Trying to hang tough with- my toughest Cmas so far

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Dec 25, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I really am trying to stay so strong - I am just trying to stuff everything inside. (Of course, I have the added incentive to stuff because with mono, if I cry it, makes my eyes swell up and hurt for hours.)

    I was going to see Matt for Cmas, then I got sick, and he melted down, and everyone called it off. Fine, I can handle that. Well, in the meantime the program got annoyed at me and the ed cons for holding their feet to the fire on details not followed thru on. I.E., forgotten phone calls, etc.

    So in what appears as payback for holding them accountable, the program emailed me a series of mandates yesterday.
    I could not call Matt on Christmas, nor could anyone else in his family &
    I can no longer send presents to Matt. In fact they are sending back some of the ones I have sent.
    And some other ones that are too complicated to go into.
    The tone of the letter was cold and almost cruel. My mom read it and the ed cons read it, and they both were taken back. There was no apparent therapeutic reason listed for no Cmas phone calls, and it was worded in anger.

    So, anyway, for whatever reason, the no phone call thing sent me right on over to dark Christmas mode. I am alone with-out family in AZ. My only sister is dead, I can't even talk to my kid for 5 minutes on Christmas, my parents are in Oregon, all my friends except for one are with their family - and it just plain is sad. In fact it is downright not fair. Really, really not fair. To not let me talk to my kid on Cmas is cruel. Prisoners get one phone call, soldiers, etc. But not Matt? (OK, I can't cry, because red eyes, swollen eyes, bad.) I pray the dr and counselor who did this can't have peace this Cmas. I know that is bad, but they should feel convicted, as they sit around the fire with their happy little perfect families, all day long, knowing they denied, out of spite, a 5 minute interaction between the only family Matt and I have, each other.

    Matt's program and I have been going around and around for months. Slowly but surely they have extracted me completely from his life, with the threat that if I do not do what they say they will remove Matt from the program. Exact words. I feel like I am part of a mafia group. I am being bullied, and threatened, and if I don't do what they say, my kid is on the streets. They hate me, because I hold them accountable and they are too proud and egocentrically focused to want a parent or an ed cons meddling. So, now, I have completely backed out and I guess the ed cons has said he better as well. At least for now.

    I talked to the ed cons and he flat out told me Matt has no other choices. He is destructive to property, although never physically violent, and no other program that he knows of will take an aggressive 19 year old. So it is this program or the streets. Yet, again, I feel that this whole situation has forced me to submit to whatever anyone says - just so Matt can stay. And believe me this program knows the corner I am in, and they are just playing off of it.

    Anyway, I didn't mean to make this so long. I just am struggling, and yet I am trying so hard. I am taking the dogs to the beach for their Cmas present, and I am going over to my neighbors house for dinner. I am not sitting around the house depressed like I want to, so I really am trying. But I would trade a 5 minute phone call with going to the neighbors house in a millisecond - and that reality simply feels cruel and inhumane.

    I just hope my neighbor is not a butt tonight, of all nights. He is the one who said Matt just needs to man up and grow up and get over himself. Sigh. I know people just don't get it - but just today - I pray I find some compassion & mercy.

    Thank you so much for listening.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Are you sure you are ok to go to dinner with your mono? You don't want to expose the neighbors, or to make yourself more ill by overdoing.

    If you trust your ed cons that this is really Matt's last chance, put on a double layer of rhino suit and do what the program asks. Maybe next Christmas he'll be living in his own place if this year he can complete the program.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Steely, I'm so sorry you feel your back is against a wall. It is tough sometimes to bear the crosses that we carry for our difficult children. The choices they make place them into situations where consequences occur that are beyond our control. I miss the days when things were simpler and when they broke the "rules" a trip to the room for time out sufficed as a consequence. Unfortunately as they get older, more severe and permanent consequences come into play. My son has been out of my home this last time since Mother's Day. He is finally, after years of turmoil, beginning to get "it." He is much more respectful and much less verbally and physically violent (he too never was violent to people, just to property). Life has had to knock him down several time. And watching it broke my heart and left me in tears watching him struggle. But, I knew the struggle was necessary for growth. Again, this is not a result of what you have done, but the result of the choices Matt has made within the program. If he was working the program; his choices are affecting you, not the other way around. Hugs...and try to salvage some peace this season.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    PS Go to dinner with the neighbor, and make sure to drink from his cup---sounds like he might need to be knocked down with a little mono!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs, Steely. I wish I knew how to help. I hope you're able to have a calm and pleasant day in spite of everything going on.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry... I hope you can find some peace today and that the New Year is better for you than this year was.

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You're a MEAN lady!
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, these are Matt's choices, for sure. And I am deeply sad he keeps making such stupid ones.

    It just seems like the consequences are multiplied by the program's dislike of me. They are truly petty and somewhat cruel to me. The no phone call and no presents had no therapeutic reason, they were just annoyed at me because the therapist forgot the family call this week. I called my ed cons, and he called the director. I am sure the therapist got in trouble, and consequently the therapist wanted to "put me in my place".

    I know this sounds paranoid, but it is truly not. This keeps happening, so I keep sending all the documentation to the ed cons and my parents. They actually concur with me, which for some reason made things almost worse. I would rather be delusional I guess?

    So the reality is, is this keeps happening because of my choices too. They penalize me because I am an irritant to them, and they want to swat me like a fly - but if I just kept my suggestions to myself, maybe things would be better for me. I don't know. It is hard not to call someone to the carpet when the forget the one phone call a week I have with my kid. Yet I better shut up, and just be numb, or they will continue to punish me. See, it feels like the mafia.

    Yes, I am OK to go to neighbors house. We are just going to sit on the couch and watch movies. He knows I have mono, but only after he had drank from my cup. haha.

    I did take the pups to the beach. (No beach in AZ, I know, the beach of the lake I live on rather.) Anyway, they had a blast. They had so much fun all 3 of them, that I have to put that down for my Cmas present. Diesel, not a water dog, actually jumped in the water in joy, where Steely and Chester swam the whole time. It is 32 degrees!!! Now they stink. Oh well. It was fun to watch them run on the beach, they just ran, ran, ran. I wish joys in life could be that simple for people.

    Oh, I forgot to tell you all that I permanently kicked Xanax in the butt. All the physical withdrawal symptoms are gone, yay. I have said it a million times, but I will say it again, even .25 day like I was taking, causes a very physical dependence. Like nicotine. And stopping it causes your body to do all sorts of wonky things. Bad, bad medication.
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Steely, I think that the choices you make have been done out of love for your son. I, as many others here, have also made choices not in their best interest because we wanted so much to make things better---fix the boo-boos with kisses and bandaids! But, please, don't think that it is your fault that he is in the situation he is in. If he were doing the work, then things would be different. Take the responsibility for his life off of your shoulders----it is hard enough for each of us to shoulder our own stuff---I can't imagine the weight you must be feeling!

    Glad you kicked the xanax. Both of the addicts in my life (husband and difficult child) have had horrible addictions to that drug---and watching them kick it was painful!

  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Steely, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough period this Christmas. Not to minimize it or invalidate your feelings, from my perspective you have a lot to be thankful for- even though I understand it's not going to be one of your better holidays. You have a job and a home. You might not be able to have the input you want with this program, but you do have the choice to pull Matt out. I could list a few more, but I'm sure you get the point. That doesn't mean I think this is an easy year for you or that you shouldn't be frustrated, just that I hope you can find a way to start seeing the glass half full instead of half empty.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Steely}}} Hope this evening finds you with a lighter heart and some peaceful thoughts.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    (note to self: change name of Every to EvilWoman lllllol....but then again this IS the guy who made the bathing suit comment? Then I'd use his toothbrush too.) :tongue:

    Steely - I hope that today found you feeling some Christmas Spirit and Joy in your heart. Holidays are hard on a lot of people, and when we feel we're alone - it can be a little harder. Matt is in the best possible hands to find his path to maturity, your sacrifice while huge - is one that only a Mother would understand.

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas dear. However you chose to spend it.

  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Me, (peeks from around the corner), evil, nah---never. Vengeful, yes, evil, NO! I do not like single men (or anyone else) who has never raised a difficult child to tell any one who has how to do it!!!! And for the bathing suit comment, and the difficult child needs to be a man comment, he fully deserves to have a full blown case of something! Or he needs to be blown up---I'd settle on him getting mono!
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry the program is staffed with such pitiful people who would take from a child and his mother their one method of contact on Christmas day.

    I have had you on my mind today, but was not able to post until now. Many hugs.
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thank you Susie. I am glad you guys understand. It is a deeply painful feeling.

    K I do try to look at the glass half full, and I truly am thankful for what I do have, but I am not always successful at keeping the glass half full in my brain. I know if I have a job and a house in this day and age that should be the number one thing I am grateful for. And I am, although perhaps not as much as I should. I get so weighed down in the feeling of losing Matt, it feels suffocating - even though it is a feeling and not a reality - and I should be able to discern the 2. I know.

    I read the other day that there is new research that shows that people who are biologically/chemically depressed cannot hold onto happy feelings or emotions for as long of a period of time as those who are not depressed. I thought that was interesting, and it explains a lot in my life.

    Hugs and thanks for the support. And I am sorry if I came across as not being grateful. (I am going to try and start journaling again. I need to. Gabe called the other day, and I told him what was wrong, and he just barked at me ~ "Amber write! You know you need to, so do it!" He is so correct. He sees it, I see it, I just need to do it.