Trying my best to cope

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    i haven't seen or talked with my son for about 5 months. He has called and texted but I haven't answered his calls or text. I decided I needed to stop enabling and needed to detach. This has been hard. In one of his text he said he was living on the streets. I have stayed awake many nights wondering if he had food or a place to sleep. I checked on line tonight to see if I could get any info on him. I found out he has been arrested for uttering a forged instrument. He is on probation for 5 years. In June he stole his girlfriends rings and pawned them. He has two felony charges against him now plus the forged check. There was a picture posted of him on the sheriff website. He looked terrible. It upset me so much. I want to rescue him but I know jail is the best place for him. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He says he is done trying to help him and I can't say I blame him but I am his mother and I feel like I should have done more but have tried everything I could to save him. Just upset and needing to vent and would appreciate any feed back
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jail is the safest place for.him. he wont be able to use heroin regularly. You wont hsve to worry that he will be on the streets. If you rescue him, even if he lives with you, he will be in danger on the streets and could bring danger to you and your other loved ones

    He could also die of an overdose, far less jail.

    You will have some peace.

    Decide how often you want to talk to is costly. Figure out in advance what you will send him. My own suggestions about what to send, which you can take or leave, would be motivationsl books, if he has a religion then religious books, sports mags, easy stuff so he can heal while he is there. He has a chance. Or not its up to him.

    At our ages, we have earned our purple heart parent stripes. Okie, you have gone over and above your calling. You hsve done it all.if our love could cure them, theyd all be well. But although our love (not our money or our enabling) can ground them, they alone can change who they are,

    I am certainly not the final word, but my opininion aligns with your husband. When our kids are minors, I feel we should put them first. But as we hit our 50s and our hids hit their 20s, I feel it is time to put our lives first and to enjoy life with our SO and family and friends who are able to enjoy life with us, not just cause stress.

    I am so sorry you hurt. Hugs for your heart. And I hate using my tablet to respond. Hope its readable ;)
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
  3. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member


    I'm sorry you had to see that, but I truly believe it's really in your son's choice to change.

    Nothing you've done, or can do, can make it better for him. There are lots of places available to him once he really decides to live differently. He's not stealing, getting arrested, etc. because he's not living under your roof. He is choosing this path knowing it's wrong. It's not survival for him, it's a refusal to do it any other way than what he wants to do.

    I wish we could do it for them...

    Stay strong ((hugs))
  4. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank both of you for your replies.....when I saw his picture on the sheriff website, I lost it. I want to take him in my arms and hug him tight and tell him it will be I did when he was little. I am glad he is off the streets but I still feel so anxious and sad. I know he will get prison time and will talk with my therapist about what visitations n. I just don't think I can go see my son behind bars. Just don't think I am strong enough. Just have to wait and see. I haven't had any contact with him and don't want him to think I don't love him. Pl Ashe keep us in your prayers
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, OG

    Where have you been? Haven't seen you in a while!

    Glad you are back!

    Sorry to hear that your son is still on drugs. There is nothing you can do for him. Sadly, maybe jail would be the best place for him. At least he wouldn't be using drugs, and he would be eating regularly. It may be a relief to you.

    Stay with us.

  6. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Apple. You are right about him eating regularly and hopefully being off drugs. Maybe this will be positive for him. Thank you all for supporting me, it has been a life saver.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know that sometimes when I look at my kids, I don't see them as adults, but as the little boy or girl they used to be. When I look at my granddaughter, I think of Princess and then I look at Princess and wonder how she got so tall and turned into a woman.

    I think it is very important to always remember that our adult kids are not little girls and boys anymore or else we lose our perspective. I want to shield my kids from every bump in life, but I know that isn't good for them. When you do see your son, and don't go until you are strong enough, remember that he is a man, not a child.Being a man, the bad stuff can't be hugged away by mom. Little things, like a fight with a girlfriend, sure, but not the big stuff. They have to bear it as men and women and we have to give them our belief in them.

    Hugs and hoping it turns him around.
  8. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you is so hard but I know I have got to be strong. Thanks for your kind words
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It is hard seeing our kids in jail.... so yes decide what you can and cant do. Certainly going to see him would be a supportive thing to do.... but it will be hard and you want to be in a place where you can do it. See if the prison or jail has any kind of website with guidelines about canteen and what you can or cant send him. I know when my son was in jail I oould send letters but the only way to send books was through a bookseller such as amazon... I could not send him anything other than letters in the mail. So check on their rules before sending him anything.

    One good thing about jail for my son was he got back to reading..., because there wasnt much else to do!
  10. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    I was optimistic about him being in jail...thought this was the beginning for him to maybe make some changes in his life. I just checked online and found out he was released today! He is back out on the streets. What is wrong with the judicial system? He has felony warrants but just released him. I can't believe it. Now...I am back to worrying about him having a place to sleep and if he has food...ugh
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I am sorry..... I know the first time my son was in jail, I thought that was almost the worst thing a mother could go through.... and then when my son was on the streets that was much much worse. The next time he was in jail I was relieved because he had a place to sleep and food to eat.

    I will say they do find ways to survive.... I know my son did. He found ways to get food etc. I cant imagine living on the street but he did it for several months in the middle of winter so they do find ways.
  12. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thanks TL.... I am just so tired of trying to be strong. I miss my son. After seeing his picture, I have gotten really depressed. I have no idea where he is and wouldn't be able to locate him if I needed to. I just ache in my heart to see him. Just don't know how to snap out of this.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is a big welcoming community on the streets and they will certainly advise him where to get food and sleep IF he is willing to follow the rules (they'll feed him regardless, but sleeping...he has to be there at a certain time...and no drugs). But he probably already knows the ropes. When an addict is using, they don't eat much anyway. My daughter looked like a stick and she is not naturally skinny like that. She didn't eat and speed takes the weight off.

    I wish we had better access to help for our addicted loved ones. It stinks that we don't and I'm so sorry you are hurting.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Okie I know what you are going through. I've been there and it's not a good place to be.

    For me, every time my son has been locked up it actually gave me some peace as I knew he was eating three meals a day and had a warm bed to sleep in, also that he is forced to be sober.

    If only our mother's love could make everything okay for our DCs but it can't. They have to want to make the changes.

    As you said, you have done all you can for him. Now it's time to do all you can for yourself. Be good to yourself Okie Girl you deserve some peace and happiness.

    ((HUGS)) to you.............
  15. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you SWOT and Tanya......I'm just taking one day at a time. Hope he doesn't spend winter on the streets. Please keep us in your prayers.