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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660319" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Okiegirl, I am sorry to intrude on your thread but I need help along a similar line. I want to know if you or anybody has ideas for me, about how to handle a similar issue with my son.My son who is 26 said this: "I was hurt because you don't want me at the house anymore. I didn't do anything. I didn't deserve that."</p><p></p><p>I am clear about the part: No, I'm sorry. I know you can work it out.</p><p></p><p>When he asks to hang out because he has nothing to do or stay over because he is thrown out of here or there, I say no.</p><p></p><p>He does not like this.</p><p></p><p>He believes it to be unfair and unjustified.</p><p></p><p>What can I answer that does not escalate it?</p><p></p><p>Last time when I set a limit he did not call for 5 weeks. I fear he sees my setting a limit as a rejection of him.</p><p></p><p>I am not rejecting him as my son. It is this: I cannot tolerate close up and personal how he lives his life. You all get it. He does not.</p><p></p><p>I do not want conflict or distance from him. Either.</p><p></p><p>I guess both of us want our cake and to eat it to.</p><p></p><p>The long version is this:</p><p></p><p>I can't stand being exposed to how you live. From here on out when you mess up in your life, you need to clean up the mess yourself. I do not want to do it, or to suffer the consequences.</p><p></p><p>When you are at the house I lose any sense of peace, security or well-being that I had. When we try to set a limit you call the cops on us and try to put us in jail. Last time you gave M a black eye. When I try to talk to you about it you say it is our fault.</p><p></p><p>I am learning to respect your right as an adult to make your own life independent of my values, my opinions and my worries. The trade off is that I need you to take responsibility for yourself, and respect me and my space. </p><p></p><p>I want my home to be conflict-free and as we need it to be, as we need to live.</p><p></p><p>What can I say to my son when he says to me you hurt me. I didn't deserve it. I did nothing wrong?</p><p></p><p>When he will not, cannot or does not want to accept the reality of things: He is an adult. He can live as he chooses. Just not with my help. Just not with me.</p><p></p><p>I love my son. Through all of this we are close. I want and need him in my life. Just not in my house.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to say it. In a way that he can hear and accept.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660319, member: 18958"] Okiegirl, I am sorry to intrude on your thread but I need help along a similar line. I want to know if you or anybody has ideas for me, about how to handle a similar issue with my son.My son who is 26 said this: "I was hurt because you don't want me at the house anymore. I didn't do anything. I didn't deserve that." I am clear about the part: No, I'm sorry. I know you can work it out. When he asks to hang out because he has nothing to do or stay over because he is thrown out of here or there, I say no. He does not like this. He believes it to be unfair and unjustified. What can I answer that does not escalate it? Last time when I set a limit he did not call for 5 weeks. I fear he sees my setting a limit as a rejection of him. I am not rejecting him as my son. It is this: I cannot tolerate close up and personal how he lives his life. You all get it. He does not. I do not want conflict or distance from him. Either. I guess both of us want our cake and to eat it to. The long version is this: I can't stand being exposed to how you live. From here on out when you mess up in your life, you need to clean up the mess yourself. I do not want to do it, or to suffer the consequences. When you are at the house I lose any sense of peace, security or well-being that I had. When we try to set a limit you call the cops on us and try to put us in jail. Last time you gave M a black eye. When I try to talk to you about it you say it is our fault. I am learning to respect your right as an adult to make your own life independent of my values, my opinions and my worries. The trade off is that I need you to take responsibility for yourself, and respect me and my space. I want my home to be conflict-free and as we need it to be, as we need to live. What can I say to my son when he says to me you hurt me. I didn't deserve it. I did nothing wrong? When he will not, cannot or does not want to accept the reality of things: He is an adult. He can live as he chooses. Just not with my help. Just not with me. I love my son. Through all of this we are close. I want and need him in my life. Just not in my house. I don't know how to say it. In a way that he can hear and accept. [/QUOTE]
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