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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 675614" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Troubled,</p><p>Welcome to this site, but I''m sorry for the difficulties that bring you here. You are not alone. Many here (including me) could have written a close variation of the detailed description points you have laid out.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child son is now 36. He was still exhibiting all the same tactics up until I came to the realization that my misguided intentions of helping him and supporting him were actually just enabling him to stay in the rut of his self-destructive behaviors. It was driving husband and I nuts. I realized that allowing him to stay in our home was not good for either him or for us. It took me a long time to see it. In our culture, many adult children stay living with the parents, and it is not usual that kids are so called "kicked out" as the family custom is to be close and take care of their own.</p><p></p><p>And naturally as parents we all feel responsible and desire so much to set our kids up for success in the way we see it and the way we want it. But the usual strategies that may seem to work with easy children, just do not work with our difficult children.</p><p></p><p>Finally, we asked our son to leave our home a few months ago. I had to detach from his situation and from my emotional fears. Son did not take any action on his own to leave, so I had to work hard myself to remove his belongings and clean out his room and change the lock. Since he has left, I have found a measure of peace. I think my son is far better off for it also, just if only to be away from us, away from the enabling. He rarely communicates, which is his way, but when he does, he has not been upset with us.</p><p></p><p>I really wish I had seen the "light" about this many years ago. If I had stepped back sooner, stopped my enabling years ago, and given him the push to use his wings to fly, he would have many years earlier faced the challenges and responsibilities to grow and become confident in himself (maybe not? who knows? Only he can make the choices for change in his own life.) He now has a late start, but these actions on our part - to send our adult difficult children out on their own is necessary at some point. I think the longer we wait, the more they themselves sense a fear that they cannot make it on their own.</p><p></p><p>Reading other threads and posts on this site will show you that detachment from enabling is imperative for our difficult adult children in order for either the children or us parents to have any peace.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting here. It helps. Others will be along. Read the "<em>Detachment article"</em> thread posted at the top of this forum. It helps to keep being reminded of how and why to detach.</p><p>Take care. Kalahou</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 675614, member: 19617"] Troubled, Welcome to this site, but I''m sorry for the difficulties that bring you here. You are not alone. Many here (including me) could have written a close variation of the detailed description points you have laid out. My difficult child son is now 36. He was still exhibiting all the same tactics up until I came to the realization that my misguided intentions of helping him and supporting him were actually just enabling him to stay in the rut of his self-destructive behaviors. It was driving husband and I nuts. I realized that allowing him to stay in our home was not good for either him or for us. It took me a long time to see it. In our culture, many adult children stay living with the parents, and it is not usual that kids are so called "kicked out" as the family custom is to be close and take care of their own. And naturally as parents we all feel responsible and desire so much to set our kids up for success in the way we see it and the way we want it. But the usual strategies that may seem to work with easy children, just do not work with our difficult children. Finally, we asked our son to leave our home a few months ago. I had to detach from his situation and from my emotional fears. Son did not take any action on his own to leave, so I had to work hard myself to remove his belongings and clean out his room and change the lock. Since he has left, I have found a measure of peace. I think my son is far better off for it also, just if only to be away from us, away from the enabling. He rarely communicates, which is his way, but when he does, he has not been upset with us. I really wish I had seen the "light" about this many years ago. If I had stepped back sooner, stopped my enabling years ago, and given him the push to use his wings to fly, he would have many years earlier faced the challenges and responsibilities to grow and become confident in himself (maybe not? who knows? Only he can make the choices for change in his own life.) He now has a late start, but these actions on our part - to send our adult difficult children out on their own is necessary at some point. I think the longer we wait, the more they themselves sense a fear that they cannot make it on their own. Reading other threads and posts on this site will show you that detachment from enabling is imperative for our difficult adult children in order for either the children or us parents to have any peace. Keep posting here. It helps. Others will be along. Read the "[I]Detachment article"[/I] thread posted at the top of this forum. It helps to keep being reminded of how and why to detach. Take care. Kalahou [/QUOTE]
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