Well, yesterday I had to compile Matt's life history, and send it to the educational consultant. Boy that was tough, reading through all of those tests, and all of those documents, and all of the letters I had written to various doctors and therapists over the years. Tomorrow the ed consultant and I are supposed to meet for 4 hours to go over in detail Matt's entire life. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for this, and detach, but it is hard. It is hard to talk about his whole life, and all of the unsuccessful interventions, and placements. It makes a mom's heart sick. Tues the consultant flies to meet with Matt and talk to him. And then by Thurs we will have a plan in place to relocate him to a new place. My heart just leaps at that thought. This will be long term, thousands of miles away from me..............and he has no clue that it is coming. I have gone from seeing him every single day of his life, to being thousands of miles away, and not being able to even talk to him. He has been told he will be home in 4 months, because that was the original plan with this place. Now someone will have to tell him he will have a new placement, and probably never be coming back, and I am not sure if that person will even be able to be me. It makes me physically ill. I am trying so hard to detach, and not feel what he may be feeling, but still.......this week elicits pure panic in me. Total PTSD stuff. I feel like a wild horse inside. Fortunately, for the first time in my life, I have found a really good psychiatric dr for myself. One that, for the first time, I am building a bond with, and who is helping with some medications. I am trialing a new medication for depression that I had never even thought of - and he has XR me Xanax to get through the next month. And of course I have my counselor. None the less. This week is not one that I would want anybody to endure, let alone me. And on a somewhat funny note, but not really - the 2 VPs of our company are coming to town smack dab in the middle of this - and I get to spend every waking minute with them, including taking them mountain biking and nature hiking. (I work for a large outdoor company - so apparently they think it would be bond building for the VP and measley supervisor to mountain bike together - never mind the fact I do not like to cycle, at all. And I am not in that great of shape, and the last time I mountain biked I hit a rock and pummeled myself 25 yards in the air and down a hill. ) Whatever. Life.