H
HaoZi
Guest
It is possible to be honest AND tactful. Took me a long time to learn that (and I can't say I always manage it), but it can be done. Perhaps working with her on tactful ways to say things might help?
Trying to Resist Giving difficult child an Eating Disorder...
- Thread starter DaisyFace
- Start date
Marguerite
Active Member
I think my favourite story about diplomacy came from an old Readers Digest "personal glimpses". I forget which King of England it was, probably Mad King George (George III). The king suddenly decided he should take up singing opera, and hired the foremost opera singer of the day to give his opinion, with a view to becoming his voice tutor. The singer did not want the job (the king was an appalling singer) and talked his way out of it by saying, "Your Majesty would have the most enthralling, commanding voice if only the upper register had the power and clarity so lacking in the lower."
It is possible, and kind, and also more effective (if you want the person to take your opinion into account) to be diplomatic. It also can save your neck!
Marg
It is possible, and kind, and also more effective (if you want the person to take your opinion into account) to be diplomatic. It also can save your neck!
Marg
UPDATE:
Well, you are all gonna love this...
difficult child continued with her "fat-bashing"...and really just had a smart remark to say about anyone and everyone. One day after listening to an entire string of her nasty insulting remarks (and hearing her explain that she herself is such a tiny, pretty little thing) I came back at her and told her she needed to watch her comments. After all, she wouldn't appreciate it if somebody commented about her "big teeth".
And I left it at that.
Fast-forward to today - several weeks after my "big teeth" remark...
difficult child had an appointment with the therapist. And what does she want to discuss with the therapist?
Yup.
She's upset that her mother has been very mean and insulting toward her and made fun of her teeth. difficult child feels this is completely cruel and unfair behavior.
Not knowing the rest of the story, the therapist was eager to resolve this issue...
And when the whole story came out - it was clear to the therapist that difficult child has no clue that others have any feelings whatsoever. difficult child did not understand the concept of "thinking before you speak" and/or "keeping negative comments to oneself" or even apologizing for hurtful remarks. difficult child just did. not. get. it.
And yet my "big teeth" example had become so enormous in difficult child's mind that she was convinced I was being "abusive" towards her in all my dealings and had been for the past several years.
So I don't think this is resolved by a long shot....
But at least it has become very clear to the therapist that difficult child completely lacks a sense of empathy or even the sense that others have rights and feelings.
So - I guess it is progress.
Well, you are all gonna love this...
difficult child continued with her "fat-bashing"...and really just had a smart remark to say about anyone and everyone. One day after listening to an entire string of her nasty insulting remarks (and hearing her explain that she herself is such a tiny, pretty little thing) I came back at her and told her she needed to watch her comments. After all, she wouldn't appreciate it if somebody commented about her "big teeth".
And I left it at that.
Fast-forward to today - several weeks after my "big teeth" remark...
difficult child had an appointment with the therapist. And what does she want to discuss with the therapist?
Yup.
She's upset that her mother has been very mean and insulting toward her and made fun of her teeth. difficult child feels this is completely cruel and unfair behavior.
Not knowing the rest of the story, the therapist was eager to resolve this issue...
And when the whole story came out - it was clear to the therapist that difficult child has no clue that others have any feelings whatsoever. difficult child did not understand the concept of "thinking before you speak" and/or "keeping negative comments to oneself" or even apologizing for hurtful remarks. difficult child just did. not. get. it.
And yet my "big teeth" example had become so enormous in difficult child's mind that she was convinced I was being "abusive" towards her in all my dealings and had been for the past several years.
So I don't think this is resolved by a long shot....
But at least it has become very clear to the therapist that difficult child completely lacks a sense of empathy or even the sense that others have rights and feelings.
So - I guess it is progress.
