Trust..and illusive beast

[exhausted]

Had a family session this week at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with daughter. I truelly want to believe the things she says.(But I'm not stupid) She does seem positive and happy (the medications?). She is again talking about coming home. But I just don't buy it.

She has asked us to consider some things that send out a red alert. She wants to move into the extra bedroom in the basement (where she could crawl out the window at night undetected) when she returns home. She wants to return to the local high school where she has a reputation, some gangsters from her past are still in school, and she has had littlle success, and.....last night on phone call, she asked to go off birth control. She says it isn't helping her acne enough and gives her stomach ache. She is just not right enough in her head-does she think getting pregnant will get her out of her predicament? The judge ordered her into secure care until age 21 if she screws up again. She says she doesn't plan on having sex again until she is married.(Would insert the laughing icon here if this didn't scare me so much!) We have not directly answered any of these requests and will answer in another therapy session. She asked each one of these things during a visit or phone call, didn't mention them to the therapist.

So it seems to me that though her attitude is pleasant, her requests are just out of line enough to show she isn't sincere about recovery! Actions =trust!

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

Do some cps with her - she has presented solutions to concerns - what are her concerns ?

Allan

 

[toughlovin]

OK this sounds similar to the situation we were in..... so from my experience I think Allan has a good point. Talk to her about what her concerns are and see if you can get at them and then see if you can brainstorm solutions. However she may be homesick, want to be with her old friends, and want to just come home.... and be very entrenched in the solutions she has come up with.

My guess is that she is sincere but also believes she can handle being back in the same situation with the new skills she has learned. From our experience they may have really good intentions but it doesn't mean they can really do it, as Allan would say they don't really have the skills.

I am not sure in our case what would have been a better solution. Our son did come home and did well for about a year but then he really started to slide down hill and things did not go well for him. I am not sure this would not have happened if we had sent him to another school right off.... I just don't know.

Whatever you do keep listening to your gut... that is really important.

 

[keista]

She can easily change birth control medications. Another might be better for her acne and not give her a stomach ache. If she's willing to try a switch without any argument on it...?

Sorry for your situation, I can only imagine your difficulty.

That item just popped out at me as "maybe we can really test her with this" If she responds positively to the idea, it doesn't necessarily mean she is sincere with the others, but if she responds negatively then you've got your answer.

 

[susiestar]

I think you need to pay attention to those red flags and your instincts. At this point she has not earned the right to your trust or to have a room she can easily sneak out of, or to return to her old surroundings. Is she supposed to be leaving Residential Treatment Center (RTC) soon? Not asking these things in a session with her therapist is a HUGE red flag, in my opinion. It says to me that she may be aware that the therapist would not think they were good ideas, so she is trying to get you to think they are okay and tell the therapist that they are. Make sure that ANY plans are worked out with the therapist and that you have spoken privately with the therapist to let her know your thoughts and to get hers. The therapist may think these are good ideas or not.

I do NOT think agreeing to go off birth control is a good idea for any female difficult child. The consequences of not using birth control are just too permanent and involve a whole other person plus create major changes in the lives of her entire family - largely because you will be doing a LOT of the care of a grandhcild born to her now or in the next few years, at least financially. Changing medications, even going with an implant or the depo shot would be a far better choice. Just amke sure that you actually take her for the shot or the yearly update or whatever so she doesn't let it lapse. I can see not wanting to take a medication that makes your stomach hurt, but the idea of not having sex until marriage is just too unrealistic. Few who have had sex as teens, esp as difficult child teens, can really abstain until they are married. HEck, every single girl that said that she would be a virgin on her wedding night ended up being preg before getting married as a teen. At least at my school. Those who said they were not sure, but would make sure to use birth control were FAR more likely to not get preg in high school or the first year or two of college. It just is not a realistic goal.

Did she have her own room in another part of the house or share iwth a sibling? I can see that sharing a room might be hard if she has her own room at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but if she has a room of her own in another part of the house, giving her this basement room would be giving her too much freedom, in my opinion. Why does she think her old room isn't good enough anymore? That might be an interesting question to ask.

You also might ask her, in front of the therapist, why she thinks she should get/have these things when she hasn't earned your trust by behaving well in the outside world yet?

 

[DammitJanet]

Im giggling at the whole, But Mom, I want my own room and I promise I wont have sex till I get married thing. I think I may have said it myself a time or two, not that I didnt have my own room already but I probably was arguing for my own apartment or something. Probably any kid who has been caught having sex as a teen eventually tries to go back and say that they will stop and not do it anymore. I suppose I did, I dont remember.

I wouldnt let a girl off birth control if a dr agrees she should be on it. Its too easy for a mistake to happen.

 

[klmno]

What is her tdocs take on all this? Is therapist really "aware" and in tune with your daughter? If what therapist says doesn't quite add up, your daughter might not really be honest with therapist and/or therapist might not be a good therapist. If, on the other hand, therapist says she hears this but doesn't think difficult child is "quite ready" yet to have those freedoms or that this is too risky under the circumstances or enabling, etc, then I'd listen to therapist. I wouldn't have this talk without letting your difficult child know first that you'd like to get some recommendations from therapist "regarding what you can do at home to help her suceed".

 

[Nancy]

Family sessions in front of the therapist or counselor, is a great time to get those things out in the open. You are wise to be suspicious of her motives. We used family session to draw the line in the sand and tell our difficult child what we would and would not accept. She was in no position to ask anything from us at that point. Room in the basement???? No way. Off birth con trol???? That is not showing she is being responsible at all. If side effects were the real reason tell her she can have the dr switch the medications, or consider an implant. Not sure what to do about school. We triedn so hard to keep difficult child away from the druggies but no matter where she went she found them. What about vitual school?

Nancy

 

[DaisyFace]

I guess one of the red flags I hear in this post is:

"The Birth Control pills are not helping my acne."

as opposed to:

"I'd like to try a different form of birth control."

And what is wrong with her old bedroom? Surely it's still perfectly good? Any particular reason she gives for not being able to use it any more?

 

[exhausted]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Last night at the family visit (no therapist present, just visit) we decided to probe and see what her needs were. We decided not to do full blown cps because some of these things are just a big "No" for us right now and we wanted to see her intent before we go further. She seems more ready to do cps with the birth control issue than the others.
1.The room-she wants a bigger room-the one down stairs is only a few feet bigger. She likes her decore upstairs better-but she says it is space.
2. Going back to the school she was at-she says that she knows the place and likes some of the teachers and it is close to home. It is true that she will find trouble and poor friends at any school should she decide she is going to go back to her old ways.
3. Birth control-Just as I was writing this she called. She says she changed her mind and wants to try a new birth control that will help her acne more. We did work this with cps. She is very interested in implants (I didn't even know about these until I read it here). She can't do depro because of depression an weight issues, I wonder if the implants are an issue here?? I'm glad she revised this request as I'm not sure if it is the birth control causing stomach aches-she takes 3 other medications. She also has some trouble from time to time with IBS-mostly when stressed, she doesn't seemed stressed however.I'll call the dermatologist tomorrow.

I don't know if she is homesick. She never mentions it as she use to at the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She seems happy for the first time in a long time. She does so well when she is protected from herself and not under huge amounts of social stress. I really like this place and the staff. I love the skills they are learning-very practical.(Just don't know if they will keep her from running and sexually acting out if she chooses) I just can't help but wondering if these requests, one on top of the other, are not a way to keep using her maladaptive behaviors in a sneaky way once she is released. She knows the drill and walks the walk but I still don't see a committment to the skills. I told her she would have to make a "DEAR MAN" request (a DBT skill which makes kids really think through their requests) from now on. Hopefully, this will help her know that we are going to hold her accountable to the skills. I will talk to therapist before next session and we will handle these issues then. She will probably be out by August if she keeps going as fast as she has been (already a level 3 in one month), so we need to be thinking about stuff. Thanks for your imput-I really value everyones support.