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Toxic Friends-Kicking you when you're down
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 757424" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am wondering here if I am the guilty party. In two friendships I am thinking of, I am the one who backed off or left entirely. The friendship that feels irrevocably broken, I felt smothered. She demanded constant attention and would not observe a limit. But she felt entitled on her end to put in limits that benefited her. This felt too much like my family. And then there had always been cruelty and insensitivity on her part. I guess, at the end, (14 years ago), either I felt, enough is enough, or all of it caught up with me, and I could not take more. </p><p></p><p>It's not that there was a betrayal to others. The fabric of the relationship did not inspire trust. And as a teen I was molested by her father, who had also molested his 4 daughters. For years I had been a latchkey kid, I had turned to this family as the only support I had. I was vulnerable. And then after 50 years, one day, I decided to no longer be vulnerable to this family anymore. In my case, there had always been danger, and a lack of trust. So. I agree OW. </p><p></p><p>With this woman, I would have liked, one day to talk to her, but I fear it. I fear being blamed.</p><p></p><p>In the other case, with the doctor, the one who is focused upon herself, I am remembering something here. In the first few months of this friendship, 40 years ago, this woman would make plans with me, say, to go out to dinner. And then if the man she was seeing wanted to go out with her she'd cancel with me. It hurt me. She had left her marriage, for another man. And because this other man himself was married (eventually they did marry), and living in Europe, she had ANOTHER boyfriend. With this woman, I maintain a friendship although there was a decade of no contact on my part.</p><p></p><p>So. Again I am in agreement, OW. When I look at it in both cases their had been a web of mistrust, where what I had needed had never really been there. </p><p></p><p>I don't like to look so closely at this because after all these are the relationships that have endured (or not) my whole life. If they're gone, what is there?</p><p></p><p>Is the absence of trust in me, or is the incapacity in them, or both? To we pick these relationships in part because of the insufficiency?</p><p></p><p>I am sad with Coronavirus. I don't like all of these chickens come home to roost. But I like my cats.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 757424, member: 18958"] I am wondering here if I am the guilty party. In two friendships I am thinking of, I am the one who backed off or left entirely. The friendship that feels irrevocably broken, I felt smothered. She demanded constant attention and would not observe a limit. But she felt entitled on her end to put in limits that benefited her. This felt too much like my family. And then there had always been cruelty and insensitivity on her part. I guess, at the end, (14 years ago), either I felt, enough is enough, or all of it caught up with me, and I could not take more. It's not that there was a betrayal to others. The fabric of the relationship did not inspire trust. And as a teen I was molested by her father, who had also molested his 4 daughters. For years I had been a latchkey kid, I had turned to this family as the only support I had. I was vulnerable. And then after 50 years, one day, I decided to no longer be vulnerable to this family anymore. In my case, there had always been danger, and a lack of trust. So. I agree OW. With this woman, I would have liked, one day to talk to her, but I fear it. I fear being blamed. In the other case, with the doctor, the one who is focused upon herself, I am remembering something here. In the first few months of this friendship, 40 years ago, this woman would make plans with me, say, to go out to dinner. And then if the man she was seeing wanted to go out with her she'd cancel with me. It hurt me. She had left her marriage, for another man. And because this other man himself was married (eventually they did marry), and living in Europe, she had ANOTHER boyfriend. With this woman, I maintain a friendship although there was a decade of no contact on my part. So. Again I am in agreement, OW. When I look at it in both cases their had been a web of mistrust, where what I had needed had never really been there. I don't like to look so closely at this because after all these are the relationships that have endured (or not) my whole life. If they're gone, what is there? Is the absence of trust in me, or is the incapacity in them, or both? To we pick these relationships in part because of the insufficiency? I am sad with Coronavirus. I don't like all of these chickens come home to roost. But I like my cats. [/QUOTE]
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