Why am I always so long-winded? (I read recently that it is an early sign of dementia--that worries me more than you know.) That said, here goes: My son who is 28 has been living with us, or in a property we own nearby, for almost all of the past year, except for two or three months he was in residential treatment. He went to residential treatment at two junctures when we told him to leave because of marijuana use, or not meeting other conditions, such as getting therapy or going to 12 step groups or seeking spiritual direction. Two years ago I would never have imagined that I could live so close to him and tolerate it, as has been the case this past year. I have found myself wanting him to be near him, and missing him when he is away--which is incredible. But we are at an impasse. Again. From the beginning we have required that he be productive. He has worked with my significant other, Miguel, remodeling a property we bought for him to live. At the point I bought the property I was unable to tolerate him close but at the same time he was living as a couch surfer, homeless or hanging on. I wanted to find a way that he could be safe and stable, which was why I bought the house, which required a lot of repairs. It was not the best idea, in retrospect, because the neighborhood while filled with hard-working families is in the downtown where there is a significant homeless contingent and drug users, who trigger my son, who himself loves marijuana which he does not consider a drug. We started the year tolerant of the marijuana because at one point he had a certificate for allowing medical use, and legalization was approved last year. But we came to see that marijuana was intolerable FOR US. My son could never finish a month with enough money for food. Even without paying rent! We initiated a no marijuana rule for him to live with us or to even stay over. While he could and did abstain while in treatment he was never able to test clean while with us. There was always an excuse. And a promise of just a few days. We also stopped allowing him to work for us because my son used working for us, as an excuse to not do for himself. J, as a condition of being here, you need to find some activities that are goal-directed and productive and constructive...that improve your own life. I do not care what; and test clean for marijuana. Over and over again. My bad. Part of it is we, M and I, do not all the time stay on the same page. M LET him work the last couple days of the month, because we had thrown him out of here, and he had no money to eat. I said: why is that my problem? I told him he could take food from the house. And then, based upon the two days work with M, my son demanded to come home, feeling he had that right, and a fight ensued. Both of us, M and I are fed up but we hold the position that our best shot is to have him near. That we can through boundaries and support, incentivize him to change. Homelessness and marginality did not help my son. Yesterday the way we left it, my son and I, was with my son's statement that he would be here this morning to take a drug test and then head to the college where he has arranged to do remedial math for the next 6 weeks. He had mentioned yesterday, too, that he would pay the full rent on Thursday when his full SSI check arrived. (Had I been thinking I would have told him that I require and expect rent on the first of the month.) But when M came home he said he had had words with my son and that my son was unlikely to come over. And he has not. We are officially at war, it seems. A stand-off. Miguel and I (if one or the other, does not stray off the reservation) are of like minds: he must test clean to stay over even one night or to get any help from us; he must pay rent whether he is at our house or the other one, (he did last month); he must be using his time pro-actively in a way that benefits him now and long-term. While my son tries to squirrel out of each of these things, he knows. And finally, he knows, we mean business, and the ball is in his court. Our relationship is getting more oppositional again, because he keeps not following through and we call him out. But at the same time the conflicts are shorter-lived and less intense. Each of us is motivated to do what we have to do (at least going through the motions) to reconcile and to "start over." So why have I created this thread? One, it gives me clarity about where I am. I was feeling as if I was giving "too many chances" which my son was blowing off. And this is true. As I write this and I reflect I think the wiggle room that we had allowed has been for the most part eliminated. If by tomorrow he has not paid me the rent money, I will change the locks. And with that, we will have come to the end of this road. At first we were insisting on a clean marijuana test to stay at the other property. M seems to have backed off of that, and I with him, why I am not sure. When he worked for us, while he would try to take breaks every 20 minutes, he was productive every day. But he is not interested or motivated or talented in construction. So we felt we were enabling him to allow him to fill his time with something that would not lead to self-defined improvement. He is highly intelligent, informed, articulate and increasingly self-aware. He has been offered help to get subsidized housing in a couple of different counties but he has not done what was required of him to obtain it, nor does he in any way seem motivated to seek this out. He wants to be near us, but does not like our city, which he tries to hold responsible for his lack of "opportunity." My city's fault. Yeah. There is nowhere else for him to stay where he would not be homeless. Treatment options are no longer so readily available. If we were to force him out again, I am unsure where he would go. I have changed. I endured 4 years with him off and on homeless. I do not think anymore I could bear it. My mental health is a factor, too. I am looking for feedback from you folks, if you feel I am being too indulgent or inconsistent or self-serving. Are my conditions unrealistic or too minimal? Am I enabling him? How? Thank you.