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Trying to prepare myself for what's next
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628660" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What I meant here had to do with the course of this path over time, COM. There are some interactions that shine for me, when I look back, when I think about my kids and what has happened.</p><p></p><p>Some times, some things have been real, and right.</p><p></p><p>But for the most part, those memories now are just that. Things I can pick out that were real and good.</p><p></p><p>And those things do bring me joy. </p><p></p><p>It's a little like that old country western song about willingly choosing the pain again for the sake of the dance.</p><p></p><p>For the most part, for me and probably for other parents too, who have been at this for so long...there are no family dinners, no holidays together, no cards on Father's Day for so many years that you forget to feel badly about that, except in passing.</p><p></p><p>Or you put that sadness away, understanding that you cannot change what is. It is a little feeling of weakness, a darkness in an otherwise acceptable day and so, you just put it away. And that feeling, that pain that you just put away because there was nothing else to be done with it...that is what I have. I have that, and that husband and I sort of pat one another on the back and tell ourselves it doesn't really matter, that this little tiny pain is nothing, compared to what we've been through.</p><p></p><p>But Father's Day is coming.</p><p></p><p>Father's Day is coming, again, and I am (and husband is too) a little maudlin about that.</p><p></p><p>Time goes flying away. I remember I love my kids. I remember I feel that love for them when I see them...but for the most part, when I have seen them, I have been FOG bound.</p><p></p><p>That is what I meant. Over time, those connections that were never refreshed, those good things that never happened find us loving something we never had and are never going to get now, because there is just empty space where the dinners and holidays (and Father's Day cards) should have been.</p><p></p><p>So, I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say, here. It is like I know that I love my children. but at the same time, I know that I define my life these days through that intention I hold to love them.</p><p></p><p>But I don't really know them, anymore. I don't really know what happened, to them and to us.</p><p></p><p>But after all is said and done...I am glad, after all, that I did not miss the dance. </p><p></p><p>It's a very strange thing, to understand that all that love and pain and laughter should have come to this.</p><p></p><p>So, I will just put that little bit of pain away, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628660, member: 17461"] What I meant here had to do with the course of this path over time, COM. There are some interactions that shine for me, when I look back, when I think about my kids and what has happened. Some times, some things have been real, and right. But for the most part, those memories now are just that. Things I can pick out that were real and good. And those things do bring me joy. It's a little like that old country western song about willingly choosing the pain again for the sake of the dance. For the most part, for me and probably for other parents too, who have been at this for so long...there are no family dinners, no holidays together, no cards on Father's Day for so many years that you forget to feel badly about that, except in passing. Or you put that sadness away, understanding that you cannot change what is. It is a little feeling of weakness, a darkness in an otherwise acceptable day and so, you just put it away. And that feeling, that pain that you just put away because there was nothing else to be done with it...that is what I have. I have that, and that husband and I sort of pat one another on the back and tell ourselves it doesn't really matter, that this little tiny pain is nothing, compared to what we've been through. But Father's Day is coming. Father's Day is coming, again, and I am (and husband is too) a little maudlin about that. Time goes flying away. I remember I love my kids. I remember I feel that love for them when I see them...but for the most part, when I have seen them, I have been FOG bound. That is what I meant. Over time, those connections that were never refreshed, those good things that never happened find us loving something we never had and are never going to get now, because there is just empty space where the dinners and holidays (and Father's Day cards) should have been. So, I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say, here. It is like I know that I love my children. but at the same time, I know that I define my life these days through that intention I hold to love them. But I don't really know them, anymore. I don't really know what happened, to them and to us. But after all is said and done...I am glad, after all, that I did not miss the dance. It's a very strange thing, to understand that all that love and pain and laughter should have come to this. So, I will just put that little bit of pain away, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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