Tragic death has me a bit concerned for difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Jan 12, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A young man difficult child graduated from high school with took his life yesterday. He posted the suicide not on fb where it still remains (I wish they would take it down). This young man was an athlete, a self taught accomplished pianist, an author, a marine, a son, a friend, an extraordinary person....and he had bi-polar and lived in a manic state just about every day of his life. He was adopted at the age of five after being taken from his drug addict/alcoholic parents along with his three siblings. He was bounced from foster home to foster home until finally adopted. While he never did drugs himself he obviosuly suffered from the effects.

    During high school many of his classmates thought he was strange, they didn't have the maturity or understanding to deal with his manic stages, yet he never hurt a fly and was a friend to everyone. He could no longer quiet the storm in his brain and decided by taking his life he may bring an understanding of bi-polar to more people.

    We knew something happened last night as the first news reports started coming in but didn't know who it was. I live in a fairly small community and most people know of each other and certainly everyone in her graduating class knew each other. I didn't want to say anything to difficult child until we found out who it was and when I did I was just trying to figure out what to say when difficult child called me to ask if it was true.

    This makes about eight people that difficult child has known very well that have died in the past year. Substance abuse and mental illness takes our young people way too early.

    My concern is that this terrible tragedy will but her back in touch with many many people from our community that I would rather not see her be in contact with. They are planning community memorial services and of course the funeral and her graduating class has started a fb page for everyone to reconnect. That scares the begeebers out of me. While this young man was never involved in drugs, so many others in her class were and surely they will all be at the services.

    I'm holding my breath that difficult child is able to handle this in a sober and healthy way and that is does not lead to a relapse or reconnection with people she has left behind. I have to tell you I am holding my breath here.

    Last edited: Jan 12, 2012
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    Can you preemptively offer to take her to the memorial service and then out for a meal afterwards? It would limit her opportunity to reconnect with bad influences and she would be none the wiser to your motive in doing so.
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh Nancy, that is SO very sad!

    Hoping your difficult child can talk this through with someone...Like a sponser maybe.

    Prayers for the family of this young man.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Sig has a great suggestion. Hugs and prayers out to your daughter...
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Nancy I am holding my breath along with you. This is so hard. I feel bad for your difficult child, her classmates and of course his family.

  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about another life destroyed by mental illness. I feel so sad for the young man's family.
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh-this is so sad and one of my greatest fears. I hope she will weather this well.She's been doing so well.

    I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))
  8. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member


    That is such a terrible and senseless loss for this man's family and friends. I'm sure the next few days will be difficult for you and for your daughter. Sending best wishes to you both.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    i am so sorry to hear this. I woud worry also but hopefully your daughter will just go to the funeral and nothing more. I like Signorina's idea also. I think I would go a little bit further and suggest that your difficult child make sure she see's her therapist if she has one afterwards.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Nancy, I am sending cyber hugs to the whole family. Suicide of even an acquaintance can be terribly painful. The Christmas break after I went away to college, a friend who was still in high school killed himself. He sent a note to a friends' apaprtment, addressed to 4 of us. It was so awful, so painful. I have always wondered if I had stayed at the local university if I could have made a difference. The "ifs" are the hardest part second only to just not having that person in your life.

    I am deeply concerned for your daughter. To be honest, I am wowed and impressed with her strength to go through all she has and be where she is right now after so many losses in such a short time. This is a set of very serious blows.

    I don't know if your area has visible/advertised grief therapy groups. Grief therapy is different than regular therapy, and often going through it with a group is actually more helpful, or doing group and private therapy at the same time. Esp when the death was due to suicide, in my opinion. I felt whiny when I spoke to my regular therapist. Just whiny, like here I was crying and all upset when he wasn't even breathing. The group I attended let me see that I had a lot more than 'whining' going on, and that I wasn't alone and it wasn't going to be forever. I would always miss him, but I wasn't the only one who felt that sort of pain.

    here the grief groups are actually sponsored by the funeral homes. They offer space and subsidize a good therapist to lead the group. There is no fee to anyone who wants to show up, regardless of if your loved one was buried at that funeral home. groups are usually at the biggest one in town, but sometimes they will move to another funeral home is circumstances warrant. They also will let you know which tdocs do grief therapy if you don't want to attend a group.

    Losing one person is a huge blow. Losing eight people, even if you didn't know them well? A blow I can only imagine. Please find some info on grief therapy and give it to her. If you know ther are fees for the therapy, it would be a really nice gesture to offer to pay for it, if you can. Not dealing with grief can hold you back from success at anything for the rest of your life. There were people in grief groups who were finally dealing with loss that had happened decades before. I found it truly scary to see how these smart, caring, warm, loving people who were really great at their jobs and hobbies kept themselves from succeeding until they dealt with their grief. They didn't feel they had earned the right to live a full successful happy life, so they did stupid things and sabotaged themselves every time they got close to any type of success no matter how small. Their lives after they worked through the grief were much better and much different because they gave themselves permission to not just be happy but also to be successful in careers, hobbies, and most importantly in my opinion, in loving others including their children.

    So please, while difficult child has the supports that she has, please let her know that grief therapy exists and if you can easily find a list of groups/tdocs, it would be a very loving gift.

    I am so very sorry for all of those she has cared about and lost. I do think that Sig's idea is a good one.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I understand your concerns. Our community has lost at least six of difficult child#1's peer group in the past two years due to differing circumstances. The FB connection has heightened the emotions. Sure wish this didn't happen at this fragile time but she has been using her support system well lately and may be able to make healthy choices. Sending hugs to you all. DDD
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you all for your comforting words. Sig that is a wonderful idea. I found out the wake is Sunday and the funeral is Monday and she works both days 9-8. That may resolve the problem unless she takes off. I'm going to feel her out on the situation. She posted a few quotes on fb through the evening that came from him, he was a motivational speaker and talked to anyone that would listen.

    It's very sad for our community. Reading all the fb comments from the young people is heartbreaking. They have a video of him with background music where he is talking about his life. He was in the news the past two years and voted one of the most interesting people in the city by one of our magazines. It is obvious from the video that he is a wonderful person, but also that his mind never stops and he must have been so tired. I think about his parents and their struggles with him over the years. They did not have an easy life with him, he did not have an easy life with himself. All so sad. And yet not one person has ever said a bad word about him

    The school board has agreed to front the money for braclets to be made in his memory with proceeds going to the bi-polar research center and they are making arrangements to retire his jersey. The community is being very caring and I can only imagine his wake will be very emotional.

  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Very sad, that is a scarey high number of deaths. We just lost a 16yo to drugs, he died in his sleep. He was just beginning to experiment with drugs. The memorial was at the high school and very emotional. I think many of us fear the very same thing happening to us.
    My heart goes out to your family and his. It is going to be very hard for all.