Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nessie, Aug 27, 2017.

  1. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    To summarise- son got arrested three days ago for possession of controlled substances with the intent to supply. This is definitely a custodial sentence, released on bail...aahhhhh. Thrown out of his flat so had no choice but to bring him home. This was after 3 hours in the emergency department with no real progress, he was threatening suicide and basically acting crazy. This afternoon come home to the two younger daughters crying, he has a knife and is going to hurt himself.

    Son is out, unfortunately to my parents but this is it..... my son who has done his very best to destroy me, husband and daughters for the last few years, and I'm driving away with him, prepared to sleep in my car with him because I can't let him leave in his state of mind and my husband says he can't be home anymore. So I go to my parents, really good people and now I can only think of them. Don't know what to do. Just need to vent and know I'm not alone.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry. And dont reacall your story. How old is he? Drugs? I am assuming drugs by his behavior.

    If he is 18 or over and on drugs, your husband is 100% right...the girls need peace at home. Your being with son, instead of home, wont change him. Or help him. I am wondering if it is healthy for your elderly parents to deal with this. Can he stay at a shelter or rehab? Not will he, but are these options?

    If he can go to a rehab or shelter, maybe he should be dropped off in front of one and he can choose to go inside or stay on the streets. Usually they choose the streets only because there are rules against using drugs in shelters or rehabs. Until he quits using, there is nothing you can do and I dont know how old grandparents are, but is this a risk to them? The drama? The drugs?

    Not all mentally ill people are drug addicts. You cant treat mental illness or even know if there is true mental illness until a person is sober. And you must know you have no control over your sons sobriety.

    I gave you my .02 advice. in my opinion you need the peace of home, your marriage and your girls. Your parents in my opinion deserve quiet golden years. This is on your son. He is not a poor little boy. He is a tall, grown man with hair and a low voice...one who chooses to use drugs and manipulate everyone with no thought of anyone but himself. Refrain from seeing him as that cute eight year old he used to be. He isnt that person anymore.

    You cant save him by destroying yourself or your marriage. You matter too!! And your girls need you.

    It may seem as if you have to follow your son around to keep him alive, but you cant. Only he can put himself first and get help and he wont let you watch over him. Maybe he did the suicide threat to get money from you (for drugs).

    I hope this calms down, you go home and Son finds another place to go other than his grandparents. And I wish you love, light, and peace. This is not your battle, even if it feels as if you can save him. Be well.
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2017
  3. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    He will be 21 next month.
    No shelters here, not much on offer for help but he hasn't really sought to help himself.

    I hear you with regards to my parents but they feel like me so we are all basically in a hard place. It's all desperate.

    Psychiatrists in emergency department told me it would be his choice to kill himself and I accepted that, I know this is true. Honestly, I just want him in prison and maybe this can accelerate help. It's kind of sad when prison appears to be the best option.
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yep. Its sad.

    But you can find a city with a shelter or rehab, even if you dont have one right around the corner. He cant live with you anymore. You know this.

    This is just a thought. Your parents may be in their 50s, and thats not so old. On the other hand they can be near 70 or in their 70s. If they are frail or sickly maybe it is time to stop confiding in them about Son. Their welfare matters, as does yours. They can do no more than you and they can get very sick with worry. Again, no criticism meant. Just an idea.

    Of course if Son calls them, you have no control over that. My guess is the three of you have been hovering over Son for too long and he expects to be rescued and is less inclined to get professional help because all of you will take care of him if he threatens to hurt himself.

    But your husbsnd and girls need you too and likely they are kinder to you and rightfully angry at Son.

    I know this is very hard, even harder to do alone. I had no family help. But this mess is created by your son. He isnt the only person in the family. And he doesnt seem to want to get better.

    Take care. Remember...the rest of you all matter as much as Son. Fussing over him may hold him back from things getting bad enough that he wants help.
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2017
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel


    Where are you from. It sounds to me like you might be from the UK...not sure why I feel that but I do.

    Your son is now 21. He is an adult in all senses of the word. I can tell you I almost did myself in wording and hovering over my son. He is soon to be 18. Same issues as your son drugs and facing charges.

    I have taken steps to put boundaries in place and detach with love. If my son does not accept our last attempt to support him and get him into rehab. We will be steeping out of his wash and letting him face the consequences of his choices and action.

    We will be able to do no more for him and yes it will be rehab/jail or death. We don't own his addiction he does, we certainly cdn not cure it and we don't control. It.

    Try to find some good information about loving vs enabling. It is so very difficult to detach but it is vital for your survival and for any hope of your sons recovery.

    If he is indeed a harm to himself, I suggest maybe a trip back to the hospital is in order.

    Hang in there. You are not alone.
  6. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I am from a small island in the U.K. Little boy lost. I have been reading your posts and it sounds very much like my situation, it's all so disappointing and heartbreaking.

    I am not really sure how to carry on, I will somehow but it feels like drifting. Today is a bank holiday but tomorrow I will have to find him somewhere to live again and try and mend all of this damage. He is on a waiting list for a detox programme but everything is very slow and limited here. Not sure if I can face work!
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hang in there and find some positive support for yourself. He is old enough to face the consewuences of his own actions. This is somebtines what it takes for people to recognize they have a problem and seek the help they need. You are nkt alone.

    Are there support groups near you st all? If not try to tap into naranon on line.
  8. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Back to the emergency department following a seizure as he was unable to get hold of any Valium. The only good to come from this is that he has been fast tracked onto an out patient detox regime.

    I spent the whole day with him yesterday just driving around as I was so frightened he would have another seizure. His face is cut and bruised as he fell on the concrete. I know my son is still in there somewhere but I cannot believe how selfish he is. I have realised he is not aware of the consequences of his actions and that makes me angry, he seems to be completely unable to empathise with anyone or any situation.

    My parents are being so good to him but him being there makes me so anxious. It really does feel awful to be thinking that prison is my only hope right now. I completely agree with the idea of detachment but I seem to be unable to do this. For the past four nights I've spent hours away from my husband and daughters sorting out his problems and I feel so guilty. I know this worsens their feelings towards him because they can see how it is affecting me but I justify it to myself because I think he needs me more right now. It's all so draining and soul destroying.

    Him not being allowed to live at home is completely the right thing but it means that I am running around everywhere and now feel even more anxious. It feels like he is heading towards a big black hole and I can't help but follow.

    In the morning I am going to look for counselling of some kind because I mostly feel alone with this. I'm really scared of losing him but am terrified that we will still be doing this in ten years time.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are seeking counseling. You need to realize that leaving the rest of your family to try to save your son will not help your son one bit and will deprive you of your marriage and even your other children. Your son doesnt need you. There is nothing you can do for him. You cant save his life or make him succeed in rehab. Only he can do those things.

    But your minor daughters still need you. There is a lot you can do being Mom to them.

    I hope you can come to peace with the situatuon. It is out of your hands. Your parents cant do anything for him either. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.
    Good luck.
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Welcome and so sorry to hear about your situation.

    You are not alone. Many of our addicted young adults threaten suicide and act crazy when they are under the influence of drugs or even if they use drugs and are sober they are not themselves.

    I would call the police each and every time that he threatens suicide.

    We have been down a dark road for six years since my son was 15. We are in the US and are fortunate to have things that we can control such as detox, rehab etc. We have been trying to help our son for many years. Finally last year in April we sent him to Florida for intensive outpatient care and sober living. He had been in rehab many times in Illinois and seemed to only be able to stay clean for three months or so and then right back at it once he returned home. It was tearing us apart. Thankfully he is our youngest because if I had younger daughters like you, I think we would have moved much quicker.

    When I found this site I was able to realize that having him in our home and trying to "help" him was making him worse and ruining our life also. By reading the stories here and seeking a therapist for myself I was able to create healthy but loving boundaries for him. This helped me tremendously and it is also good for him. He is 22 and an adult and has to figure this out for himself. I will not enable.

    If he wants to drug he is not doing it in my home or with me in his life. I don't want to be around it. I don't want to ever see him high again. I will not tolerate this behavior and I am very much done with it. He really is a very special person and we love him with all our hearts but we are not going to love him to death.

    You really do need to take your focus off your son and focus on yourself and your husband and younger children. If you keep rescuing him he will never grow up.

    You have to work on yourself and how you are going to cope with the things he is doing right now. It is hard work but it does work and it is worth it to keep yourself sane. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to change. When he sees a change in you, maybe he will see that he needs to change also. Sometimes jail is what they need and I'd rather see my own son in jail than drugging to be perfectly honest.

    We are here for you.
  11. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I have just returned from taking him to his second appointment with the drug rehabilitation centre, today he is my sad and sorry son. I find this version of him the hardest to deal with as it makes me so sad. I can completely understand that his addiction is destroying his mental health but I feel sure he has an underlying condition.

    Today he is telling me that he accepts he is going to prison and this may be what he needs to get his life back on track. I hope this holds!
    I find the angry version of himself easier, probably because it makes me feel mad and there is more energy in anger. Drained
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Therapy and 3 years of insanity has taught me a lot. This group has taught me more. I am also now a member of Naranon on line they hold on line meetings. A lot of excellent advice.

    I am not a believer in God per se. I am a spiritual person. So I use the term of higher power as a higher strength from within. I take what I need and I leave the rest with no offense. I attended my first local Naranon meeting in person this week. It was very helpful.

    Being able to be a member of this forum has been a true help beyond words. It striped me of my naevete and gave me a new perspective on what I am dealing with.

    Be brave, stay strong and take care of yourself. And I write that as much for me as I do for you.
  13. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Things are just going from bad to worse!
    I have come to the conclusion that my son and I are not good for each other at the moment, our relationship is toxic and we just hurt each other.

    I really am rock bottom.
  14. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Back to work this morning and not sure how I am going to manage. Poor concentration and feeling frightened about facing people and dealing with situations. How do people manage this?
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Some days are better than others. One hour at a time. Try to get support for yourself. Big hugs.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Therapy really helped me. And Al Anon.
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nessie, I am so sorry about your son. The only way I know to manage this is for us, the parents, to get as much support as we can and start to focus on ourselves. Whatever choices you make about your son, make sure you get support thru counseling, 12 step groups, whatever you can find to bring the focus back on to you and the rest of your family. We have to re-learn how to nourish ourselves, how to be kind to ourselves and to nurture ourselves.......our kids choices deplete and exhaust us and without putting that attention back on ourselves, we begin to self destruct.....

    You may find some solace in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    Hang in there Nessie, keep posting, get support, do something nice for yourself today.....
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  18. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I survived work which has surprised me. I have been looking at options for counselling, limited where I live but I have found a programme which looks suitable. I have completed the application and will send tomorrow.

    Right now I feel completely unable to deal with him and this makes me sad. His recent behaviour has made me think of all the bad things he has done, maybe I am a little frightened that I can never forgive him. He has often told me that he doesn't want to be the way he is but surely this is not a good enough reason or justification for all he has done. If this wasn't happening to me I could understand that the addiction makes them this way but I cannot help but take it personally.

    Great advice and support from this site of which I am thankful x
  19. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I truly think I am alive today because of this forum. My health and mental state was sinking so deep I felt I could hardly breathe and would soon die, as I could not bear to continue living with things as they were..... Within a couple days on this forum with all the caring responses from the members, I felt a joy, and understood detachment and that is was the only way to go. I knew I was "going to be alright", no matter what my difficult son did. (Even with imagining the very worst, I knew I was going to be alright ... and knew that my son was going to be alright ~ even if the worst happened. ) I knew it was not going to be an easy road, but that detaching with love can bring a way for us to survive and grow in grace ... and also allow our difficult children to to survive and grow.
    Nessie, work is a god-send! I could have retired years ago, but continue working full-time, which gives me a place and people to interact with ~ where I can help, and give, and be thankful, and keep my mind and body occupied with accomplishing a fulfilling purpose. It takes me to a place, where other people actually want my help, and my efforts make a difference. My daily work is for me. It is outside of any destructive actions our difficult children may choose for themselves (where nothing I do for difficult son is wanted or helps at all.)
    Stay with us and keep posting. You are not alone, and we understand.
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    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Don't overthink everything. Please take one day at a time and get support for yourself!

    Agree Kalahou - this site has helped me more than anything else I have done to help myself!!!