tragedy, grief and the difficult child
- Thread starter myfirstandlast
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guest3
Guest
prayers and prayers your way.
busywend
Well-Known Member
Why oh why would a teach opt to reveal that much info? It makes no sense whatsoever.
I would be speaking to the school. If for no other reason than so they think next time they have to deal with something like this at the school. Save someone else from the humiliation your son will undoubtedly feel. Ugh!
I would be speaking to the school. If for no other reason than so they think next time they have to deal with something like this at the school. Save someone else from the humiliation your son will undoubtedly feel. Ugh!
witzend
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry for your family's pain. Unfortunately, it seems that in addition to all of the other stress, you need to talk with the school about this teacher's ill-advised announcement. Honestly, I can't imagine why anyone would make any sort of general announcement about this without having first discussed it with you as to your specific wishes.
myfirstandlast
Member
I am extremely upset with this teacher. My daughter had not asked how right away, and these kids might have learned it was suicide before she did. Her 4th grade classmates were spoken to in school (not about cause) and news had already gotten to my daughter's best friend in another school by that afternoon. She heard about it on the bus. :frown:
My ex's mother is distraught and in her grief determined to sue my sister for telling the school (teachers, who should know this info, including cause) and the school district, especially the school counselor, who was responsible for the letter that went home with the whole 7th grade that named the family. She is irrational and behaving horribly toward me, and I'm doing my best to hold in my own anger and grief and letting her vent ... I know she is suffering, but she is blinded to what I am going through on a daily basis with the kids ... her main concern is that her son's memory is not tarnished by this!
If I have to hear one more time about how "my sister" is responsible for causing "her grandkids" all of this undue grief I THINK I WILL BLOW. Thank God I have people I can vent to after I have to see her ... last time I saw this side of her, it was during the divorce.
I'm not sure how long the kids will want to stay home from school ... I work but hopefully there will be some sort of bereavement leave or something I can apply for. My son will need to be told that his classmates (which include HIS best friend) in that class know the cause, which I was intending on him sharing ONLY if HE wanted to, and only to whom he wanted to tell ... he was already upset about the letter. Waiting until we have a grief counselor before I tell him, because this will be very, very hard on him.
Going to talk to the school counselor on Monday about my concerns, the letter and whatever else may have happened COMPLETELY without my knowledge or consent. I'm not angry with my sister, she was speaking in the capacity of a school principal to other school officials and following procedure, but all hell's fury is about to descend upon her from his family.
Have to prepare myself for taking the kids to see him now ... God please give me the strength to hold them up, and do not let this burden their hearts.
myfirstandlast
Member
This was indeed the second worst day of my life.
The first was when my ex's mother kidnapped the children.
Today she tried to prevent me from being with them for the funeral. Well, more than tried. I had to sit alone in the very back of the room. Otherwise, she would have gone as far as calling the police to have me removed. I wouldn't do that to my kids, so I sat in the back while his service carefully omitted any fragment of my existence in his life.
I can't even tell you ... can't type what I'm feeling ... but today was sheer hell.
The first was when my ex's mother kidnapped the children.
Today she tried to prevent me from being with them for the funeral. Well, more than tried. I had to sit alone in the very back of the room. Otherwise, she would have gone as far as calling the police to have me removed. I wouldn't do that to my kids, so I sat in the back while his service carefully omitted any fragment of my existence in his life.
I can't even tell you ... can't type what I'm feeling ... but today was sheer hell.
myfirstandlast
Member
Going to talk to counselors today ... and find out what happened with the one teacher who told, why he felt the need to give the cause ... not that it will console his mother or stop her crusade to bring down anyone she feels is hurting her son's image. You have no idea ... (updating: sounds like it may have been blown out of proportion by the person reporting, that the teacher may have said it *could* have been suicide and that we didn't have that information, although I still believe it was poorly handled and the teacher is quite upset)
My son is new to the middle school, so the counselor that he has talked to a few times at the intermediate school will be talking with him, as well as the MS counselor. I had also requested an IEP meeting last week before the news and the Resource Room staff will be advised.
My daughter's elementary school no longer has a counselor due to funding/budget so the intermediate school counselor will be coming to see her as well. She is the same person that spoke to the class on Friday.
Yesterday, almost as soon as the kids got back from dinner with my ex's family, my son asked for some "family time" ... this is new for him. He's never really sought me out for comfort before, but I'm glad he is. They both came and sat with me on the couch and snuggled in close. My daughter had a question, and I asked if she wanted to wait and ask me when we had some "one-on-one time" and she said no, she wanted her brother to know too. Okay ... (*gearing up for those hard questions again*) ... well she'd been concerned at the funeral home about the make-up because she could see it on his hands and it was a little sloppy in my opinion. She wanted to know why he needed make-up, and why it looked like his hands were darker, and why there seemed to be a bumpy spot on his nose. (*And I take my anger at him and just scrunch it up as tiny as I can make it, like crumpling a ball of aluminum foil just as tight and small as you can*), and I explain how when you die the blood doesn't bring food to your cells and they die, and that the make-up was to make him look as natural as possible, so that he looks more like you would remember him, like he is resting. Told them that Grandma had said there was a scuff on his nose (*please please don't ask why*) and that it looked rough because they put make-up on the scuff.
Went to check on baby girl this morning (she never sleeps in this late) and the first thing she said was "I thought you said we didn't have to go to school today" ... it is going to take a lot of preparation to help them feel ready to face their peers.
Also need to talk to the people at the children's grief counseling center nearby and set up some group sessions with kids their age. They meet for an hour in the evening once a week.
Last night my daughter was extremely hyper, like she was having a "sugar buzz" and acting very strangely. She was mauling my husband, trying to get him to play rough (she and her brother had 'wrestled' with their dad a lot, they'd never really played around like that with their step-dad) and just being overly loud and goofy and "karate kicking" at things ... just odd. I tried to get her to lie down with me in my bed, thinking she might need to talk about the day. She kept jumping on the bed (flat, like a belly flop) and rolling off and hitting the floor, must have done it a dozen times, kept saying it didn't hurt, had to ask her to stop several times. Finally got her a little quieter and she started asking if she could sleep with me and her step-dad. I said no, but her bedding wasn't ready and I was exhausted so she slipped into bed with me and just crashed hard ... right out. (Me too.) Hubby made her bed after the laundry was done and carried her to her room when he came to bed.
She is really on a roller coaster ... one minute wanting to roughhouse (I can't due to pain and an upcoming surgery) and the next she is SCREAMING at her brother, who is trying to help her with an online game, and then the next she wants to snuggle quietly. God grant me the patience I'm going to need when I want to scream at them for fighting and jumping and whining about ev-er-y-thing. Knots my stomach.
Son is refusing to go and meet the counselor at his school today ... he just wants to go back to school tomorrow as if nothing happened. :frown:
(Sorry this is long and disjointed, took me hours to finish due to interruptions by phone, kids, etc.)
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Yes, it is long and disjointed. So are the emotions in that house right now!
Death brings out questions of ethics, what-ifs, whys; it brings out feelings of sadness, denial, anger, guilt; and magnify this by 100X in a kid's immature mind.
You seem to be doing a wonderful job in just letting the kids feel and act exactly how they need to. It is going to be "disjointed" for awhile. They are going to be extremely clingy to you and husband, and possible feelings of abandonment will surface. Just keep reassuring them.
Your "warrior mom" armor is about to get quite a workout. Hugs and prayers.
Death brings out questions of ethics, what-ifs, whys; it brings out feelings of sadness, denial, anger, guilt; and magnify this by 100X in a kid's immature mind.
You seem to be doing a wonderful job in just letting the kids feel and act exactly how they need to. It is going to be "disjointed" for awhile. They are going to be extremely clingy to you and husband, and possible feelings of abandonment will surface. Just keep reassuring them.
Your "warrior mom" armor is about to get quite a workout. Hugs and prayers.
my husband died when my difficult child son was 9. We had a funeral and afterwards we both had grief counseling for 3 months. I think it was 1 x a week. My son and I talk about his dad frequently and we keep his memory alive by frequent visits with his good friends,stories about his experiences, pictures and visits with extended family.At school everyone was told. The openness was good for all of us.
Sheila
Moderator
Kidnapping your kids and trying to refuse the kids their mother's comfort and reassuring presence at a time like this certainly doesn't speak well of her putting the kids' interest first. What an awful situation to have to deal with.
Don't worry about how long your posts are or if they are not written as a term paper. lol Just get it out.
Sending hugs
myfirstandlast
Member
Very rough day. Girl was on a rollercoaster. Boy did much better. Think he is ready for school tomorrow. She might not be.
myfirstandlast
Member
Kids are trying to go back to school today.
I hope that getting back to a "normal" routine will help them figure out what the new normal is. Life won't ever be the same, but the world keeps on turning and they have to find their own places in it.
They are in 4th (daughter) and 7th (son) and I hope it goes as well as can be expected ...
myfirstandlast
Member
School is almost out and no calls. Small steps, but good news.
Going to pick them up. Their schools release kids over an hour apart due to bussing. So drive in, pick up one, wait an hour, pick up other. No sense in trying to get home and back because we'd just be turning around in the driveway. Get at least a half hour of quiet time with just my son, though. That will be nice.
Otherwise their bus ride is over a half hour, closer to 45 mins some days. That's no fun. A few more days of avoiding that won't spoil them too much.
Going to pick them up. Their schools release kids over an hour apart due to bussing. So drive in, pick up one, wait an hour, pick up other. No sense in trying to get home and back because we'd just be turning around in the driveway. Get at least a half hour of quiet time with just my son, though. That will be nice.
Otherwise their bus ride is over a half hour, closer to 45 mins some days. That's no fun. A few more days of avoiding that won't spoil them too much.
myfirstandlast
Member
So there is this online guest book that is part of the services that the funeral home offers. No one else had, so I signed it, and said something very peaceful and just mentioned that the kids might use it to talk to their dad or to share something that they would want the world to know about him. (ANYTHING that would get them to open up and communicate their feelings, right?)
There are a couple of posts from people I don't know, and then one from a good friend of my ex who was in our wedding, and another friend I'd never met but that he had spoken of a lot, and I posted IN RESPONSE to their questions that they could contact me.
My ex's mother called me tonight, FUMING that I had posted on the guest book, FORBID me from posting there again, FORBID me from contacting or even attempting to contact any of HIS friends, ever. Just went off like a raving lunatic, and hung up on me when I did not cower and apologize.
I have done nothing wrong ... where does she get off thinking she can control me?
I hate her right now ... and I have not felt honest hate in years. I don't like it. I'm nauseated.
I know it is NOT in the kids' best interests to stop seeing their grandparents, but I am just disgusted and appalled at her behavior and don't know what to do ... she was SO instrumental in my first marriage failing, and I couldn't see it then but man oh man do I ever see it now.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
(((hugs)))
Let me tell you a little story.
My brother in law passed on...it will be 8 years ago this October. He left behind his fiancee and a 1 year old son. My mother in law (she could put your ex's mother to shame as far as control goes) was obviously a basket case. She never much cared for the fiancee. After the funeral, any time ANYONE tried to put flowers or a candle or anything at his grave, mother in law took it away. If anyone dared spoke one word negatively about her son, that was it. She completely flipped on them. About 2 months after his death, mother in law stopped talking to my husband and me, too. She thought we were being too nice to the fiancee, and therefore we were "traitors". We did not speak to her for over 3 years.
What I realized (but not for a LOOOONG time) was that this woman outlived her son. She was hurting in a way that none of us could understand. Not his brothers, not his fiancee, not even his child. She carried and gave birth to him. And to outlive your own kid, that is just not the natural order of things.
This is very fresh for your mother in law. Her outbursts have ZERO to do with you. Absolutely ZERO. DO your very best to let them roll off your back. Keep venting here about them, or bend a friend's ear, but don't argue with her over them. I am in no way saying that she is right, but she is hurting, and you are convenient. And there is no way you could explain that to her right now.
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
Let me tell you a little story.
My brother in law passed on...it will be 8 years ago this October. He left behind his fiancee and a 1 year old son. My mother in law (she could put your ex's mother to shame as far as control goes) was obviously a basket case. She never much cared for the fiancee. After the funeral, any time ANYONE tried to put flowers or a candle or anything at his grave, mother in law took it away. If anyone dared spoke one word negatively about her son, that was it. She completely flipped on them. About 2 months after his death, mother in law stopped talking to my husband and me, too. She thought we were being too nice to the fiancee, and therefore we were "traitors". We did not speak to her for over 3 years.
What I realized (but not for a LOOOONG time) was that this woman outlived her son. She was hurting in a way that none of us could understand. Not his brothers, not his fiancee, not even his child. She carried and gave birth to him. And to outlive your own kid, that is just not the natural order of things.
This is very fresh for your mother in law. Her outbursts have ZERO to do with you. Absolutely ZERO. DO your very best to let them roll off your back. Keep venting here about them, or bend a friend's ear, but don't argue with her over them. I am in no way saying that she is right, but she is hurting, and you are convenient. And there is no way you could explain that to her right now.
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Oh, that is so sossosososooo much to deal with. Everyone is reacting in their own way.
Your ex mother in law the worst, I may add.
I realize that she is grieving for her son, but trying to control you, and threatening to sue your sister is not going to bring her son back and not going to make her feel better.
Her son is and was responsible for his own actions. That's the long and short of it, and she will have to come to terms with it at some point.
It's not your job to help her. Just stay away from her and deal with your own family.
I wish you strength and peace.
Your ex mother in law the worst, I may add.
I realize that she is grieving for her son, but trying to control you, and threatening to sue your sister is not going to bring her son back and not going to make her feel better.
Her son is and was responsible for his own actions. That's the long and short of it, and she will have to come to terms with it at some point.
It's not your job to help her. Just stay away from her and deal with your own family.
I wish you strength and peace.
myfirstandlast
Member
My son took the initiative to talk to me about his feelings tonight! w00t!
He said that he was having a hard time concentrating in school because he was thinking about his dad. I suggested that he might start using the patch (ADHD) again and that might help too. (Stopped at end of last school year.)
Then, BIG surprise here, he himself suggested going to the group therapy for grieving kids I've been telling them about, that he was TOTALLY against a few days ago.
This is such good news ... can't wait to hear back from them. I so did not want to have to drag in him there ...
He said that he was having a hard time concentrating in school because he was thinking about his dad. I suggested that he might start using the patch (ADHD) again and that might help too. (Stopped at end of last school year.)
Then, BIG surprise here, he himself suggested going to the group therapy for grieving kids I've been telling them about, that he was TOTALLY against a few days ago.
This is such good news ... can't wait to hear back from them. I so did not want to have to drag in him there ...
