Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Trying to prepare myself for what's next
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 628583" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Tish, I have ordered both in real book format, not Kindle. I like to highlight things in these "self-help" books, so thank you for these ideas. I will read them. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Exactly. Well said. Well put. When we do spend 10 minutes together----that was successful last time---10 minutes in the car together once a week---I don't want to have a bunch of stuff that I blurt out about him needing to do something different or even a whole bunch of stuff in my head, unsaid, that I am obsessing over. I want to be in the moment and for that moment to be as good as it can be. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, yes he would. I found last time (last time before he got arrested, which was about 45 days on the street) that we could have a decent time together if it's in very small doses. Which was a revelation to me because before that time, that was not the case. I attribute it to me being different and him hearing me a bit that I'm not going to do anything so stop asking me. </p><p></p><p>But, when he ramps up, then the assault comes---I need, please do, please give, can you....blah blah. And I do believe and now understand that every single time I do something for him, even the smallest of things, it opens the door in his mind to other, bigger things. I don't know what to do about that because I am still resisting a complete disconnect from him. </p><p></p><p>I would like to approach him with my hands open, nothing in them, and let him see that I am willing to spend time (very short for now) with him, but that is it. No money, no stuff, no help, no nothing. Just me and my time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. That is correct. That is a huge revelation for most of us, when we start to see that it really needs to be about us because they are grown people and they are going to do whatever they decide to do. We really are not a factor. But wow, doesn't it take so freakin' long for us to start understanding that?? So long. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I keep thinking of this: Only kindness matters. Only kindness matters. Only kindness matters. Not with difficult child but with all of my relationships. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><u><strong>Choosing the intention</strong></u>. Making choices. Making decisions. Quit letting things "happen" to us with difficult child. Quit being blindsided by their drama and their decisions. Quit being the victim here, i.e., he is doing this to me. He isn't doing anything to me. He is doing this all on his own. I did nothing to create or influence this, except help him too much for too long. </p><p></p><p>He is completely separate from me, and he is making these choices. </p><p></p><p>We can't begin to imagine the hundreds of scenarios they can and will get involved in. We cannot possibly get our minds around their minds. I don't even know my son anymore. I have no idea what he thinks about. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In order to do this, I have to completely let go of him. My son is not usually mean or unkind or unpleasant to be around. In fact, he is usually very sweet and loving. That is how I want to be with him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I cannot imagine what God is thinking here, but I know that is not for me to understand. I do trust that he is all good and all loving and only wants the best for every single person on the planet. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That was a huge "getting to place" for me Echo. It is his right. At age 25 (on July 27) he is a grown man. I get that more than I ever have before. It is his right. It is still stupid, awful, shocking, unnecessary, etc. etc. etc. That is where the 10 minutes comes in. Very short blocks of time. I can be kind. It still costs me, but not as much, every time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is still painful, to look at my precious son and to realize I have very little knowledge of him and his life. That is still very sad to me. Part of it is just the fact that I have never even lived for a few minutes the life he is living. I cannot fathom it because I have not been there. I have not thought like that. I have not lived like that. I just can't know that life. It is like being with someone from Indonesia who lives in a hut beside a river. Or whatever. I have no frame of reference. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Echo, I don't even know if that is possible, truly. It seems improbable, being so very human as I am, that that state is even achievable. But it is something to aim at. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Writing it down is so very helpful as well as therapeutic for me. I can get so confused by difficult child. I can't start skittering around in my head, mentally, like a little caged mouse, when he starts on me. I feel my thoughts darting in all different directions and suddenly I hear myself say something stupid that I never intended to say or do, like, yes, I'll do ___________. </p><p></p><p>Writing it down helps create a new neural pathway for me. </p><p></p><p>So thanks to you friends, for your responses. Today is a new day and I am working---already being much more productive than yesterday, which was a wash. </p><p></p><p>SO and I are taking the new seadoos out on the lake tomorrow to see how they run. It is supposed to be beautiful here, no rain. Fingers crossed. Life goes on. </p><p></p><p>Keep moving forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 628583, member: 17542"] Tish, I have ordered both in real book format, not Kindle. I like to highlight things in these "self-help" books, so thank you for these ideas. I will read them. Exactly. Well said. Well put. When we do spend 10 minutes together----that was successful last time---10 minutes in the car together once a week---I don't want to have a bunch of stuff that I blurt out about him needing to do something different or even a whole bunch of stuff in my head, unsaid, that I am obsessing over. I want to be in the moment and for that moment to be as good as it can be. Well, yes he would. I found last time (last time before he got arrested, which was about 45 days on the street) that we could have a decent time together if it's in very small doses. Which was a revelation to me because before that time, that was not the case. I attribute it to me being different and him hearing me a bit that I'm not going to do anything so stop asking me. But, when he ramps up, then the assault comes---I need, please do, please give, can you....blah blah. And I do believe and now understand that every single time I do something for him, even the smallest of things, it opens the door in his mind to other, bigger things. I don't know what to do about that because I am still resisting a complete disconnect from him. I would like to approach him with my hands open, nothing in them, and let him see that I am willing to spend time (very short for now) with him, but that is it. No money, no stuff, no help, no nothing. Just me and my time. Yep. That is correct. That is a huge revelation for most of us, when we start to see that it really needs to be about us because they are grown people and they are going to do whatever they decide to do. We really are not a factor. But wow, doesn't it take so freakin' long for us to start understanding that?? So long. I keep thinking of this: Only kindness matters. Only kindness matters. Only kindness matters. Not with difficult child but with all of my relationships. [U][B]Choosing the intention[/B][/U]. Making choices. Making decisions. Quit letting things "happen" to us with difficult child. Quit being blindsided by their drama and their decisions. Quit being the victim here, i.e., he is doing this to me. He isn't doing anything to me. He is doing this all on his own. I did nothing to create or influence this, except help him too much for too long. He is completely separate from me, and he is making these choices. We can't begin to imagine the hundreds of scenarios they can and will get involved in. We cannot possibly get our minds around their minds. I don't even know my son anymore. I have no idea what he thinks about. In order to do this, I have to completely let go of him. My son is not usually mean or unkind or unpleasant to be around. In fact, he is usually very sweet and loving. That is how I want to be with him. I cannot imagine what God is thinking here, but I know that is not for me to understand. I do trust that he is all good and all loving and only wants the best for every single person on the planet. That was a huge "getting to place" for me Echo. It is his right. At age 25 (on July 27) he is a grown man. I get that more than I ever have before. It is his right. It is still stupid, awful, shocking, unnecessary, etc. etc. etc. That is where the 10 minutes comes in. Very short blocks of time. I can be kind. It still costs me, but not as much, every time. That is still painful, to look at my precious son and to realize I have very little knowledge of him and his life. That is still very sad to me. Part of it is just the fact that I have never even lived for a few minutes the life he is living. I cannot fathom it because I have not been there. I have not thought like that. I have not lived like that. I just can't know that life. It is like being with someone from Indonesia who lives in a hut beside a river. Or whatever. I have no frame of reference. Echo, I don't even know if that is possible, truly. It seems improbable, being so very human as I am, that that state is even achievable. But it is something to aim at. Writing it down is so very helpful as well as therapeutic for me. I can get so confused by difficult child. I can't start skittering around in my head, mentally, like a little caged mouse, when he starts on me. I feel my thoughts darting in all different directions and suddenly I hear myself say something stupid that I never intended to say or do, like, yes, I'll do ___________. Writing it down helps create a new neural pathway for me. So thanks to you friends, for your responses. Today is a new day and I am working---already being much more productive than yesterday, which was a wash. SO and I are taking the new seadoos out on the lake tomorrow to see how they run. It is supposed to be beautiful here, no rain. Fingers crossed. Life goes on. Keep moving forward. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Trying to prepare myself for what's next
Top