Tres stupid...vent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    *, yes my difficult child has trouble doing simple tasks too. I don't understand it either, it is perplexing, frustrating and irritating, to say the least. You're fortunate your difficult child does not live with you and had the insight to call and apologize. When my difficult child was staying with us a few weeks ago she offered to make dinner. We usually eat at 6. At 5:30 she asked me to drive her to the store to buy the ingredients. Then between numerous distractions, she began cooking dinner. We ate dinner at 10 PM. We were all starving. She left the food out and all the dishes and disappeared. I put everything away at midnight. When she used to be invited to dinners at my mothers home, she would arrive between 1 and 3 hours late. That was usual. After spending time with her recently, I surmised that her particular issue (among others) is likely severe ADHD , although never diagnosed, she has ALL the symptoms. Which, of course, makes the simplest of tasks so difficult because she cannot stay focused, any distraction takes her off course.

    You sound as if you are usually extremely good at detaching and staying calm and focused on the appropriate things, I commend you on that. And, of course, you have a difficult child, which by definition offers us moments of angst. You seem to have done a very good job of keeping those moments really contained. Good work!
    Lasted edited by : Apr 4, 2012
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    *, forgive me but I don't recall difficult child's diagnosis.

    I don't think you're offering to let her earn some extra cash was a bad idea. Nor do I think you losing it with her when she was acting like a 5 yr old, a bad idea. Often I've found it's in these moments (although it doesn't feel like it at the time) that difficult child's tend to learn the most. Not always, but often. How else were she to know her behavior was so childish if you didn't tell her? And no, honestly, if you hadn't lost it she most likely would not have had it register and take hold. But you losing it got her attention.

    I'm not saying that should be the way to handle every situation, because then it would lose it's effect too. But when it's genuine and with good reason, then a difficult child needs to hear it just as much as anyone else does, maybe more so.

    So don't feel bad about it. Offering to let someone earn money instead of giving it to them is always a good idea, teaches them that one must work for what one wants and there is no such thing as a free lunch. Yeah, often it's a PITA for US, but I'd rather do it that way instead of just handing cash over myself.

    Sounds as if hr current roommate may be a really good influence on her. Which in my opinion is awesome. This will also help her to grow and mature if this woman is helping to reinforce what you've been trying to teach her. :)
    Lasted edited by : Apr 4, 2012
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I read in a book about anger management that getting angry (not violent) is not always a bad thing. It tells the person you have boundaries and they have crossed them.

    My 33 yo difficult child was never diagnosed with mental problems. He started drugs at a young age and I am not sure if he was born with them or they are drug related, but I see mental issues.

    He is a 'follower' and each time he has gotten into trouble over the years it was never with one of his childhood friends. He picks the girlfriend from h*** and the last one is the worse yet.

    They were clean and sober for a year and started going to concerts. I guess they thought they could handle it and slowly started drinking, and drugs (although he had denied the drugs).

    The girlfriend started calling me and harrassing me after they would have fights. I finally called the police a couple of months ago to stop the harrassment. She was ordered no contact what so ever.

    They had a huge fight (he cuts himself and threatens suicide) and she went into detox and he Baker Acted himself. He asked me to call his childhood friend and leave a message. The only reason I did was because the pay phone he was calling from was very hard to hear.

    No one called me back. When I spoke with my difficult child he said they were probably blocking my number. WHY??? He said they didn't like his girlfriend. WHY??? Finally the sister of the childhood friend text me and said they never wanted to see difficult child again. The witch had been harrassing them and witch lied to my difficult child and he called them and threatened them. He did the same thing to his sister.

    He also left me a nasty message after he found out I had called the police, but he didn't threaten me. I don't know what kind of twisted game they were playing, but he has now lost the one reliable friend he has had since elementary school. He had to know she was lying and I guess he was the protector to call and defend her!!!

    He has text me twice asking for money and I ignore him. I have rehearsed it in my head to keep from screaming at him when he does call. I know I probably will not hear from him for several months, but he will call around his birthday. I was yelling at him the last time he called and I told him they were acting like 2yos, he is 33 and she is 37.

    I do not want to yell at him, he blamed everything on girlie and I want him to know that we all know the truth now!!! Yes, it does make you (me) feel better to vent!!
    (((hugs for us all)))
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think Hound took the Mommy words right out of my Mouth and could NOT have said it better.

    I'd like to know someday - WHY it seems that it's OKAY for the entire rest of the world to misbehave, act like children, be childish, do mean and bullying things, basically act like an emotional ass or be devoid of all reason and logic - and WE are the ones that get UPSET when we blow a cork?

    Interestingly enough - having held it together for so many years when I did blow my stack? I really Mt. Vesuviused the entire top of my logically thinking mind - and screamed, yelled, pounded my fists, my heart was racing, and I lobbed rocks - (like 3-4 pounders) at my son while I called him every name in the book known to me at that time - in my front yard and then picked up my bird feeder pole and launched it like a harpoon at the GREAT WHITE HOPE....and his filthy little mocking mentally ill mouth.

    Give yourself (_) much credit *. YOU ARE of course, after all - ONLY human and occasionally I think you, me and everyone else needs a friend to remind you of that fact. And I know even while I'm reminding you of such? You're sitting there thinking - "Yeah but I should have been able to hold it together better, be an example, walk away, turn the other cheek," and you know - most days we do that - a LOT more than many parents and MORE than MOST for sure. So if you DO have an episode? Meditate on it a moment and do something for you when you can that allows you to forgive yourself.

    I'm reading now about how our stress TYPES are a contributing factor to our anger - and this would be a perfect example - (and I think for a lot of us) of constantly silently dealing with so many things that we'd LOVE to deal with but feel it's just not worth it. They add up - and when they do? We blow. Then we feel really bad, not exactly sure why such a "little thing" caused us to explode - and we feel enormous guilt. I'm a stuffer - so I'm trying to learn how to deal with THE HERE AND NOW - within 24 hours -appropriately rather than considering myself Mother Superior....and yea a lot of people are going to get me coming at them sideways - but I'm not carrying around a trunk full of "Oh I don't know what to do with this feeling" any more. I'm traveling lighter going into my old age. And Dude? He is going to be a GRAND recipient of my baggage claim in the terminal of life. Eventually he will learn - by this? YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE - even baby animals get that. And thus? You GOT an apology.

    I'm not saying Blow up every time - but I would explore not stuffing emotions any longer through anger management. It's very interesting.
    Lasted edited by : Apr 4, 2012
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A well-timed (and unplanned) blow-up can work wonders, I think. You have to pick your battles, for sure, but as Star said, sometimes we just push things down inside so long we can't take it any more and we blow. I think the fact you got an apology out of this is a good sign that you should NOT feel guilty about this. You stood up for yourself and let her know her BS wouldn't be tolerated.

    And yeah, my Youngest sometimes has trouble doing the simplest tasks. Recently one of them is apparently her ability to carry anything in or out of the car when she has her kids in tow. I can't tell you how many times she's asked me to "help" her carry things because she just can't pick up that empty McDonald's cup I asked her to throw away when riding in my car, or even pick up the diaper bag off my kitchen table to carry back to her own car, since she's got to get E and A in or out of the car. And then I remember all those years of learning to juggle a boatload of koi when I was getting her and her sister in and out of the car by myself... I mean, sometimes I had to make *two* trips.. shocking. Sigh.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You know * I was thinking about ME doing tasks - today - and I swear to you I've asked before if it sounded like I had adult ADD or ADHD....everyone said NOPE. So its just me and ole "Fritz" the brain - hitting on how many every out of ?? cylinders in the cranium of life. But some days I just can NOT - and I mean CAN.NOT stay on task. I remember those days as a kid and the closer it gets to Spring and nice weather I think the worse it gets for a lot of people. High pollen count, Spring Fever - fear of spiders - Yeah I can see even someone that is NOT a difficult child having a rough time on a pretty day when I'm angry about so m any other things that I've done and don't know why that NOW I'm stuck sweeping a porch.....instead of being at the park throwing a frisbee.

    You're a tres manifique Mom.......don't ever doubt that. AND while I'm thinking about it - IF she had ONLY USED COUPONS? She probably WOULD have had enough money to last her - so it really wasn't your fault - Tell her to get clipping. (just kidding)

    Lasted edited by : Apr 4, 2012
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I was a person unable to make the simplest task.
    No proper treatment for my ADHD, so intense focus problems.

    After, we took tiny steps. But very tiny steps.
    Like I manage my own laundry and I feed the cats. Not and I clean up my room, and I don't clean up the plates, and I don't scream....
    Then, I could add managing the grocery shopping when mom is not able to do it, which I do most of the time.
    It happens to mix up the money, but I give her back the money I took (I wish I could kill my Maths Learning Disability (LD) and never mix up with numbers).

    I know it's hard to be patient. But her ability to apologize whereas she didn't do before is a good sign for me.
    To lead to something productive, rely to baby steps. I know it's hard, but it's the only secret I know so far to lead her to be more productive.
    There is hope :)

    At the moment, I can't hold a paid job and i wish I could study at university. I wish I could, I feel like a failure for not doing so. I try to do my best at my volunteer job, but I know that I can't always do everything I wish to do. I try to keep up my advocating job (even if it's from home and I organize myself like a liberal profession, I treat it like a job : fighting to make a law change is like a full time job by itself) and I wish I could finish the last 10 lines of my practical guide chapter to show it to an editor.
    Sorry, it was not in my mom's plans. But really, we have a better relationship than a few years ago. Despite my inability to hold a paid job (yet) and to go to study (yet).
  8. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Hi *,
    Motivation plays a part in succeeding without medications with- ADHD. However, it's super short lasting. Exhaustion follows the effort.

    It's more realistic with medicines.

    My only secrets to have been able to reach where I am now are pick up the battles and rely to baby steps.
    A little list of absolutely non negotiable rules, but constantly enforced whatever the matter, the rules you absolutely don't give up. Another set of preferred rules, you wish it but you won't put yourself in danger to obtain them. A third set of rules for what would you love in an ideal world (if you have it, great. Otherwise, be it). If you try to fight for everything, you exhaust yourself and you drown everyone at home. Believe me or not, it will save your sanity.

    I also rely on baby steps. I know I can't completely change a situation in a whole at once (mom can, and great for her. I don't have her ability to do it).
    So I rely on one goal at home and one goal for my job. At home, it was let said "not exploding to each other and learning to listen to mom". For my job of advocating (yes, I treat it like a job), it was "organizing my computer folders".
    Once a goal has been mastered, I go to the other.
    If you want to change everything at once, I am afraid for you of not being capable to be lasting to keep what you set up (because it would be a near impossible task for everyone, not only for me or for you).

    Take care of yourself
    Lasted edited by : Apr 4, 2012
  9. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Thank you :)

    What I can say is at mom's home, the rule of thumb is : do you best (behavior, work), no matter the result.
    If you fail despite having done your best, it's ok because at least, you tried.
    If you take more time to get your independence and live the nest, be it.
    The more I get pressure to reach a result, the most probable I will crash for the whole effort (and even being physically sick like a month and a half in bed for a viral pericarditis coupled with a strep throat).
    It explains the reason of our home rule of thumb : "do your best, it's the most important".

    We have also other essential rules like no stealing (I can even feel guilty when she gives me something I feel that I don't deserve. I felt ashamed when she offered me the iphone for my Xmas and birthday present, because I felt like stealing. She was determined and told me that the hard work with the law made me deserving it twice. It was hard for me to accept), no lying (and I'm not a good liar at all), no hitting. These are also the rules to be able to live with her.

    For the cleaning up after, do your best (it can happen I forget).
    For the screaming, it happens also not only because I have no sound return with only one ear (I wish I could), but if you couple with ADHD when off medications, it can be bouncy screaming without raging (I don't hear myself as screaming, but as speaking normally). So mom understood that she can't manage the screaming as if I did it for the purpose, and it's not "to make her own life a misery".
    I may not always hear my mobile ringing when I am in the street. Not because I ignore her for the purpose, but because I really can't hear it. It also happens that I hear my mobile, but I didn't make it to take the call because I can't localize my mobile phone ringing (I hear the sound, but I don't find where does darn the sound comes from).

    To summarize, she had to pick her battles too, because she knows that some expectations can't always be met or not met at all.
    She had to also adjust to her expectations, and to find a way to meet her expectations without meeting them. Sounds tricky, huh ? To give you the example with the mobile I can't hear, hearing aid or not, the rule is as soon as I get my mobile between hands and I see she has called, I have to call her back or send to her a SMS.

    I also tend to believe that picking up the battles helps to see what is realistic to expect from your difficult child and what it is not. It saves energy and sanity.
    Mom and I learnt it the harsh way. If what we learnt can help others, why not ?

    As we tend to go off topic, I wish to ask a moderator if I can write a topic-assignment about prioritizing the issues and adjusting expectations (these actions go hand by hand).
    I strongly feel that it can save some persons' sanity here, and avoid many dramas. In a few words, to help make life easier for everyone.