Turns Out That My Feelings of Dread were Correct

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jun 15, 2009.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    So it turns out that I was right--

    How I wish I wasn't!!

    As you may remember, on Friday I posted about having "feelings of dread" that I just couldn't shake. I thought if I wrote about it, it might help.....but I couldn't shake the feeling all day.

    Friday night as we were going to bed, I confessed to husband how I'd been feeling. I told him that I had no proof, and no physical evidence of anything--but my "Mother senses" were tingling like crazy. I suspected that difficult child was already up to her old tricks again.

    husband set a trap. Clever, really.... There are lots of doors in between the sections of our house--thin, hollow, unlockable doors. We never keep them closed. So that night, husband closed the door in the hallway. He also unlocked one of the locks on the front door. We went to sleep.

    I never heard a thing (and neither did the dogs)--but when we awoke early on Saturday the hallway door was open and BOTH locks on the front door had been turned. So difficult child had obviously gone out and tried to return everything to "normal" when she came back in.

    Turns out, that's only PART of her deception....

    She'd been back to making long-distance calls again. This time to a 17 year old boy she met in psychiatric hospital. Evidently, they bonded over a mutual interest in Satanism and animal sacrifices. It turns out that this was one of the patients difficult child had gotten in trouble with while she was an in-patient because they had openly discussed the violent and nasty things they would like to do to others {side note....isn't this nice that we are finding this out at home? The discussion was disturbing enough for a nurse to confine difficult child to her room, but never thought to mention it to the psychiatrist or the SW as a possible reason not to return difficult child to the community!}.

    Did she meet this boy soemwhere in the middle of the night? I have no idea.....she certainly went out to meet somebody.

    husband demanded that difficult child turn over all her cash to put toward the long distance bill (which, set off her anger) and she went to her room muttering about how she was going to kill her family (again!).

    But THIS time--I went to the sheriff's office and filed a report about the threat against her family and I gave the detective a brief history of what's been going on in our home. The detective was really nice. He advised that for this one report, there wasn't a lot he could do--but keep reporting. After a number of similar reports, a judge will be able to send her to a "boot camp" type program run by the Department of Juvenile Justice.

    So we spent the weekend installing locking window guards and upgrading the hallway doors to heavier models with key locks on the knobs....

    husband answered the phone when this "boyfriend" called for difficult child and told him he is never to call our house again.

    husband assigned a whole list of yard chores for difficult child to do to "work off" the cost of the doors, locks and long-distance phone calls. So far, difficult child seems to be under the impression that these chores are optional because she declared that she would drive the lawn mover around, but that's it. So that will be the next issue....

    And here I sit today, with my pockets full of keys to all the new locks, trying to process all this new information....

    It's so unreal--

    I wish someone could "pinch me" and wake me from this ongoing nightmare!


  2. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    Note on the window locks. If they are ones that just tighten onto the window or jam or whatever, they can be hit enough that they will slip off. Those are designed for small child safety or keeping others out, not for keeping our difficult children in. Might want to check them periodically to make sure they are still there and haven't been tampered with. Sorry you are going through this.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I actually have to hand it to husband--he figured the window locks might not be "tamper-proof" and so he added a few screws through the sills just to be sure. We have also instituted a bedroom search in the evening to check for screwdrivers, prying tools, the cordless phone, in-appropriate drawings, letters and anythuing else that difficult child should not have.

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry. Extra sorry that your Mommy intuition was right on.

    We have noise sensors on all of our doors and windows. Any time a door to the outside or window opened, there is a loud beep throughout the whole house.
    The sensors are small and hard to see.

    Ours came with this house, the owner said it is costly, but I would put it in our next house.
    There is a little wall mounted computer box that let's you know which door or window is open.
  5. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    I'm also impressed with the forethought your husband put in the window things. Since you have screws in the sill also, and a screwdriver is easy to hide, you might try putting melted wax or something like that into the head of the screw. Use a weird crayon color or paint or something. Then you MIGHT be able to tell if it was tampered with.
    Do you guys ever feel like this stuff is just a big game for them? Like, how can I get over on mom and dad? My difficult child is not to the sneaking out stage yet, but everything else seems like how can I outsmart them. I so dread the teen years...
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so sorry. This must be so scary for you and of course sad for your mommy heart.

    Just curious about the medications - have the psychiatrists wanted to do anything to help with the anger? Celexa can be a mood agitator for some kids.

    You said she had a past diagnosis of NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) - however - that is a diagnosis that is very black and white. The diagnosis is determined by a discrepancies between the verbal IQ and non verbal IQ. If she tested as having a descripancy, than she has NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD). They cannot mistake that diagnosis. Has she had a full pyschological workup with IQ tests and cognitive tests?

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    i am so sorry that you were correct. The entire situation stinks. But how BLESSED your family is that you thought of this NOW. If it was much later after she had done something irreversable then things would be far far worse. Because you can't just say you are sorry after you act out those things she is talking about.

    I hate that you had to invest in doors, key locks, etc... But they may keep you ALL safe from your difficult child. I know when Wiz was acting out violently one of my biggest fears would be that he would kill or maim one of us. Not only for the victim, but also afraid for HIM. Emotionally the guilt and aftermath of that would have driven him to suicide or a long life of horrendous crushing guilt.

    As it is he knows I have nerve damage in one hand from an attack from him. It happened over 4 years ago and he STILL apologizes, will give me a gentle hand rub, even kiss it - and he does NOT give kisses often. Never has. He even has thanked me for keeping him from doing greater harm, recognizing NOW that he was really really messed up. But it has been one heck of a long road to here.

    Your difficult child will be very well served by your instincts. Our instincts are often what keeps our kids from real harm. It is part of the reason we have them, in my opinion. You doubted yourself on this, but the feeling was strong. So you "set" a trap so you could know if she has been sneaking out.

    Don't start doubting your instincts now. don't let anyone make you doubt yourself. Not a friend, relative, or "expert".

    I hope you can continue to file reports, even if it gets to seeming pointless. Because as soon as she is 18 you will be able to do very little to enforce anything or get help for her.

    You may want to work on plans for what she will do after her 18th birthday. I think I would have a hard time keeping her at home with this violence. She very well may be a danger to your other child. That will have to be figured in. You and husband may want to seek some counselling to figure this out.

    Gentle hugs. I am so glad she has you.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm very sorry your feelings of dread were correct. One good thing is you and husband seem really on the same page. Wish I had some great advice to offer, keeping your family in my prayers.
  9. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    At least your mom intuition kept you from getting caught totally by surprise, and you and husband have been able to address the situation promptly.

    You probably should keep a record of that boy's phone number, just in case.

    So sorry you're having to do all of this. I know it hurts.

  10. loosing sanity

    loosing sanity New Member

    Daisy F..

    It is just horrible to have to deal with such situations my heart goes out for you and husband..Just remember you and husband need to take care of yourself as well..(huggs).
  11. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I think Steely has a good point. It is possible that she needs her medications adjusted. From personal experience, until difficult child 1 was on the proper medications, nothing was going to stop him from creating constant chaos.

    I also think Susie has given you some great advice. My oldest difficult child, difficult child 1, turned 18 a couple of months ago. husband and I knew that he couldn't live at home once he was legally an adult. It's a long story, but he is moving out soon. husband and I will still keep an eye on him, provide health insurance for him, and support as needed. However, we know that we just can't live with the constant level of stress and chaos that difficult child 1 enjoys creating, especially since legally there is nothing we can do about it any longer. We believe this solution is in the best interests of everyone in our family. (There are also other reasons why we believe it is necessary for him to move out, but I won't go into them here.)

    I think you did the right thing by going to the Sheriff's office. You should not have to live in fear of a potentially violent difficult child. Your difficult child needs to know that violence under any circumstances will not be tolerated.

    I'm so sorry you have to live like you're living. During the darkest times with difficult child 1, I couldn't imagine that things would ever improve. However, they did. (He is going to a local junior college beginning in Sept.) And, even though you probably can't see the light at the end of the tunnel now, it is there... You will get through this...

    Sending lots of hugs your way... WFEN
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Daisy, it's exhausting when you have to stay two steps ahead of your difficult child at all times. Kuddos to your husband who listened to your feelings and acted. You are very lucky to have a husband who is on the same page as you are with your difficult child.

    We have set raps like you have numerous times and caught difficult child red handed. We haven't slept soundly for years, always keeping one eye and ear open. We too had to file numerous reports before the courts would do anything. Our difficult child is now 18 and we have told her that we have fulfilled our legal obligation and everything from here on our is voluntary and we are not feeling very charitable.

  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Let me see if I can answer a few questions:

    My daughter has had anger issues and explosive rages all her life. The Celexa is the first medication she has been on that actually helped take the "edge" off of some of the anger....it's still there, but the Celexa has helped the rages be less intense (less smashing, screaming and growling).

    My daughter was diagnosis with NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) at age seven....in conjunction with a very dramatic auditory processing disorder. When material was presented to her in written form, she did very well. When material was presented verbally, she did very poorly. An audiology test was conducted, and it turned out that difficult child was missing and mis-understanding a good 25 to 35 percent of anything that was said to her....perhaps more if the speaker was fast, quiet, or had an accent.

    At the time, I thought that the work-up was very thorough. A child psychologist completed a whole battery of tests over five weeks...

    but, after finding this board a few months ago, I am not so sure that she was tested for everything she should have been tested for. AND the child psychologist had explained at the time that NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) meant that my daughter struggled in social situations and could not interpret "non-verbal" communication between peers.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I have been doubting my instincts about this child her whole life....

    (I believe in another thread someone termed me "wishy-washy"...? and I would have to say that has been true).

    The things that have been happening in my home have been surreal, to say the least, and yet to the world, my daughter presents an innocent "angel face". And everyone, EVERYONE has been quick to explain away her behaviors and tell me that I am over-reacting, over-protective, paranoid etc. etc. etc.

    This is the very first time that I actually trusted my instincts....and I believe that husband originally "set a trap" to prove me wrong. He was prepared to say "See? I told you she's not sneaking out any more..."

    Because when he was confronted with the evidence the next morning, he was so upset he looked as if his skull was going to split. I have never seen him look more angry, hurt or betrayed in my life...
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you everyone, for your support...

    I did one more thing this morning, I contact difficult child's therapist and let her know that difficult child is STILL lying to her face (O, everything's fine....). And I let her know that I contacted the sheriff over the weekend.

    therapist agreed that this is "Strike One" for difficult child. therapist agreed to begin researching long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) options, although she tells me that our options are very limited due to Medicaid cuts.

  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
  17. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Sending you hugs too. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is exhausting to deal with. I think you are doing everything that is humanly possible to help her and protect yourselves at the same time.

    Is it possible to have the boyfriend's number "blocked" from your phone? Does she have a cell phone? (don't remember if you said she did).

    It is such a blow to think that we have to protect ourselves from our children, but the behavior she is exhibiting, the threats, are frightening and serious, and have to be taken seriously. Document everything and make sure the cops and the therapist/psychiatrist know what she is doing.

    God bless.
  18. nomad78

    nomad78 New Member

    It is the most incredibly exhausting thing to constantly wonder if your child is going to carry through with a threat, or live up to your worst expectations.

    My son in law has threatened to murder us in our sleep several times. Now I have horrible nightmares about him doing it every time I sleep. So I stay up guarding over the sleeping family every night. Not sure if I believe he is capable of doing such a horrible thing, but my if my intuition, mind, and body wont let me take my guard down, then perhaps I shouldn't.

    I applaud you and husband for all of the efforts you make to keep everyone safe.
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    To help you out with unwanted phone calls our local sheriff department informed me (after some terrifying ktbug antics) that if you use *60 you can block calls on most systems. It can keep the creeps from trying to get thru on the phone.

    Like many others I don't sleep well. I hear ktbug up & down all night long. I just listen & wait. I'll be taking note of all that your husband has done & ask my carpenters to help me while they are here.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry.
    And I feel for your husband. But the good thing is, you are both on the same page.
    You both have some good ideas and tools (literally and figuratively at your disposal).
    I hope that your difficult child sees the light, at least temporarily, and does the chores to pay for the locks.