I really am trying to stay so strong - I am just trying to stuff everything inside. (Of course, I have the added incentive to stuff because with mono, if I cry it, makes my eyes swell up and hurt for hours.) I was going to see Matt for Cmas, then I got sick, and he melted down, and everyone called it off. Fine, I can handle that. Well, in the meantime the program got annoyed at me and the ed cons for holding their feet to the fire on details not followed thru on. I.E., forgotten phone calls, etc. So in what appears as payback for holding them accountable, the program emailed me a series of mandates yesterday. I could not call Matt on Christmas, nor could anyone else in his family & I can no longer send presents to Matt. In fact they are sending back some of the ones I have sent. And some other ones that are too complicated to go into. The tone of the letter was cold and almost cruel. My mom read it and the ed cons read it, and they both were taken back. There was no apparent therapeutic reason listed for no Cmas phone calls, and it was worded in anger. So, anyway, for whatever reason, the no phone call thing sent me right on over to dark Christmas mode. I am alone with-out family in AZ. My only sister is dead, I can't even talk to my kid for 5 minutes on Christmas, my parents are in Oregon, all my friends except for one are with their family - and it just plain is sad. In fact it is downright not fair. Really, really not fair. To not let me talk to my kid on Cmas is cruel. Prisoners get one phone call, soldiers, etc. But not Matt? (OK, I can't cry, because red eyes, swollen eyes, bad.) I pray the dr and counselor who did this can't have peace this Cmas. I know that is bad, but they should feel convicted, as they sit around the fire with their happy little perfect families, all day long, knowing they denied, out of spite, a 5 minute interaction between the only family Matt and I have, each other. Matt's program and I have been going around and around for months. Slowly but surely they have extracted me completely from his life, with the threat that if I do not do what they say they will remove Matt from the program. Exact words. I feel like I am part of a mafia group. I am being bullied, and threatened, and if I don't do what they say, my kid is on the streets. They hate me, because I hold them accountable and they are too proud and egocentrically focused to want a parent or an ed cons meddling. So, now, I have completely backed out and I guess the ed cons has said he better as well. At least for now. I talked to the ed cons and he flat out told me Matt has no other choices. He is destructive to property, although never physically violent, and no other program that he knows of will take an aggressive 19 year old. So it is this program or the streets. Yet, again, I feel that this whole situation has forced me to submit to whatever anyone says - just so Matt can stay. And believe me this program knows the corner I am in, and they are just playing off of it. Anyway, I didn't mean to make this so long. I just am struggling, and yet I am trying so hard. I am taking the dogs to the beach for their Cmas present, and I am going over to my neighbors house for dinner. I am not sitting around the house depressed like I want to, so I really am trying. But I would trade a 5 minute phone call with going to the neighbors house in a millisecond - and that reality simply feels cruel and inhumane. I just hope my neighbor is not a butt tonight, of all nights. He is the one who said Matt just needs to man up and grow up and get over himself. Sigh. I know people just don't get it - but just today - I pray I find some compassion & mercy. Thank you so much for listening.