Trying to figure this out

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Zone Defense, Apr 3, 2016.

  1. Zone Defense

    Zone Defense New Member

    I've been looking at this site for about 2 weeks. Decided to sign up this morning. I'm reaching out to every available resource to help my son who's gone missing again (which if I did it right, the signature part of this will tell about him) I'm hoping this is a place that well help ME. Even just reading a post this morning about how we are not bad parents has helped me feel a bit better, because some days it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything right.
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome @Zone Defense

    I can relate to your situation. It's scary when you child decides to go missing. My daughter did that a few times when she was a teen. That was a very difficult time for me. That's also when I stumbled upon this community.

    Hopefully others will come along to offer you their support. You are not alone.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi hon. Which child is this?

    Does this child see a psychiatrist? Sounds like his father had serious mental health problems. They can be inherited, but they can also be treated. Dont wait until this child is eighteen!!!

    Of course you are a good mother. Even good mothers have confused emotions and dont know what to do when we find outselves raising a differently wired young person. No parent handbooks for this!!
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  4. Zone Defense

    Zone Defense New Member

    Thanks! This is child #2 that is having all of the problems. He does see a psychiatrist, a therapist weekly, a cprc worker weekly (can't remember what that stands for, but basically a psychiatric resource person through the mental health clinic), and he and my other children have had extensive grief counseling. The only thing they've considered giving him is a low dose of celexa. He is a drug seeker so they are cautious about prescribing medications. The celexa didn't help one bit.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you feel badly and your son is still in rebellion or grief or anger mode. Look, you are doing so much to help your son cope that I crown you Mother of The Decade. Seriously, you are doing all you can. At sixteen it is also up to your son to use the vast resources he has. He has a lot to overcome. Praying he will overcome his issues.
    I personally think you should take some time to try to learn to take care of yourself. A therapist to help you deal in a sane way with your family problems could help a lot. Mine was invaluable.

    in my opinion you need to take time to reboot your feelings and emotions. Keep posting. We care.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome.

    I have less advice for the child who brought you here - but it sounds like he got the short end of the genetics stick. Bi-polar and schizophrenia are not usually diagnosed this young - and it's an uphill battle to find psychiatrists who will even consider it - but medication as early as possible is VITAL.

    However, I'm concerned about this one: (from your sig)
    Child #3 (daughter): 12, Musician, artist, gamer. Angry, scared and confused. Is much like #2 emotionally, hoping she can steer clear of the mess. She tries to help with the other kids when things get tough. Also has ODD, anxiety, depression.
    She is young enough to make a difference. And most of this applies to the ones younger than her also, but she is at a critical crossroads. Age 12. Puberty. Heading soon into high school. NOW is when you need to be dealing with the "angry", the "scared", and the "confused". It's way more than grief. You will have no idea what her brother has put her through. Don't bother asking - she won't tell you.

    What you CAN do is get her involved in activities that consume her - that feed HER healthy passions. Art and music MIGHT be part of that. Having significant time alone with you engaged in a mutually-enjoyable activity is essential. And yes, I get it... you have a big family, and you can't really take time away from THEM, just for HER. But you need somehow to be doing this for each of the kids - even the most difficult one, if you can. Do you have access to understanding and supportive extended family? They can help look after some of the others while you give attention to one kid at a time - and they can also be taking on their own projects with each of these kids (maybe with the exception of the 16yo...) Somehow, each of the not-yet-in-trouble kids needs to have anchors and healthy pathways and good communication going, in an effort to protect them from damage as much as possible.
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  8. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Welcome, Zone Defense. Sounds like you have had a tough road all of these years, but from your words, I'm certain you are doing the absolute best you can to help all the children in your family. I hope your son reappears soon. :grouphug:
  9. Zone Defense

    Zone Defense New Member

    Thank you to all. Today has been busy. I went to the schedule drug and alcohol evaluation at rehab for child #2, he didn't show but I put a plan into action. We are going to get him in an out of town rehab to try to further remove him from his contacts. Also drastically reduces the ability for him to run away from there. The cprc worker met me to do this. He also went with me to the juvenile office to try to get their help. I contacted children's division of social services, waiting on a call back.

    As for child #3, we have an appointment to get a cprc worker for her a as well. She is also apart of the big brothers and big sisters program and her "big" is helping to be a person she can lean on.

    I also have a list of several therapists for myself.

    Thank you for your support.
  10. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, zone defense. My husband died by suicide 5 years ago. My son has always struggled with anger over the estranged/strange relationship that he had with his father. My late husband did not connect well with either child, and I think both felt the distance and reacted to it.

    Ferb was diagnosed with ODD at age 4. Parenting him has been extremely difficult, but lately he has been making better choices.

    I'm so sorry son #2 is missing. Does he get along with your SO? Both of mine have a great deal of difficulty accepting my SO's place in our lives. There was a day last week when it seemed like all day long there was nothing but arguments over petty things, first at work and then at home. Has your son been missing school since he's been missing? Is he giving up on his classes? I understand you wanting him to go to rehab, but I don't know how successful you will be forcing him to go.
  11. Zone Defense

    Zone Defense New Member

    Hi. No #2 does not get along with my SO at all. I think at one time he wanted to like my SO but felt like he was betraying his dad by liking him. Now #2 doesn't like anyone but his derelict friends.
    He has not been to school since he's been missing because he was suspended for being high at school!!! It seems like he's totally given up, which is a shame. He's super smart. If only he'd use his powers for good.
    I realize that drug treatment may not help him at this point since he doesn't want help. But it will give a reprieve from the insanity for the rest of our family. He will be somewhere safe and sober. We will have 2 months of calm. It's the best way I know to look out for everyone concerned. And maybe, just maybe, something will click this time.
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    You're doing the best you can do with a tough situation. I agree that #2 should not be allowed to drag the rest of the family into the toilet with him. I suspect he is idolizing his deceased father. You and SO might have been able to reach him emotionally if he hadn't turned to substance abuse. With that choice, he isn't thinking clearly and nothing you say is likely to get through.

    I find that it is truly difficult to get my kids to talk about their father. My daughter only remembers "crazy Daddy." My son doesn't like to talk about him, but I occasionally force the issue. The turning point for my son seemed to be when he realized that his anger was out of control, and he asked to see an anger management therapist. Fortunately for my son, it was his friends who demanded that he do that. If his friends had been talking him into drinking and drugging, I'd be right where you are.

    I'm sorry #2 son is so hurt. I hope being sober for awhile gives him a different perspective. He deserves so much better than this path of self-destruction. :(

    He's is lucky to have a warrior mom in his corner, no matter how mad he is at you now. :warrior:
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome! My son started going downhill when puberty hit at around age 15. He is now almost 21 and it has been a very long and hard five years for all of us. I had him in his first rehab at 15 for marijuana because he got expelled from high school for it for 2 years when he was only a sophomore. I didn't know what else to do and thought it was a quick fix!! The school was way too hard on him because he wouldn't talk (which they took as him not cooperating) which I later found out was because he said he was terrified and then was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Then he abused his benzos which I had no clue about - didn't know they were addictive/could be abused. I felt like I had been hit by a train. Boy have I learned a lot!

    Did you find out where your son is? Did you call the police and report him as a runaway?

    My son came home after his first two rehabs which turned out to be a mistake but he was a minor then. This last time we sent him away and so far it is seems to be working. He is older than your son so needs to finally grow up and sink or swim.

    You have a lot on your plate. You will get great advice on this forum. This forum has helped me (and my husband) deal with all this so much better and not feel like such failures as parents. I'm learning self-compassion. Good luck and be good to yourself.
  14. Zone Defense

    Zone Defense New Member

    I did find him.... when he was arrested for stealing alcohol!!!! I report him as a runaway each time, so I have a paper trail. He is currently in acute care at a behavioral health facility and I'm looking to hey him into rehab... again.

    This is all so horribly exhausting!
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Exhausting is an understatement and no one understands what it's like unless they have been through it. That is why I'm so thankful I found this forum. It helps more than any therapy I've had that's for sure.
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    And it's free! :musicdance: