Troublesome just Adult Children!

[I have had it.]

Hi,

Don't know if I'm on the right forum, but my name says it all.

Son number one moved out 4 months ago. Two months ago we discovered he has had a our credit card for the last 6 months and racked up 7 grand on mcdonalds and parts for his car. (I Know we should have caught it earlier, but didn't think our boys would do something like this.)

Son number two had his mothers debit card in the same time period and racked up 6600.

Both drive around in cars paid for by us, as well as the insurance.

When we found out of these thefts, they both finally got jobs. 1 at Grease Monkey, 2 at walmart.

Son 2 turned eighteen in April and has since moved in with his 17 yo girlfriend and her parents. We have taken back the car and only allow him to use it for work. We got him to sign a notary'd promisary note. His first payment is due July 1. He is very defiant and has told us he deserves to take what he can from us, because he had a rough childhood. One of his beefs is we had a problem with him, his girlfriend and there buds partying in our basement after we went to bed. Go figure.

Son 1 is not returning our calls and I have suggested we will cancel the insurance and retrieve the car somehow.

Feel very bad, the wife is getting physically sick. Do not know what to do, but have definitey HAD IT.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome. I am truly sorry you are dealing with two sons who are so disrespectful, rude and entitled. Many here will understand and have been in your shoes. The only thing you can do is to set strong boundaries, stick with them and learn about detachment. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

If I were you I would cancel all insurance, retrieve the cars and refuse to pay for anything. They both have jobs, let them work for what they have.

This is a devastation, unlike no other for us parents.........you will need support. You may want to consider therapy, parent groups, 12 step groups, whatever groups fit the profile whether it's alcohol, drugs, whatever works for you and your wife, you've both been dragged through this insane world of entitled kids who fail to launch and blame everyone but themselves for their actions. If you find any further theft, you may want to file a formal complaint with the police and allow natural consequences to reign. If they did this to you, it may happen to someone else who will not be so lenient. They stole. They broke the law. They know what is right and what is wrong, they should not get off so easy, they should have a severe consequence.

You may look into formal eviction should either one of them think they can return to your home, so you know you can get them back out again. In some states it requires legal paperwork. You should perhaps look into restraining orders. In the meantime, learn how to stop enabling them, learn how to detach, learn how to take care of you and your wife. Do not allow these boys to hold you hostage in any way.

Do not pay off horrible behavior by paying for their cars and their insurance or in fact for anything. You certainly don't owe two, who ran up all that money, anything at all. It is going to be up to you to hold the line and not fall for any of the manipulations that will undoubtedly be thrown at you so you feel guilty and give them what they want. For many of us it really helped to get a good therapist to walk us through this detachment process, we parents don't know how to do it, and in this case, as in many here, detachment is necessary. Your wife getting physically sick is a sign that she needs help to come to terms with all of this in a way that nourishes her and gives her boundaries, tools, understanding, compassion, empathy and the resolve to move forward in a totally different way.

I am so sorry you had to find us. But I am glad that you did. Keep posting, it helps. You may consider posting in Parent Emeritus, where our kids are older. Having "had it" is a good sign, it means you're ready to make the changes necessary to get your own life back.

 

[BusynMember]

I would post this on either Parent Emeritus or Substance Abuse (sounds like there are drugs in the picture). This particular forum is for parents of minor kids and parents have legal rights over kids under 18. It's different once they turn 18, unfortunately. I have grown kids. If that was my son, I would have cut off all money to him. If he wants to be a man and live on his own, he should pay for it. JMO

 

[ksm]

Have you considered calling the police for the theft and debts of the credit card? I truly doubt that they will be able to pay off that balance and the interest will just continue to rise and you will be owing lots more than the balance you have now. I guess if you have made a deal with them for repayment that is your business... but if it was a true theft, then the credit card should work with you - but only if you report it as a theft. I guess I can't imagine how it would take 6 months to know the balance wasn't what it should have been. Good luck, I sure would hate to be in this situation! And I understand why your wife would be sick, as I would be too. KSM

 

[DDD]

Just a quick response. Welcome! Glad you found us...wish you didn't have to look! You are not alone but my one short piece of advice is to be absolutely, completely sure that you and their Mom are on the SAME page. If you have a united front it will send a strong lesson to your sons and it will assure that you marriage doesn't splinter. Sending support! DDD