Sometimes he is angry and name calling and battling right up to bedtime.
It's quite common for them to have much more trouble holding things together at the end of the day. Everyone's tired, they've been trying to behave all day (even if they haven't been successful) and often the accumulated frustrations of the day make their fuse shorter and shorter. Also we as parents find the same thing, so our tolerance for difficult kids is increasingly short, as the evening wears on.
f I let him outside to play with friends he is fine, but as soon as he's asked to do something he doesn't want to (like come eat dinner or move his bike out of the driveway) he gets mean.
A big part of the problem is task-changing. If the child is doing something he is engrossed in, sometimes even homework, they don't cope well with being asked to stop it and do something else. It's a common "light blue touch paper, stand well back" situation. Often asking the child to do homework is a trigger. It certainly was for us. Added to the problem with homework - the kids were on medications for ADHD and as medications wore off their ability to do schoolwork would go out the window. PLus after a mentally taxing day, to have to come home and face more schoolwork was often just too much.
But back to task-changing - I'll give you examples from difficult child 3. He LOVES to play computer games. We learnt (with his older brother) that they get really anxious at even the thought that they will lose data from a game, or that all their 'hard work' getting to a certain level could be lost if we insist on compliance NOW without giving them time to save the game and quit. So we learned to work with the game requirements and make the child decide how to control the gaming and also meet our requirements too.
Scenario - difficult child 3 is gaming but it's evening and time to get on with other tasks.
Mum: difficult child 3, it's time for dinner soon. You need to get your game to a SAVE point as soon as you can.
difficult child 3: yeah Mum, sure... in a minute.
Mum: (five minutes later) difficult child 3, dinner is on the table. Come and eat.
difficult child 3: But you never told me! I'm not ready!
Mum: difficult child 3, you have choices. You can pause your game while you eat, or you can shut it off while you come and eat. Or you can keep playing and let your dinner get cold, then eat it alone. But we're eating our dinner now.
Now, this isn't very satisfactory. There ARE consequences - dinner will get cold if he won't come and eat when it's ready. Not a huge consequence, when it can be easily reheated. But it's a realistic consequence.
And what about the "You never told me"?
He isn't lying when he says this. When I told him, he was simply too distracted and although his mouth moved and replied, his brain wasn't engaged. He really doesn't remember.
So we developed the trick of using Post-It notes. When I tell difficult child 3 that dinner will soon be ready and to get ready to finish his game, I write it on a Post-It note. I write the task required ("eat dinner") and the time at which he was told. I also write the time at which he must come and do the task.
I stick the Post-It note somewhere that he can see it but not right in his way. The corner of the video screen is good - I use fluorescent paper, too. That way when he says, "You never told me!" I can simply point to the note.
The initial reaction is one of disbelief. Surely the parent is lying to him? But the note is clear evidence; if you somehow snuck in and put the note there, then why did he not notice? The logic is irrefutable - if he didn't see you put the note there, then maybe he also didn't hear you give him the time warning.
A child who loves playing computer games, gets REALLY anxious at the possibility of someone else interfering with his gaming. The anxiety can make him seem aggressive. So I do my best to hose down the anxiety and be seen to work WITH the child to help him feel less anxious. Instead of seeming to be the mean mum whose sole pleasure in life is to make my child miserable and interfere with his fun, I am in fact being seen as a support to the gaming, while still getting the other tasks done (such as eating dinner, having a bath, getting ready for bed).
The thing is, kids like this want to finish what they're playing with, even if it can wait. I've had my kids refuse to go have a bath because the'yre in the middle of watching a movie - even though it's DVD which can easily be paused. A kid dancing around with a full bladder, not wanting to go to the toilet for fear of missing a bit of the movie - when simply pressing "pause" will make the trip possible without missing anything!
We as parents need to be the helper here, to help them realise that it's OK, the game will be safe and the movie will wait, until they've dealt with the urgent tasks.
Now, a firm disciplinarian will be thinking, "This is ridiculous! I'm being held hostage to a spoilt brat!"
It does seem like this, but from experience - this works, and little else does. There are also other aspects you can bring in which add to the effectiveness. A routine is ideal, especially for evenings when kids need to get into habits that work almost automatically. If you can, try to use the same routine for every day of the week.
We wrote our routine down, it was on a blackboard so difficult child 3 could check it and even tick off what he had achieved. We did it as a timetable and we also set it up in agreement with him. By doing it in agreement with him, it gave him ownership and control, he felt that because he was involved in the decisions then he could be more cooperative. It was himself he was agreeing with.
Example - when playing with friends, it stops (friends/difficult child 3 back home) by 5 pm. Tasks - feed/water the hens (before sunset, for preference).
Do homework (if there is any).
Have bath (before 8.30 pm).
Have dinner (before 8.30 pm).
Get into pyjamas (by 9.30 pm).
If it's all done (apart from teeth cleaning by 8.30 pm, then difficult child 3 may play games until 9.30 pm. After 8.30 pm the games must be non-combative, not too stimulating.
Into bed at 9.30 pm. difficult child 3 may read abook or do a puzzle until lights out at 10 pm.
OK, that is our routine. We vary it a little now, especially if we've been out (such as to drama class). But that's after we've had it established and difficult child 3 has shown he can handle the adaptation.
But we had to start simple, and to acertain extent let the routine develop itself. If difficult child 3 didn't like a particular time he could come to us and discuss it, so we could come to a consensus over what to do.
Consensus" = compromise, which means he and we have to both adapt to one another's wishes. It does not mean "give in to difficult child 3 at all times".
If you think about it, the aim is to help the child grow to be a happy, contributing, productive and independent member of society. We take our child through stages we feel are necessary rto this process but sometimes our child needs more stages and sometimes less. We have to watch and learn, adapting to what our child seems to need. Ignore the child's age and "he should be able to do this at his age" because for a difficult child, the calendar just doesn't match.
But are you saying not to give a consequence even later when he is calm? Is so, that is going to be a really hard one for me. Don't they still need some accountability for their behavior?
If you really need to, you CAN give a consequence later when he is calm. But involve him in the decision. Often all you need to do, is talk to him about it. And kids often would prefer a smack, to being talked to about it! (not that I suggest you smack - espwecially a difficult child, it just teaches them that force is the way).
For example, in your case you could say (later on) - "difficult child, I was really hurt when you shouted at me. I was only trying to be sympathetic and you didn't even wait to find out, but yelled at me that I didn't have a brain. Then you slammed the fridge door into me and it bruised me. That wasn't the right thing to do, was it?"
In "The Explosive Child" there are some good guidelines on how to handle these discussions, how to get the best outcomes from these with your chhild, in order to have the best chance of changing the child's behaviour.
Your aim is NOT to punish your child, or to set up a "crime then consequences" pattern, because you end up spending your time watching your child to catch him out and then use these as opportunities to puish and therefore teach.
it's more complex than that, and also more simple.
Instead, your aim is to use LIFE as a teaching tool, in positive ways as much as possible.
In the above 'talk' example, you may find that the child is contrite and realises he reacted badly. He may even apologise spontaneously.
Now, an apology doesn't fix it. Pain occurred, bruises happened and an apology doesn't make the bruises vanish. They take time to heal.
Punishment doesn't have to matcdh the damage, either. The measure of what to do, is best guided by "how best can I get the message across to my child?"
If the child simply isn't yet ready to learn this lesson, then punishing is going to achieve exactly zero. Maybe less than zero. UNtil the child is ready to learn, your best option is prevention.
One last thing - you're not going to get it right all the time. Not even most of the time. Just do the best you can and don't sweat it when the wheels fall off.
In time, you do see improvement.
On the diagnosis topic - keep an open mind. Bipolar used to be called "manic depression" and involves mood swings, among other things. It can get misdiagnosed as other things, just as other things can get misdiagnosed as bipolar. Hence the caution to keep an open mind.
We went through this with difficult child 1 - when he was 6 we were told he had ADHD. Then when he was 14 he was diagnosed as Asperger's. Now he's 25 a lot of people say, "He can't be Aspie!" because he has adapted so well. He's about to see a new specialist who may very well change his diagnosis. Who knows?
But the label - it doesn't change the kid. He is who he is, still does the same annoying things regardless of whatever we're told he has.
Hang in there. Keep us posted on how you get on. You have a difficult job, but so many of us have been where you are now, we can help guide you through.
Marg
All they hear is, "You slept in way too long, you've wasted half your day, thank god you're finally awake, you lazy bum". 
