Trying to find peace...but it was short lived...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    yesterday I made a list of things I would do, to change how I feel. I have been overwhelmed with issues regarding both our DDs. bOth of which are now Difficult Child. I haven't changed my signature, but both are Difficult Child, believe me!

    I visited the local senior center, a very well ran organization that offers free yoga, tai chi and one other type of exercise. I enjoyed my first class! Came home, had a healthy snack. Then did a 30 minute segment of cleaning (which I also added to my list of things that would make me feel better)

    Then, since there has been some drama with the youngest one, I checked her texting, which I found out I could do a month or so ago when she took off for an evening and wouldn't answer the phone. Oh my, there went my inner peace. I know it isnt good that I see things she thinks are private, but I am so afraid she will do something really stupid...and I was right.
    1. Old boyfriend texting and calling, and there is a court order against it (against him, not her)
    2. Old boyfriend has left bruises on her arm when he is angry and doesn't want her to leave.
    3. She told another friend that he gets verbally abusive and demands sex, and she is scared to say no.
    4. She got upset and took some type of pills and then was sick for three days and missed school
    5. She tells friends she was drinking when spending the night at my sons house, her biodad. But when I talked to him, he says he has only one bottle of booze at his house, and he can't see that any is missing.
    6. Sent texts to three people when she spent night at dads house, seeing if they would pick her up after he had fallen asleep. Luckily, no one did...but one is a 20/21 yo college student in a nearby town that she has been texting! The other was a teen from high school that was smoking weed while talking to her...
    7. Talking to a new guy (at least trying to move on from old boyfriend) and he straight out asked her if she just wanted to f*** or just hang out.

    And more... I am just so sad and disgusted. She has an appointment with her psychologist on Thursday... I had hoped things were better, as she actually talked to me some the past few days, about trying to move on from old boyfriend. Admitted that he talked her in to giving him all her money, from Christmas gifts and chores. Probably $300, half of that to help bail him out of jail, and the rest in $20 increments probably for drugs, or to pay people back for past drugs.

    I know it has come to the point that I need to let her know that I know...and that is going to cause a huge problem in our relationship. I really didn't do this just to be sneaky, but to try and keep her from being hurt and used. I don't know how many nights I have sat in the living room, so I could hear footsteps, if she tried to sneak out.

    I am scared for her because she has lots of social anxiety, which can incapacitate her. The last three years, she has hidden in the school bathroom at times instead of going to class. She has cut, but not for several months. She is vulnerable in that she can't say no to people...

    After all I have been thru with older Difficult Child, I don't think I can do this for 2 more years...

  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs, KSM. I don't know what else to say. I know the whole "we can't just keep doing this for x more years"... and I'm not in as much direct stress as you are.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    There are so many days I just sit at home, practically paralyzed with fear. I don't enjoy being around people any more. I just sit here and worry, trying to figure out if I should show the texts to his probation officer...because I know he could spend 60 days in jail for breaking g the court order. But Difficult Child would just blame herself for his gettingin trouble. 5 days ago, I texted this guys mom, and told her I really wasn't trying to get her son in trouble, but he was using her phone to contact my daughter. I guess his phone needs repairs, and after she gets home from work, she knows he is using her phone. She checked the history, she saw it, but also tries to shift some of the blame on my daughter. Which I agreed, she has not handled this in the right way. But she is 15, he is 18. He actually called her in the middle of the night bragging about his new girlfriend, who is allowed to spend the night at his moms house, with him, who works, who has money... Then the next day, berates my daughter for hanging out with a friend and two guys who are classmates.

    I have 62 pages of incriminating texts...and I am itching to use them. His probation officer said to bring them in when I am ready to do this. But I am worried about our safety...

  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There is no easy answer, and no right answer.
    Sometimes it seems like there isn't even a "less wrong" answer - we are on the losing end no matter what we choose.
  5. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    For what it's worth, just my opinion, but if it were me I would absolutely violate him. She is 15, with self esteem issues, she is vulnerable and he is a grown man taking advantage of her. He is abusive. He has already left bruises on her. What is next? I would rather have her hate me than be killed by some maniac in a meth rage.

    I would go to the police for violation of the no contact order before I let her her know that I was aware of what was going on so that she didn't have time to tip him off and him take it out on her.

    Do you go to therapy sessions with her? I might use that time to confront her with the texts. Kind of a neutral place with a moderator, so to speak.

    If you haven't yet, I would also consider putting her on a reliable form of birth control like nexplanon.

    I love yoga. It is such a great stress reducer. I have the Amazon TV Fire stick and I have downloaded a yoga program onto that I can do at home.
  6. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    If this was my minor daughter, I would do anything to protect her...even from herself. If I already had a restraining order against someone who was hurting my daughter, and he was continuing to hurt and mistreat her, I would take whatever advantage I had to send his butt away, especially since his parents have no influence on him. Ignoring the problem only enables it.

    Install a house alarm and do not give her the code or maybe have a second code for night time. This is an advantage for both of you. It keeps her inside, so you don't have to worry about her sneaking out, and it gives her an excuse not to sneak out because she can't say no. It also helps protect you from him.

    I'm sorry if I sound blunt. I know this is hard on you, but she's 15 and a minor, and she needs you to step in and handle this. If you handle it, she might get mad, but deep down she will know you care about her. If you do nothing, the she might think you don't care at all.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The main reason I have not gone to the probation officer is that they are broken up and she is moving on. I can tell from her texts that she is now talking to a couple guy friends. I am afraid if I report it, she will feel so guilty that she will try to make it up to him. The couple times he has contacted her now is to brag about his new girl friend...or call her a slut for being with other friends.

    She is starting to confide in me about what has happenened in the past. The no contact order is not because I instigated it, it is because a month ago I called the police as she didn't come home (it was only 9pm but she wouldn't answer her phone). Because of that incident, his probation officer added the no contact order. Ironically, during this time, I saw his moms name in the paper for supplying minors with alcohol. $500 fine and $76 court costs.

    If she was contacting him and still being manipulated, I would contact the police. But she is moving on.

    The plan is to talk together at the psychologist appoint this week, if she doesn't open up about these issues at the appointment, the psychologist will bring me in to the appointment.

    Difficult Child has told me that she had been at his moms house (quite some time ago-before I knew of these issues) when he and his friends all had handguns... So if this relationship has died a natural death, I don't want to be throwing gasoline on a fire. I really don't know what he might do.

  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    ...but, from what you describe the relationship is not over. She is still communicating with him, and he IS violating the no contact order by calling/texting her.

    She is still being manipulated by him, she still feels controlled by him. She is telling you the relationship is over and she is moving on, but she is still accepting his calls and texts and talking to him. When someone is done with a relationship they block the calls/texts and they don't engage. She may be trying to move on, she may still want to be with him, but is keeping other irons in the fire, she may just be telling you what you want to hear. I don't know the age of consent in you state, but I would be pressing charges for that, too.

    Either way, this is a dangerous person. He is intimidating to her, verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive. He abuses a drug that causes psychosis and anger AND he has guns. If she wants to break free of him it will be real easy to do while he is in jail. I'd make sure he was locked up as long as possible.

    This man is dangerous. Again, I would rather her hate me than harmed by this man. This is an abusive relationship. We all know the statistics on that.

    I would hound the police until he is in custody.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, because nothing has actually "happened" to this girl, the police can't do very much about keeping him in custody.

    There is no simple answer, and I think KSM is wise to use her head in this situation.
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    There is a no contact order. He has violated it by texting and calling, that is enough to have him taken into custody.

    In addition the child has bruises on her arm where he grabbed her. Something HAS happened. We all know that domestic violence just escalates.

    Again, I don't know the age of consent in her state, but she also has written proof that they are intimately involved, that, too may be against the law.

    Of course, it is my opinion only, but to me this sounds like a situation (meth, abuse, anger, guns) that has the very real potential to become tragic. I would do everything I could do to protect my child.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am curious as to why daughter didn't erase the texts..... Or do you have an app that gets them, too? Sorry tech challenged. I understand your fears KSM, sounds like scary people. But.......the other side of the coin is that this creep may become more brazen? I know that these abusive men become more dangerous when the victim moves on. Sorry, more to throw in the mix. Since you have spoken with the probation officer, maybe you can run your fears by him and see what he says (if you haven't already).
    So sorry for all of this.
    Why are our d cs attracted to these men? Ugh.
    I am glad she is trying to move on. I hope the psychologist appointment goes well. Hang in there dear!
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I really am trying to do the safest thing I can do. Age of consent in our state is 16. She is 15. Had sex with XBF at 14. When picked up by police at 14 for running away she admitted sexual relations with him. Police did nothing. That was Jan 2015. She deflected the situation on herself, threatened self harm, went to juvenile facility for three days. Then 5 months later, snuck out to see him, we found out she was gone. Called police. He helped hide her for 3 days. She Got 6 months court services. And 6 months no contact order. It was dismissed in Jan 2016 and she completed the requirements.. But dropped it after 6 months. In February, they started communicating again, but I wasn't aware. In early March, 2016 is when I called the police and they found her at his moms home. The police just brought her home. But, his probation officer was notified, and he added the no contact order as part of his probation. I did talk to PO, and he is willing to take my information to the judge...but if I do, xbf will know that it is me, and the info came from DDs phone, and he will blame her.

    And that is the quandary...I would love for him to have jail time. He could get up to 60 days. I am guessing he will get less, or just a slap on the hand. He lives 8 blocks from us.

    It is not easy to protect someone who doesn't want protection, and will never admit to the authorities what has happened.

    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely right Ksm. Sorry for the added questions.
    We have a drug house in our neighborhood and nobody wants to mess with these people, even the police. I know you have done everything possible. I know the feeling too, when Tornado was 13, she had a 21 year old preying on her. It was her, too but she was so young and the police said they couldn't do anything. Frustrating....... I hope your girl will be repulsed by his texts and want better for herself. Fingers, toes and everything crossable crossed.
    Big hugs to you.
    And sighs.
    And mom of the century award.

  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    All of this is true.
    But the other very real danger is that by revealing what she knows, KSM will cause this girl to "clam up" - and not talk to either ksm or the therapist. The most important single thing is to keep this kid talking.

    It's a really fine line sometimes. And most of the time, in situations like this, all we really have to go on is our own gut instinct.
  15. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    ksm, I have little confidence in the police. Plus, a sixty day sentence would be only enough to get this jerk broiling mad. My ex-husband, a meth addict and stalker, is still checking up on me 20 years after the divorce and both of us remarried. I understand your position.