trying to get her to see her obsessive ways

[Jena]

hi good morning to everyone,

oh this morning was so insane. my little one got crazy and obsessed about wanting to use computer for about an hour. my older one was on it, she didn't want her on it and started to throw her fit. i didn't sleep well last night and have other stresses so it's hard for me to be calm. when she obsesses she doesnt' care where i am she'll break down a bathroom door if necessary. i dont' give into the behavior but sometimes i just want to scream. i really do. so after about an hr. of not giving in to her and listening to her freaking out. i sat her down and started talking to her about trying to realize what it is she does. she looked at me like i had four heads, then said to me idont care i wnat to go on computer.......LOL....ok this has been a long weekend. there's alot to my story of which i didn't initially share so bare with me while i have some spillage. past year and a half i feel like i can't feel the ground under my feet. my oldest got kicked out of school was in specialized scholar's program gpa dropped she got booted. i didn't know what else to do i moved out to long island with both girls. thinking maybe the change of scenery new schools would do them both good and help calm my little one. it didn't. she worsened i began testing her because she thoguht she saw man in schoolyard with a knife trying to hurt her, cops were called, etc. two days in row. i always knew i had to test her but said i'll wait till school seriously affected, now it had been. we went to varoius testing facilities and got diff. diagnosis and diff. drugs. i cut my work hours down thinking that would help her me being more accesible for her. i drove an hour ea. day to office worked like animal and raced home on highway doing 80 mph to be there for bus. it worsened, i felt desperate started running out of money, making bills got hard, buying food was struggle yet i kept going. then went to pediatrician. pysch in city was out of network cost a fortune, started running up medical bills, hours cut more doctors wrote ltr to my office stating due to rin's condition i needed to be home more. i started having anxiety attacks myself from what she was gong through, all the while older one started failing school. i was dating someone at timefor roughly two years the relationship wasn't progressing but he was my best friend, our kids were friends, my kids viewed relationship as a friendship i have alot of friends both male and female. things began to get very desperate he had to lend me money for food one week, i went to social security trying to get it i was denied get too much child support, begged my ex to help me take days off he couldn't i was going down. i broke off my relationship with person my best friend due to fact it hadn't moved forward he seemed scared i was going down and he had his own stresses which were stressing me out. i cut the relationship kept the friendship still have it actually, he's my voice of reason in times of trouble. mos. passed rin kept getting worse i felt confused tried diff. medications' pressure at work, financial pressure. went out with friend one night for few drinks, met this man we began to talk exchange numbers, boom we started dating. i was under enormous stress emotional, financial, family issues, etc. our relationship went into worp speed, my judgement was off. mos. passed again, i paid partial rent with-letter from my attny friend promising bal. in following mos. they filed petition took me to court slapped on 2k in legal fees and i was in trouble officially. i got 30 dy stay it had finally happened i'd lost it all. my family well their not rich but they weren't willing to help, i didnt'know what to do tried everything nothing worked. he found out what was going on and offered help, not financial but us to move in with him. i was scared and needed a solution. i took it. so my girls and i moved in with him 8 mos. ago. that's my story. very dramatic i know and ridiculous. yet i lost it all we had to get rid of our pets, my furniture everything. his children are wonderful, our kids get along yet he has given me some much stress. he owns rest. so isn't home much. yet he was married for 18 years his wife decided she was gay one day and poof marriage over. i moved in here and he was messing around with another woman via text i caught it by accident, his ex gave me terribly hard time whie i was trying to be the best i could to everyone. i felt weird but was so grateful to him for taking us in. he continued to flirt with and say in appropriate things to this other woman via text. i confronted him asked him to stop he was involved with her at one piont yet they have kniown eachother for 20 years. so now i' m here he's still texting her and lying about it. i still have my best friend thank god for him, the man i
'm probably supposed to be with. i want to go out on our own i don't think i can handle being lied to like this all the time, it't not right. i do love him, but it's jsut insane. so i'm being told change for my little one is bad. i'm afraid to leave because of this. i'm confused adn dont know what to do. financially i'm better here obviously no bills other than medical i'm paying down and buying food, etc. yet the relationship isn't right because i'm with a liar who tries to be supportive of me and this thing with my daughter yet gives me addtl. stress due to his unhealthy attachment with this other woman.

ok i feel better now. yup my life is scarey i know. sorry so long and mixed up just had to get it out. rin set me off today because of her fit this morning the days are so long soemtimes because she's so needy i can't even go to bathroom soom days witout getting continual knocks on door.

jen

 

[smallworld]

Jennifer, you have a very full plate. I'm really sorry.

In terms of your living situation, can you afford to go out on your own? Do you have any friends or family who can take you in? It sounds as if the current living situation is not healthy for you, and it's making it hard for you to concentrate on your girls, which is honestly what you need to do right now.

About your older daughter, has she ever had an evaluation? Does she have a diagnosis? Do you have any idea why she's failing school?

About your younger daughter, she may be having hallucinations (seeing the man in the schoolyard). This is a very serious condition that needs treatment immediately. Hallucinations can make a child very anxious, obsessive and clingy (as you're seeing). It is part of the disorder. If she's having hallucinations, you have no idea what she's seeing or hearing that she's reacting to. Abilify can treat hallucinations and anxiety, but it may not be the right medication or the right dose for your daughter. She may need a higher dose or a different aytpical antipsychotic altogether. Have you told the psychiatrist about what she was seeing in the schoolyard? This is a very important clue to what may be going on with your daughter.

Hugs going out to you today.

 

[daralex]

Ok! Hi and welcome!
I have several questions and hopefully some viable suggestions. GET OUT!! I grew up on long island, am now in South Carolina and will be moving back to Long Island in a few months (maybe we could go to lunch!) I know how expensive things are there, but the situation you're in is not healthy for your or the girls, you need some time to be alone and time for them to have more stability. Look in the paper and on craig's list for a cheaper place to be - maybe even with a female roomate. I don't know where you are on the island, but Huntington is a little cheaper at this time from what I gather (I'm looking to move to Northport) My brother happens to be the head of the psychiatric dept. in Islip School district (another cheaper pace to be) If you're in that area the schools can be a great support system. This guy was nice to take you in, but you need to get off the rollercoaster. Focus in on the kids and what their needs are at the moment (it will take you're mind of of you for the moment). Has your difficult child (gift from God) been diagnosed? Use the school to your full benefit and have her tested (they have to do it at their expense not yours). Find another job if this one isn't working for you (again - craig's list is a great resource there) Look for better pay, hours, benefits, shift - whatever it is you need at the moment (I know easier done than said) If you feel something is not quite right with your difficult child she needs to be tested so you know what you are dealing with and the best route to take for her and in turn for you. Change is only bad for your difficult child if you move into another unstable situation. Goiod change is a good thing. And just when you think you are going to lose it remeber this - if a man yells in the woods and there is no woman to hear him - is he still wrong!!!!!!!! PLease keep us updated!!!
-dara

 

[Jena]

Hi,

Thanks for response. My family couldnt' take me in, they didn't offer when I lost it all. hence i'm here. She my little one i am in the process of having her diagnosed, rather evaluated again. the school yard thing was isolated incident. hasn't happened again yet she's very obsessive today, my older one can't handle it so if i'm the bathroom or step away for a second things get out of control. My older one is having problems accepting hwat is wrong with her, she is stressed. she's only failing school because she doesnt "apply herself" classic line. she's good kid, really good adn i'm lucky.

in regards to little one i'm still searching for hospitals maybe partial hospitalization. there are truly days that she is ok then there are days she isn't. Yet time is of essence i think becasue she needs to be properly diagnosed before the onset of puberty where i'm expecting it will most likely fly out of control.

luckily for me i'm able to shut people and stuff off and shelf things. I have spoken my mind to my boyfriend, explained how I feel, and shelfed it. Funny thing is the woman he texts contacted me to assure me it's just a friendship and she apologized forthe inappropriate texts. i feel like i'm 18. yet he lies and should not and there in lies my issue with him as a man and person in my life. he is good to my kids, he's yelled at me a few times infront of them when we disagreed about something which I found very inappropriate and he apologized repeatedly.

my job is wonderful i;ve been there for years am a para and they are very supportive of what we are going through. my focus is solely on my girls. my little one mainly to properly diagnosis hopefully soon. her pediatrician pysch suggested full evaluation psyhol and pysch. neuro psychiatric also. my older one setting up mtgs. to handle her failing grades, get some sort of plan into place to help her.

the girls my older one would be nothign but totally happy if we remained here, and him and i were happy. yet i'm such a "real" person. I believe honesty is key, without trust one cannot have a lasting loving and supportive relationship.

my credit's shot now because i banged out whatever credit i had last year to keep up with mos. expenses. so until i get score up i'm here no one will rent to me i've tried already. i'm afraid a little of going on own. i know my little one will miss his kids, their here two days a week. i dont' want her to miss anything or have to re adjust when she can't adjust through her days. she's already flipped out twice today so i'm already done. my older one flipped out because she said she can't handle it anymore. i try to get her to realize what's going on with rin but her patience is non existant.

thanks for the support.
that was scarey admitting what's gone on in my life

Jen

 

[Star*]

Hi and welcome to the board.

WoW - what a web! The first thing I think you need to do if possible is realize how lucky you are to have your health, girls, and while it's not the best roof - a roof over your heads.
Sometimes I think when everything feels like it's going in the toilet - we tend to overlook that fact that we do HAVE somethings to work with.

That being said - and take it from someone who knows - You need a friend. To have a friend you have to be a friend and right now - you have SO many worries on your plate - I would venture to say you don't even feel like you're good company for yourself. By friend I mean Not a man, not a buddy- a friend. From what I read in your post - YOU are killing yourself trying to make EVERYTHING in your life fit into the round hole with square pegs. Accept first that your life is what it is. My idea and the picture of what I WANTED in life were totally different that what I HAD - and the harder I tried to cut/whittle/and form everyone into the mold I thought they needed to be in - the harder and longer my days became. And in order to stop it - you need some help. Not the friend - a therapist. Mental health offices are in every county. They take you on a sliding scale fee, and some visits are only $3/week. WHen I got to where you were? I went to see a therapist. I had NO money - I had NO life - and my x was doing drugs, sleeping around and beating me. You CAN do it - you just have to want the help more than you want trying to make your perceptions of life - fit.

I'm not saying this to you at all to be mean. But once I started working on MYSELF - it became easier to see that I COULD leave an abusive relationship with a child, I COULD plan with a local womens shelter how to get on my own, I COULD access public welfare system for a temporary while to get housing and clothes, and things myself and my son needed. Basically - I learned how to live below my dreams but above the abuse and chaos. It took time, but in three years - without a DIME to my name when I left - I managed to buy a house, keep a second hand vehicle - pay off my x's debts - and pay for my own divorce. ALL while trying to get my out of control kid some help and keep my nose above water. I never had anyone send me or offer me a dime. (Just so you know)

I think your life is spiraling out of control. If you are living with a man that wants to date other women - let him. Move into the bedroom with your girls - sleep on the couch. He's going to do what he wants to do irregardless of how it makes you feel, and apparently you are so enmeshed you can't see that the situation you and your girls are in is only adding to the problem. If he wants to be room mates - let it be. YOU have so many other things to concentrate on right now. You need a way to get on your own. You need to KNOW that you CAN DO THIS without a boyfriend. Your daughter needs help - NOW. Not when she flips out again in school. BUT school can be a place to start getting some recommendations for help. And some answers.

I know the kind of tired you are. I know that there are days when you need to just scream - so do it. Get a pillow, shut the door and scream into the pillow. You need some support and you need to know that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! You may not have the life you picture in your mind (mine didn't seem unrealistic until I started to see everyone for what they were, myself included) and instead of settling - I made myself goals. Short attainable goals. I got in therapy, I learned how to de-stress, and become a better parent. I learned how to stand up to people and say NO I don't think you are going to do that to me anymore, and MEAN IT. It was not easy - and for a while for extra therapy I cleaned the office of my psychiatrist on my lunch hour from work. It wasn't what I was promised when I got married, and it certainly wasn't what I had in mind - for my life. Tough to swallow - but do-able.

I think you sound like a good hearted person. I think by coming here and seeking out help you are a smart person who cares about your kids. I wish you knew how close you are to doing all of what you need to do on your own. I dont' even know you and I believe you can.

Keep coming back here to the board - it's great support. Lots of seasoned warrior moms, lots of divorced people, lot's of people who think in 1,000 different ways - one of us is bound to reach out and make you feel welcome. Some of us can make you think, some of us can make you realize things, some of us can make you laugh. All of us will give you a hug when you need to cry or vent.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life - what do you want to do with your life?

Many hugs -
Star

 

[Jena]

Hi,

Thanks for the response, i do appreciate the time to respond. I have a therapist began seeing them over a mos. ago. I also came in here for addtl. support.

Let me begin by saying for my to say all of that took alot, I"m embarrassed i lost it all even if it was to help my little girl. its not totally spiraling. i'm moving in an upward mobile position. i have set up mtgs. for older one to assist her in her school or lack of school work. i have called varoius hospitals and am searching for the best and most affordable evaluation. i have take work home to keep my job up to date so as not to loose that. i have friends yet aren't always able to get out bc i'm with the girls.

i am slowly paying off credit card debt to raise my score which would enable me to move, the whole run credit report thing.

so right now im diong everything right and everything in my power. without drugs i may add.....

so tempting though that xanax but i want full control over my mind.

i am not afraid of not having a "boyfriend" i am afraid of going on my own and loosing it all again depending on how she is.

that was something very very scarey.

as far as the man is concerned he lies alot, about alot of stuff. yet cooks, and is good to kids, and tries to be there for me when i need to vent, etc. says he loves me, to trust him blah, blah, blah. i do not. and will not he has taught me not to.

i do have alot on my plate, and yes he makes me stress worse. i understand and accpet the vision i have for m y life is not the reality in which is occuring.....LOL

my main goal right now is to stabilize my daughter, truly get an answere because do't feel that the bi polar is that. if so medication'sd would be helping she's still obsessing and anxiety ridden and paranoid. and helping my older one.

there are just days though that it's so hard to see the light at end of tunnel. i've actually had blurred vision due to the stress in which i have had.

so i try to eat right get alot of rest drink water take walks and yup i smoke way too much. try to keep myself sane so i can be there for them.

JEn

 

[daralex]

That's all any of us can do . Some days are better than others - but the bad ones seem to stand out more and **** the life out of you. Never be embarrased - we all go through times in life that feel overwhelming. Some chioces we make are better than others, but we still try just like you are doing, to do the best we can for the kids. I'm glad you are feeling like your rising up instead of being sucked downward. Hang in there!!!
-Dara

 

[Jena]

I'm honestly doing the best i can right now. When someone says i'm spiraling down i get scared. if i view it that way i will become immobilized and that's the last thing i want. some say i should be proud that i spent all my money depleted whatever savings i had, and basically lost it all and she's still not where she should be. i am very spirtual person and i believed that if i kept putting her first that everythign would balance out, guess i was wrong. LOL

anyway feel bad for oldest child she engaged wtih her sister not realizing what is truly going on. i have the insight enough now to see the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) moments and what looks like rage moments and how to cool her down. my older one is in denial regarding her sister and no matter what i say refusing to look at it for what it is, and exercise patience.

i would love nothing more than to be with girls in small little house ea. with their own room, a dog a simple life again. it's going to take alot of work to get there at this point. i have to figure out what's going on with her before i make a move. they do say change is very bad and i dont want to freak her out, yet being here is freaking me out most days than not. can't trust him as far as i can throw him (and he's a large man)..... LOL

anyway i feel bad for rin, just took her to park for little while she's exhausted i notice after she flips out it depeletes her.

i do breathing with her try logic touch her arms and try to calm her through touch. anyone have any other ideas. how do you bring your child out of their obsessive moments. when logic just doens't work?

thanks again to all. i guess i'm just embarrassed that i threw such caution to the wind by going to all the best doctor's and loosing it all, hence we're still having problems.

jen

 

[Jena]

Star:

I had to go back and re read your msg. You are quite an amazing person with whom really did do it on your own under far worse circumstances than I. Yes I know its all relative but you dealt with alot.

I'm glad that you survived, made it to where you are and are able to guide others now due to your inner strength and desire to improve your life.

I have all those same emotions, my children are everything. without them i would be lost, they know that.

i only did what i did because i was out of options, out of money and literally would of been in shelter with them, and my little one truly flipping out. I've been working very closely with the teacher, and school pyschologist as well as her new pediatrician pysch. who feels that she now needs a new complete re evaluation from a-z.

i get the comment regarding the pegs thing. i do that with him i think. he displays certain behaviors and i expect to change them. classic. even if it lying. i do not think he is dating other people, is actually pushing me to marry him of which i will not do. i can't spend my life with someone who lies to me and even yelled at me this morning over a simple topic because he always has to be right adn sometimes looses his cool. which i told him is not the right setting for my daughter to be in.

i do have moments though where i do feel hopeless they hit i try not to get stuck in them and then i move ahead with my day. i take the good moments when they come and try to bear the bad ones' when they hit. just feels like so much sometimes my head actually feels cloudy......lol

anyway i'm just not sure of how to transition this move. i'm working with my therapist on it. the best way possible to handle it for kids. i have work to do before i'm ready to fly. my friends are so afraid they know it's difficult for me to make it to office and make money when she has rough days i miss the early trains and get to work so so late. they feel like here i am safe financially. i've never been type of woman to be with person for financial gain. i'm a target type of woman.

just know in my heart if someone can lie so early on what's going to happen in years down road when the relationship gets stale and boring??? sheesh don't wana know.

as far as the little one is concerned i'm thinking partial hospitalization. i'm afraid of the pre-puberty years and what will go on with her then so i'm trying to move as quickly as possible now. the abilify seems to be helping somewhat yet she still does the obsessing thing gets pretty angry also at times, germs etc always an issue and ofcourse the daily anxiety which is almost debilitating for her at times. school and ihave now got her down to 3 visits to nurse per day. she was asking to go 30-40 times a day always wants to take her temperature to make sure she is ok her chest hurts, can't eat. etc.

anyway i see your point. i truly am doing best i can. the peg thing stuck in my head though.

thanks for making me think

jen

 

[Star*]

Jennifer,

Some times peg pushers recognize each other! lol. At one point in my life if I would have thought carving the family with a chain saw to get them to FIT into MY molds would have worked I would have gotten safety glasses and a log splitter!

You ARE very wise to NOT marry this man. Not him or ANY OTHER man until you can wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say "Star, you des....I mean Jennifer YOU deserve the best, you deserve to be cherished, you deserve friends and acquaintences around you that will not lie, have your best interest at heart and the courage and wisdom to know the difference.' KNOWING and educating yourself (and I'll tell you why I concentrate on you) is the most important thing.

I believe you when you say you are doing your best, the best you can, and as far as anyone telling you you're spiraling out of control well DANG girl what do they want from you? Eesh!
And you smoke? Big fat hairy deal - you have other stress right now that is going to kill you quicker if you don't get some real help - but coming here - and smoking while you type IS LARGELY therapeutic. I stopped smoking - AFTER my son went in his 3rd or 4th Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - I just wanted to be around for him because I felt like I was ALL he had. Honestly - WHO ELSE would have him? (okay there's a lady here lol but not MY family, and I'd never want him to be with my x, and DF was too new to the picture) so that left me -

And a lot of times I took being divorced and on my own to mean that I could do it all - heck short of an invisible jet and a golden lasso I WAS wonder woman. And I'll tell you the life span of that super hero is 8.2 years. Then you stroke out, and have an epiphany - realize you can NO LONGER work 3 jobs, go to 3 counseling sessions, pay the bills, wash the laundry, bury a son, loose my father, feed the dog, get your kids to school, pick them up, deal with daycare, then take care of you DF who had an accident and became disabled.....so I gave up 1 job. And still was cleaning house, making breakfast, lunch diner -and all on about 4 hours sleep a day. I never got sick - I never had fun - I never did things for me - as that would be SELFISH when my kid needed so much and THEN find out that my x had ran up HUGE CREDIT debt in my name - AFTER we were separated - he got women to pose as me and ran up huge bills, and NEVER paid taxes in 13 years like he told me so the IRS had their hand out for $40k and I passed out in the IRS building.

After that - I researched credit repair and met with some experts. I found out how to REALLY budget my money, I mean - when I left my x I took my kid and we lived in a van - a van that was stolen and given to me by X in place of my car - It got more of our stuff out when I left him in a hurry. So - you know - where you are is NOT bad.

Tell yourself every day - I am not where I want to be - and I will get there. To have gone through what you already have gone through YOU are an amazing woman. To be able to put yourself on a back burner while you try to get help for your little girl is admirable - but....you need to take care of you because if you don't - who will take care of them? No one is going to go to the lengths you are going through now for them - not really. Only you. And you are strong, independent and working on being more independent, you just need help.

If you get to a point where the anxiety is too great - and you are having panic attacks - don't beat yourself up over getting on an anxiety medicine. I took 80 mg. of valium for 6 months - a year....and I hate drugs. But it wasn't taking drugs per se - it was helping me to be able to deal with the present and repair myself for the future. No shame in that ever.

As far as your little girl goes - the next time she rages - take her to the ER. They will /can give her a psychiatric evaluation and a caseworker can recommend she be held somewhere for a full pediatrician psychiatric evaluation. SHe has to be a danger to herself or others - hitting sisters, you or an animal counts. And if she IS BiPolar (BP) - then you'll deal with that too. Try posting a separate post from this one and LIST all the symptoms and behaviors you see with your daughter and call the post - something like WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THIS - then ask for suggestions because someone here is BOUND to see a pattern in your kid that they see in their own - and you can read up on it in the archives or on the web - and educate yourself about it. THen you'll be a step ahead for therapy and with the school

with-o a psychiatric diagnosis - it's hard to get services at the school - so call the district office and ask them to speak with the dr. in charge of ALL the schools in your area - and tell him/her what's going on and what help he/she can offer you. If that doesn't help - write your local congressmen, or the governor - and don't be quiet any longer - BE THE SQUEEKIEST WHEEL YOU CAN - no one else is going to squeek for your daughter - they'll give you and her the attention in the moment and then she's a file on a desk at the end of the week - And in the mean time - listen to your newest friends (when we say what we say it's because we have been there done that) and get yourself some peace.

I think you're doing really good - try the extra post - and see what comes of it - can't hurt.

Hugs
Star

 

[Jena]

oh my!! you have been through alot. amazing what we can withstand huh...?? i think that some days. i have no shame i've got xanax in my drawer ready to pop when needed......LOL......my life has always been an uphill battle not sure why, a few my bad decisions or best decisions i could make at the time, others well just other people's cra*. yup your right being here right now with roof over head isn't so bad. just remember our beautiful place the girls and i with our pets our little porch and it makes me sad that i lost it all and now i'm here. oh believe me i know i deserve the absolute best not to sound too cocky but i truly know that. so not into the torturious relationship stage any longer. yet i made a quick decision because i was under gun and truly didn't have any choices or at least didn't think i did at time. we've begun again a few times and so i wasn't expecting this. i guess we never do. your right i am the only one my families in denial and spends most of their time disagreeing and giving me stress, my ex well he makes an occassional phonoe call to see how she is other than his every other weekend he picks them up. yet he exhibits all the behaviors she has and doens't want to admit it. i guess i feel like life is getting shorter in a sense that i'm growing older and the time is now to seize the day so to speak. yet on the work front i can't make a play for a promotion due to fact my hours are so scattered due to corrine. so financially i'm stagnet. i really am afraid of going out on my own, loosing everything really hits you. didn't it freak you out especially in your situatoin. it didn't hitme right away until one morning i woke up and said oh wow it's all gone, totally gone our security was gone.

my kids want this to work so badly i know they do. i've had friends tell me it's time to sacrifice my happiness for kids and their stability. yet i cringe because to me honesty and trust are the foundation of any good relationship. i dont' even care if their not slping together, what matters to me are the flippant lies and the endless apologies. after what my own father did to me it took years of therapy and self help books in the library to get fully functional and know i deserve honest good love. yet i have fear of committment too. wow ok but this isn't about me, i'm issue packed.

i wnat the best for my girls both of them i want to know what's really going on wtih rin once and for all. abilify seems to be helping somewhat yet the rages i speak of i'm sure are minimal in comparison to what others go through. she yells hits a wall stomps those little feet and storms off once she's done. she wants off the medications she's tired of taking them she said it's not helping her anxiety or paranoia we boht agree it's helping her sleep though. plus shouldn't she be evaluated in her natural state not medicated? listening to you gives me hope by the way youve been through alot

thanks,
Jen