you post. It never got better for us, though it may for you and your daughter.</p><p></p><p>husband and I both wish we had stopped enabling a decade ago. difficult child pulled everything your daughter is doing. If it were funny, I would laugh. But, or course, it is far from funny and it hurts, a lot. I am so very sorry.</p><p></p><p>My advice: Remove yourself from the crazy. Take care of yourself and those that treat you right. I learned this from Conduct Disorders and it was some of the most valuable advice ever.</p><p></p><p>When my son was 32, and husband and I were so very, very tired, I found this forum. This was after I had called my brother, a sensible attorney straight kind of guy and asked him, <em>Is it okay to quit helping difficult child? </em>(Because I knew him to be one of the most sensible humans i knew and i knew he loved his nephew). And, he said <em>YES, what you and husband</em> <em>have been doing IS NOT WORKING</em>. It sounds a bit crazy now, but I just did not get that it was okay to stop, even though husband and I <strong>knew it was not helping</strong>. It just seemed unfathomable to stop trying. He was our (firstborn) son whom we love so much and we owed it to him to keep trying/pushing/giving/accepting.</p><p></p><p>It can be a slow step-by-step process, but there is freedom when you move past the enabling & guilt. If husband's and my enabling had helped difficult child make progress; well, we'd be all for it forever. But, nothing was improving. More demands, more hatefulness from our son. NO progress.</p><p></p><p>Again, with everybody else, I am here and keeping you in my thoughts. YOU: Be good/kind to yourself. Plan fun things for YOU....again, advice I got from this board. Once husband and I changed our perception of what was happening (based on experience from this board), life got much, much better for us.</p><p></p><p>Change what you can, but accept what you cannot and move forward...for YOU. If you see you are helping your daughter, that is different.</p><p></p><p>SS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SeekingStrength, post: 651407, member: 17635"] Weary, I am reading along and sending you hugs. Your daughter is young and there is hope with that. As a "seasoned" enabler, I will tell you this. husband and I have been through all of what you post. It never got better for us, though it may for you and your daughter. husband and I both wish we had stopped enabling a decade ago. difficult child pulled everything your daughter is doing. If it were funny, I would laugh. But, or course, it is far from funny and it hurts, a lot. I am so very sorry. My advice: Remove yourself from the crazy. Take care of yourself and those that treat you right. I learned this from Conduct Disorders and it was some of the most valuable advice ever. When my son was 32, and husband and I were so very, very tired, I found this forum. This was after I had called my brother, a sensible attorney straight kind of guy and asked him, [I]Is it okay to quit helping difficult child? [/I](Because I knew him to be one of the most sensible humans i knew and i knew he loved his nephew). And, he said [I]YES, what you and husband[/I] [I]have been doing IS NOT WORKING[/I]. It sounds a bit crazy now, but I just did not get that it was okay to stop, even though husband and I [B]knew it was not helping[/B]. It just seemed unfathomable to stop trying. He was our (firstborn) son whom we love so much and we owed it to him to keep trying/pushing/giving/accepting. It can be a slow step-by-step process, but there is freedom when you move past the enabling & guilt. If husband's and my enabling had helped difficult child make progress; well, we'd be all for it forever. But, nothing was improving. More demands, more hatefulness from our son. NO progress. Again, with everybody else, I am here and keeping you in my thoughts. YOU: Be good/kind to yourself. Plan fun things for YOU....again, advice I got from this board. Once husband and I changed our perception of what was happening (based on experience from this board), life got much, much better for us. Change what you can, but accept what you cannot and move forward...for YOU. If you see you are helping your daughter, that is different. SS [/QUOTE]
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