Trying Hard Today

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Overwhelmed 61, Jan 5, 2020.

  1. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Just thought if I wrote, I'd feel better.
    Feeling scared and anxious. My mind is pretty blank. Can't keep a thought going. Tried closing my eyes and clearing my anxiety by thinking good thoughts, hasn't worked. Praying for my family and the people here as I pray for myself. That's the best I can do today.
    Trying to understand why me, my daughter and son are so lonely, disfunctional in our own ways and so distant. Why can't we be there for each other? Why are the kids so hell bent on ruining what we once had?
    Thanks again for this site and the people that make it what it is.

    Peace and Love
     
  2. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Overwhelmed61, just wanted to send you a warm hug.
    I'm an old member, most of you don't know me. I don't post these days although I have a lot to tell about my difficult child. But I still feel so attached to this board that I don't miss a day, I come here every day and my heart goes out to each and every one, I truly feel the pain.
    Yes, this board is just wonderful, it saved my life years ago, it was just so comforting to know that I was no longer alone with my problems, and could talk about them with people here who are not critical, but accepting and understanding, and unfortunately fellow sufferers.
    So I send you, as I said, a warm hug.
    Love, Esther
     
  3. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Thank you Esther. Hugs are the best. I am new here and older too. Been dealing with these issues a long time.
    Trying to get it together.
    This site is a God send.
    I'm glad you still come here to give support.

    Peace and Love
     
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Overwhelmed I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is hard, this journey we are all on, because the answers are not always the ones we hope for. As you continue on this path, please know that there are brighter days ahead. I think a lot of us hit rock bottom before our adult kids do, we get to a point where the sadness of it all takes over and we know we are not in a healthy place. Please know you are not alone. This path is full of ups and downs and there are many folks at different points along the way. I think of it as a journey to a mountain top. Sometimes I feel strong and make it to a lookout point where I can rest and recover, only to come up against a landslide of emotions. What I have learned is that I cannot control what my two choose, only my own response. The more focused I am on self care and healing, the better my response. The low points became less and less, and I am able to channel my dad’s stoic reply
    “It is what it is.”
    The desperation and sadness have a way of twisting thoughts around and entangling within our hearts that this is love. Many here have written that they cannot find joy with their adult kids out there with the lifestyle they are living. I keep telling myself that I am their first teacher. Modeling self care, building up self respect, enough to set boundaries for not only what treatment we allow from our beloveds, but where we allow ourselves to go emotionally, mentally and physically.
    Self care is so crucial to all of us. When we are entangled and wrapped up tight in the web of our adult kids choices, self care seems selfish. It is not. Self care is what we wish for our kids, that they would begin to think and live to their potential. That they would see their meaning and purpose in life. As their first role models, disentangling from negative thought processes and coming up and out of the rabbit hole, embracing a goal to take better care of ourselves, sets an example for our wayward kids. They may not like the new us, mine don’t, but I keep trudging up that mountain knowing that if I don’t, then I am just as lost as they are. That’s three lives wayward and confused.
    You are going through a tough time right now Overwhelmed, but you can do this. Sometimes it was all I could do to take one day, one moment, one breath at a time. Hang in there and find your heroes through people like Maya Angelou, Viktor Frankl, anyone in your life who has come through hard times and made it through. Seek quotes that inspire you and write them down. Or, have a darn good cleansing cry. Feel what you have to feel and find healthy ways to express.
    You have value and worth. Take very good care of yourself. Be kind to you!
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  5. Nandina

    Nandina Member

    Overwhelmed, I am so sorry that you are dealing with these issues with your grown children and sad thoughts. I have read on this forum many times, that it does no good to ask “why.” You could spend eternity asking that question and never get an answer that satisfies you, and it will leave you open to possibly blaming yourself.

    This is so much easier said than done, but you have got to start doing things that make YOU feel good. I find that when I am not feeling sufficiently loved by certain family members that it helps to find ways where I can be appreciated or loved in other ways. There are many people lonely and hurting in this world, who are not our children and would be so grateful for a visit, or a comforting word from someone.

    There are little children in schools all around who need someone to read to them, help them with homework or just need a mentor. I enjoy children, so that idea appeals to me. There are so many needs out there in all realms of society and unfortunately, not enough good people to cover them.

    You are obviously a very caring person. Please reach out to someone who needs you and will appreciate that kindness and caring. You know your children don’t right now—that is their loss. Accept it for now.

    If volunteering is not something you would enjoy, then please find other ways to care for yourself. Thinking will not do it. Doing something positive for yourself or someone else might help.

    And keep coming here, posting and reading. It is a great help! And like many more who may come later, I send a warm hug and love.

    Nan
     
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  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I will add some hugs as well. I find that hard as it might be rather than sit and think i get up and go somewhere so i can occupy my mind with other things. Driving calms me ( although it may not cause calm to others). Walking my crazy dog in the woods and watching her crazy antics helps. She has fights with sticks and shakes them till they break or carries them around and swings them. I have a couple places i go where there are creeks and even a waterfall i find that very peaceful. I know these are just a short respite from our chaotic thoughts but it helps long enough to take a breath.
     
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  7. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Thanks everyone for your support. I am trying to get out of this funk but just can't seem to beat it today.
    I used to have special places to retreat to but now days I just don't want to leave the house. Dreading going to work tomorrow but I will go, always do.
    Maybe tomorrow will be better.
    I know what I am doing is not healthy and not making anything better but I just can't focus or think. What a back slide from the other day. Felt so confident and ready.
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It’s okay Overwhelmed to just sit with your feelings and let it out. Take care dear.
    Leafy
     
  9. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    I want so bad to call my mom or one of my sisters but they don't know what I am going through and are not very good listener. Not their fault, just how it is. Besides I don't want to upset my mom.
    Just so tough being alone when you feel this way.
    The HUGS are so appreciated. You don't know how much they mean to me.

    Peace and Love
     
  10. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Overwhelmed,

    I think you are very courageous to keep moving, despite your funk. I learned today that sometimes you have to "do it afraid ".

    Courage is not the absence of fear; it is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.-Joyce Meyer.

    Get to know the enemy within, which is your thoughts. Practice being present. It's weird but when I take a few minutes to look around, above and below me (living in the present moment) , I get a burst of energy to do something like cook, clean, read.

    Hope you find your center. Have a good day at work tomorrow. It's great that you have an income, purpose and responsibilities to focus on.

    Hugs, you can do this sis!
     
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  11. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Thank you Jmom. I always feel better at work. It takes my mind off of things.
    I can't tell you how much I appreciate you reaching out to me.
    Everyone here has been the best cyber friends anyone could wish for.

    Peace and Love
     
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  12. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thanks Leafy, needed to hear these words today. The sadness can be so overwhelming and it can knock you for a loop, like a wave that bowls you over and threatens to drown you in it.
     
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Overwhelmed, I certainly know the seesaw of our emotions. A long, long time ago, I learned the value of learning mindfulness to help me through the tough time of learning to cope with a physical condition that causes me chronic pain and illness, for which there is no resolution.

    I regularly practice mindfulness to deal with with my own physical pain, but it's more difficult to apply to my emotional upheavals, though sometimes is still better than no times. It's all about seeing the thoughts and emotions that overwhelm me without judging them. They are simply there. It's easy to condemn the thoughts, but like the pain of stubbing my toe, my reaction is much better when I realize the pain is my body's way of saying it needs words of comfort and care, not condemnation. Self-care is a choice, one we wish our DCs did. I am so glad to hear you are getting on with work. In hope and wellness for each of us.
     
  14. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    I have never heard of that before blindsided. Think I will look into this.
    I know I keep raving about this site but I can't say how wonderful you all are enough. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Peace and Love
     
  15. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I am so glad I shared. Jon Kabat Zinn has a wonderful way of relating mindfulness. I think I have read nearly all of his books.
     
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