tragedy, grief and the difficult child

[myfirstandlast]

Forgot to add, I was a WRECK on Wednesday. Pretty strong depression. I talked to a friend of my ex who pretty much said that from his brief conversation with my former mother in law that yes, he does believe that she blames me for her son's death.

I mean, I know I could not have prevented this. I know that. But I am still human and still so sad that he didn't reach out to anyone. If only we had been on better terms, if only I'd shared my concerns about his mental state with someone a month ago, etc.

I had to get up early to get kids on buses and then slept from 9 am to almost 1 pm. I NEVER do that. But I've been pretty sleep-depped.

I almost felt like I was in a stupor on Wednesday. I was driving around town, waiting to pick the kids up from Grandma's house at 8 pm, and just felt rather ... disconnected. Like I was drunk or something, things weren't really clear, and I felt like I had impaired reaction time. I'm not on ANY medications, and I'd had something to eat (been barely eating, too) so nothing like that.

It has been one week.

When will it seem real?

It feels like the viewing/service was years ago ... but also like I need to remember to call him about ... oh, yeah. Da**.

 

[myfirstandlast]

Hanging in there. Both kids are reporting trouble staying focused in school ... not sure what to do about that.

 

[myfirstandlast]

Finally getting into the children's grief counseling program. daughter is devastated because it is the same night as the self-defense classes she was so looking forward to starting. Sorry babygirl, this takes precedence.

I don't know how long we'll be in this program, but the self-defense class will repeat in the spring, so she'll still have that opportunity. (It was mentioned during her dad's services that he took karate as a youth, and she's been on a mission to do the same ever since.)

My son joined the school Equations team and is really excited about it. Also aced his band instrument skill test. They are both on a rollercoaster still, but neither seems to have gotten extremely depressed yet.

 

[rejectedmom]

You are doing all that you can do. Be gentle with yourself and take some downtime just for you. Stay away from yur mother in law as much as possible. She is toxic, was toxic before all this happened, and now has what she feels is justification to treat you badly.
You do not deserve it. She needs help but probably won't seek it. If her toxicity filters down to your children you may have to take steps to stop that but for the meantime just let it be. Continue to take care of yourself and your family. Try not to get caught up in the turmoil. Great that you and the kids are going to conseling. It helps but it does take time. (((HUGS)))
-RM

 

[TerryJ2]

disconnected. Like I was drunk or something, things weren't really clear, and I felt like I had impaired reaction time. I'm not on ANY medications, and I'd had something to eat (been barely eating, too) so nothing like that.


Actually, that's normal. Give yourself time. It will pass.

I agree, stay away from your mother in law!!!!!! I cannot repeat it, nor can any of us repeat it, often enough. Don't worry about allowing the kids to see her, either. Don't worry about whether it's fair.
Go to counseling. In fact, tell the counselor about your mother in law, if you feel comfortable doing it in front of the kids.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[myfirstandlast]

Just wanted to update this thread too. We have continued with grief counseling. It has gone better than expected, especially with my son, who HATES counseling. Both kids enjoy going.

They've been warning me in my group that the first major holidays without their dad are going to be the worst. I easily spent four times what I should have or ever have on presents because I wanted more than anything for them to just have a day where his absence was not deeply and painfully missed. I know I can't buy happiness, but there was plenty of joy and surprise. The kids spent their own money to buy each other gifts, and made really nice unselfish choices. I'm very proud of them. :smile:

 

[totoro]

I am happy to hear that you and the kids are doing well!!! Nice to hear the holidays went well.
Thanks for the update... I am sure that there will be ups and downs in the future but it sounds like you have done the right things for your kids... to help them heal.