trouble doing what needs to be done every day

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by army wife, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. army wife

    army wife New Member

    Am I one of very few moms who cannot balance housework, quality time with the kids and time with my husband? I fail alot for someone who tries so hard. :2dissapointed:
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ummm... let's see.

    1) depends on what you expect for "housework". I have... 1 week of laundry to fold, the next weeks' worth to wash. Vacuuming... is VERY overdue. Fridge needs cleaning, so does the oven. We'd never be "condemed" it's not that extreme, but bad enough that we can't have company.
    2) hubby. At least mine "gets it". We agreed that the kids come first - and we're counting down the years until it's just the two of us again and we'll re-kindle the "romance". (we're still in love, just not very romantic... hard to be, when every conversation is either about the kids, or about how we're going to finance it all...)
    2) kids... well, yes. difficult child kids take TIME. And mental energy. And cause lots of worry and lots of lost sleep and...

    See? I guess you're NOT the only one.
    I'm guessing on this board, there's gonna be quite a few more.
  3. army wife

    army wife New Member

    thank you I needed to hear that. I always only seem to hear "stay at home moms should do it all" and "i son't understand why you can't do this..." My husband complains we can't have company but now I try like crazy and its just the kids room and our room that stays messy and he still complains. he thinks housework should come first. it sux.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    You're not the only one. When Miss KT was home, I aimed for "reasonably sanitary" but the house was still a mess. Now I have an empty nest, but I work part time and still can't keep up with everything.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Should have added... if you have a difficult child for a kid, then whatever "normal" families do is no where near possible. been there done that. (on-going) difficult child kids take more effort, WAY more effort. And difficult child kids are a major strain on a marriage.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Army wife, I think you are and your husband are pretty young yourselves and you have 3 very young children. I was in your position when dirt was invented many moons

    Im sure you probably feel much the way I felt back a complete and total failure at this whole mother and domestic goddess thing. When I was BC (before children) I actually liked staying up and making love all night long. After having 3 kids? Oh my heavens! Are you kidding me? One more Someone else who wanted a piece of me after 3 little ones wanted all my time. And housework was never ending because as soon as I picked something up, another one of the kids would take 2 things out again. It was a nightmare.

    It was so bad back when my kids were little that I couldnt understand why people dreaded becoming 40. I was actually praying for the day I turned 43. People didnt understand that until I told them it would be the day my youngest turned 18. But then again they kept telling me I would be so sorry and cry over my empty nest. Yeah right. Empty nest my left butt cheek. I will never get that empty
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I was a stay at home mom of 3 (4 when Katie was with us) for over 20 years.

    There was a period of time when I believed my house should be utterly spotless at all times. (I was raised that way) I nearly killed myself trying to keep it that way. I mean you could literally eat off my floors without fear. I used to nearly bust into tears because it never failed that as soon as it was messy, someone came to the door.......mother in law or a neighbor or whatever.

    I told this to mother in law one day, she spent her whole life as a stay at home mom and I never knew her home to be anything but spotless, and she patted me on the arm and laughed. She said she had the same sort of luck raising her sons. House could be utterly spotless for ages. Let there be one day when it got cluttered or messy or whatever; and everyone and their uncle showed up at the door. lol She told me to relax and not to get so upset by it. It was only spotless since I'd known her because her kids were out of the nest. lol Took me a while but I managed it.

    After that my house was, you still might be able to have eaten off the floors....but clutter ect didn't bother me. Kids are gonna play and mess things up. Things are gonna pop up throughout the day that might prevent you from doing laundry or whatever. It's not the end of the world. There is always another day.

    I did come up with a schedule for larger chores such as cleaning out the frig or laundry or scrubbing the bathrooms that broke them up onto separate days which helped a lot. Fred used to whine about how mother in law used to do the laundry every single day but I only did it on fridays. mother in law told me the only reason she did laundry every day is because she was out numbered by males who were determined to toss sopping wet towels into a hamper full of dirty clothes. If she didn't, everything would have mildewed. lol

    Just do the best you can to keep up with it and don't worry so much about it. Being a mom is a 24/7 365 day a year job. You're fortunate enough not to have a 2nd job on top of it, but that doesn't mean what you do every day is any less or any easier.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have always had trouble multil-tasking. No, you are NOT alone!
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    You are so not alone! I struggled with this same thing so badly, that it resulted in me ending up feeling completely burnt out and completely dissatisfied with life and miserable emotionally. I ended up consumed (not obsessive compulsive type consumed, just determined to be that Perfect Mom and Housekeeper *yeah right*) and I literally missed needed sleep in order to keep it all as perfect as possible every single day. I don't know why/how, but one day I just gave myself a reality check. Is a perfect clean home nice? Sure it is. And some days I even end up with it looking that way now. For a day max before living gets in the way of supposed perfection. And that "living" usually means we made messes by cooking and sharing family meals that ended up with no clean up because that time together lead to a great family evening. In which case, those dishes staying dirty didn't seem so darn bad after all. The alternative would have meant a sparkly kitchen at the expense of a great night bonding with those that I love. The letting go of "picture perfect" also reduced familial conflict. No more was I the nag who had to be on everyone to pick up and end up in fights or being resentful for being the one who had to constantly clean. Laundry? Pffft. My rule now is that 1) laundry must hit a basket, of which we have many to just avoid it piling on floors and making a bigger mess. 2) Laundry is done enough that we all have clean clothes to wear. 3) If something is dirty that someone wants, don't expect me to read minds, ask. NICELY. I'll prioritize it.

    I have no idea how I coped when both of my kids were smaller, when I worked and attended post secondary schooling, and was a single parent, and kept my home "just so". Well, it probably helped that we spent so much time at school and kids with sitters. Nobody home often to make it messier. But I can say that I've long been a stay at home mom. It's coming up on 2 years in a few months since my eldest flew the coop and moved across country for work and his girlfriend. My youngest is now a teen and more than capable of helping around her. And I now am not doing this alone, I have a S/O to help. And guess what? My house has never again been that clean, picked up place for long. And the best part? We are all so very much happier! We spend time enjoying one another, and I gave up this nonsense guilt complex about taking time to just sit and do things that I enjoy (even when housework NEEDS doing). I read, I play on the internet, take naps, watch television, yak with my small group of girlfriends on the phone, etc. I'd say its a 50/50 guess most days if my house is worthy of company. And I have learned, that it is OKAY. And it isn't some reflection of me being some failure or doing something right. So long as we don't live in dirt and filth, which we don't, I have learned that a lived in home (my term for clutter or things not always picked up, unmade beds, messy laundry room, etc) usually means a much more content family. It took me letting go of unrealistic expectations, along with putting more emphasis on quality of our family life IN the home, instead of appearances. I haven't ever regretted it.

    You aren't doing it wrong. You aren't failing anything or anyone. Be kind to yourself. I can't even imagine trying to keep up with appearances or whatever with 3 young kids. Add anxiety and other factors with you (I also share much of your list) , and your husbands experiences that cause him emotional strain, and it is even more important that you remember to tell yourself that you and your loved ones needs come before worrying if dishes get done at a certain time or laundry is all tucked away clean. Hugs.
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I have ONE difficult child, NO husband, and a part-time job. ONE difficult child is SO EXHAUSTING that just looking at housework is enough to make me want to nap. Especially when I KNOW that it's endless labor. It wears me out just thinking about it. One tantrum and the whole place is a wreck again, because that's life with my difficult child. Doesn't help that my job consists of waiting on people and cleaning up after them all day, last thing I want to do is come home and do more of the same when Kiddo doesn't do much to pick up after herself.

    So yeah, I aim for reasonably sanitary, but perfect? Pffffft ain't happenin'. Unless my boyfriend does it.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I think the kids should come before the housework. And my husband and I had differences of opinions over the years and still do. One time, husband came home and I was at the kitchen table, which was covered by newspaper, and we were scooping out pumpkins. Instead of seeing a fun family scene, he asked when the mess would be cleaned up. :(
    Even before that, I let difficult child play with-the pots and pans on the floor. I thought it was cute. husband though it was noisy and messy.
    They're only young once.
    I would single out ONE thing that you know annoys your husband and just make sure that's done every day. And even tell him if you have to--look, honey, here's your hot dinner and a clean spot in the kitchen just for you.

    I hear ya!
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :rofl: I spent the day playing with my new IPod. My son is onto something. Everytime that little voice inside my head started nagging me about cleaning something......I just cranked up the tunes and danced.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Army wife, another idea: When your husband doesn't "get it" in regard to your depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), tell him that when he helps you, that helps YOU help him. It's a partnership. Then be specific about what you need help with. For example, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) means nothing to a guy like that, but if you tell him that anxiety hits you out of nowhere, sort of like the flu, when you least expect it, and you get so mad at yourself because you had so many plans for the day, and all you could do was help one kid on the toilet and another kid with-a drawing and then you had to do deep breathing for an hour, maybe he'll "get that."
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Army wife -

    I just responded on your other thread. It seems like both you and your husband could benefit from some therapy and some R & R. Nobody can do it all...and the anxiety from not ebing able to do it all only makes things worse. You need to take care of YOU before housework or anything else.
  15. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Armywife. I echo everyone else. When my kids were little and I was a stay at home mom I cleaned and cleaned and was super mom. My gosh I glued Barbie shoes on. I crawled all over the floor finding every tiny piece of toys. Cut open the vacuum bag to make sure I didn't suck toys up. Then I had a nervous breakdown and started taking Prozac. Wow what an eye opening. I could function without needing to be crazy. The house was presentable. But you could tell that 3 kids under 4 lived there and 1 was a difficult child. Dishes done. No food laying around for bugs. Bathroom clean. Not spotless. As far as toys. I picked up once a day at night after bed!
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If I remember correctly you have ADHD which makes it nearly impossible to keep track of it all...especially when you have difficult child's. My daughter did go on stimulant medications for awhile after CPS was called a number of times and her house was a total mess.With or with-o a disorder as everyone else says it is just plain hard to maintain some order in an active household.

    For me it helped to designate each weekday as "laundry day" or vacuuming day" or whatever and the children learned that it was a family project and any contribution was welcomed. No, lol, it didn't solve the problem but it did make it easier to make some progress. Alot of Moms have stress with mealtime. It helped me alot to plan the meals for a week and post it on the refrigerator door. Rarely did I have to scramble trying to figure out what I could put together.

    I wish you luck. Getting difficult child's to help is hard but at out house I cranked up the rock n roll and we all danced as we did the chores...some days it worked. Hugs DDD