Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Troubled in Pittsburgh
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675579" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Troubled And Welcome</p><p></p><p>The path to improvement must come from your son, I think.</p><p></p><p>There are elements your son's story shares with that of my own child. Except your son has achieved more.</p><p></p><p>My son is 27. His problems surfaced around the same time as with your son.</p><p></p><p>I had to push him to do everything. Get jobs which he held for a few months. Go to college, Job Corps, training in a helping medical field. Eventually, when he quit his job 4 years ago I insisted he leave here pretty much permanently.</p><p></p><p>He never returned to college, although he is very bright. He speaks 3 languages perfectly and 3 more. He taught himself.</p><p></p><p>Since I pushed him out his main accomplishment has been to qualify for SSI for Mental Illness. He is adopted. I believe it was easy for him to qualify because he applied in the city of his birth and early life and there was a record of trauma. In that, my son's history is different than your son.</p><p></p><p>I am a professional. I have always been hardworking and success oriented. When I have had problems or barriers I have sought professional help. I have tried to change, to be better. I still do.</p><p></p><p>I do not see my own son as doing that.</p><p></p><p>I have come to see that we are different people, my son and I, that I cannot impose my own values on him. I have come to see that the best thing I can do for him and for myself is to respect him enough to allow him to live his life on his own terms, on his own steam, not mine.</p><p></p><p>I believe that you have launched your son. I think your role in supporting him has ended. I do not mean you do not love him or support him with the truth, what I see as moral authority. But he is his own responsibility now. If not, where does this end? How does he begin to have responsibility for himself, the kind that we have? The sense that his life is his own. That it is he who did it.</p><p></p><p>Now that my son is receiving public support my obligation to him has become more limited. In the way I describe. I love him. I tell him, in a very limited way, what I think--when he asks me. I also limit how much contact I have. If it is destructive to me. I tell him the truth, if I need to.</p><p></p><p>I see my role now as telling myself the truth, too. That any expectations of him really are not that appropriate--unless I am directly involved, directly impacted.</p><p></p><p>If he goes on and on like a broken record in a way that I hear as wallowing I will go so far as to say: How do you think it feels to hear that from you, of you that you suffer so? I love you. I do not want to hear that you suffer so, without end. Those are topics to address with a therapist. Or a spiritual adviser. I know that must sound harsh.</p><p></p><p>I do not say it to be harsh. I do it to tell the truth. Our sons will help themselves or not. That is the truth.</p><p></p><p>My own sadness and frustration have no role in any of this. My only business now is myself. How to be happy. To feel complete and at peace. He is his business. My own expectations are my own for me.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here. Keep posting. I hope you do.</p><p></p><p>I know this is a different way of looking at things. The reality as I see it now is this: Any meaningful and lasting change will come from our children. Not from us.</p><p></p><p>It matters for us. And for them. That we see this. And act from it. That is what I think now.</p><p></p><p>I have a contentment and a sense of peace that I cannot remember. Since I accepted what I see as reality. Our relationship, that with my son feels appropriate in a way it has not been for years and years. He seems happier. He calls me to ask my opinion. He calls me to check in, to sustain the relationship. He calls so that I do not worry. I am grateful for all of these things. I see them as highly meaningful. And hopeful.</p><p></p><p>The rest of it is his business.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675579, member: 18958"] Hi Troubled And Welcome The path to improvement must come from your son, I think. There are elements your son's story shares with that of my own child. Except your son has achieved more. My son is 27. His problems surfaced around the same time as with your son. I had to push him to do everything. Get jobs which he held for a few months. Go to college, Job Corps, training in a helping medical field. Eventually, when he quit his job 4 years ago I insisted he leave here pretty much permanently. He never returned to college, although he is very bright. He speaks 3 languages perfectly and 3 more. He taught himself. Since I pushed him out his main accomplishment has been to qualify for SSI for Mental Illness. He is adopted. I believe it was easy for him to qualify because he applied in the city of his birth and early life and there was a record of trauma. In that, my son's history is different than your son. I am a professional. I have always been hardworking and success oriented. When I have had problems or barriers I have sought professional help. I have tried to change, to be better. I still do. I do not see my own son as doing that. I have come to see that we are different people, my son and I, that I cannot impose my own values on him. I have come to see that the best thing I can do for him and for myself is to respect him enough to allow him to live his life on his own terms, on his own steam, not mine. I believe that you have launched your son. I think your role in supporting him has ended. I do not mean you do not love him or support him with the truth, what I see as moral authority. But he is his own responsibility now. If not, where does this end? How does he begin to have responsibility for himself, the kind that we have? The sense that his life is his own. That it is he who did it. Now that my son is receiving public support my obligation to him has become more limited. In the way I describe. I love him. I tell him, in a very limited way, what I think--when he asks me. I also limit how much contact I have. If it is destructive to me. I tell him the truth, if I need to. I see my role now as telling myself the truth, too. That any expectations of him really are not that appropriate--unless I am directly involved, directly impacted. If he goes on and on like a broken record in a way that I hear as wallowing I will go so far as to say: How do you think it feels to hear that from you, of you that you suffer so? I love you. I do not want to hear that you suffer so, without end. Those are topics to address with a therapist. Or a spiritual adviser. I know that must sound harsh. I do not say it to be harsh. I do it to tell the truth. Our sons will help themselves or not. That is the truth. My own sadness and frustration have no role in any of this. My only business now is myself. How to be happy. To feel complete and at peace. He is his business. My own expectations are my own for me. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. I hope you do. I know this is a different way of looking at things. The reality as I see it now is this: Any meaningful and lasting change will come from our children. Not from us. It matters for us. And for them. That we see this. And act from it. That is what I think now. I have a contentment and a sense of peace that I cannot remember. Since I accepted what I see as reality. Our relationship, that with my son feels appropriate in a way it has not been for years and years. He seems happier. He calls me to ask my opinion. He calls me to check in, to sustain the relationship. He calls so that I do not worry. I am grateful for all of these things. I see them as highly meaningful. And hopeful. The rest of it is his business. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Troubled in Pittsburgh
Top