Twisting Of Words

[Bunny]

I posted yesteday that difficult child was being really disruptive to easy child when he was trying to get his homework done. School was never difficult child's problem. It all always came rally easily for him. easy child is a good student, but he is not the student that difficult child is, so I took difficult child aside and asked him to let easy child have some quiet to get his homework done and I basically said that while homework was really easy for him, easy child has to put in a little more effort that he does because it does not come as easy for easy child.

What does he do? Walk right into the kitchen where easy child was trying to work and say to easy child, "Mom just told me that you were stupid."

OMG!! Seriously, someone please just shoot me now!

Luckily, easy child knows that I would not say that and when I talked to him about it he said that he knew it was just difficult child being mean, but still, why does he have to do that? I know the answer to that. He is feeling unloved at the moment, and he wants everyone else to feel as bad as he does, but it's not going to work. And we are working hard to help him to realize that he IS loved and wanted and needed as part of our family.

These are the things that drive me batty!

 

[buddy]

arrrggg poor easy child. I really do get difficult child doing that, and I wish he could see that he could get much more and better quality attention another way-- but I would want to ring his sweet little neck as it goes on and on (figuratively of course). I go nuts on days when it is one oppositional thing after another. it seems anything to get under anyones skin is fair game. and once it is noticed that a button is pushed....ding ding ding ding...it will be pushed over and over.

This is probably a dumb idea...and it is not to suggest you dont reward easy child... Would it just antagonize difficult child or would he really interpret this wrong:.... If after every single positive thing that easy child does he gets a reward. (following a direction, ignoring teasing, helping to clean, being polite, holding a door open, I dont know...anything...) Maybe use the pbip idea for easy child instead of difficult child, catch easy child on every kind word, kind deed, following directions, etc. It would never work if he took it as you love easy child more than me, but just wondering if the things easy child did were made a big deal of, if a seed would be planted???? (can so backfire I would think if he is really on edge emotionally)

 

[BellJar]

*winces* been there done that with Salinger - he'll say anything to anyone. Does difficult child truly understand that what he said and how he said it is hurtful? I know we can think they understand but I had to learn with Salinger he really didn't and I didn't realize that for a long time. Even if he had been told, he takes everything so literally. 'No, Mom, you said not to call people FAT, you didn't say anything about being stupid!' I have to watch what I say around him or explain outright what I meant by it and that it's not OK to repeat it or twist it. How does difficult child take it when you talk to him about these comments?

Such a frustrating situation either way. Is there any way that difficult child can be otherwise occupied while easy child does homework? Anyone that can take him out or keep an eye on him in the home? Or afterschool homework program for easy child? *hugs* for you and easy child and difficult child as well.

 

[Bunny]

difficult child says that he says and does things like this because he wants me to spend time with him alone, but I have tried over and over again to explain to him that when he does things like this (being mean abd hurtful to me and his brother) that I have no desire to spend time with him. That's why he says he feel unloved. I don't want to spend time with him, so he acts up even more in an effort to force me to spend time with him. It's like a never endng cycle.

After he told easy child that I said easy child was stupid I told him that is was a very hurtful thing to say and how would he feel if someone said he was stupid. He said that he wouldn't care, but I know what he would have a fit if someone called him a name, and I told him so. Of course, he denied it, but I know him and I know how he would react.

I just got an e-mail from easy child's teacher. I had e-mailed her about easy child because homework seems to be taking way longer that it should be with him, which is part of the problem with difficult child. difficult child is waiting for easy child to finish so that they can play and it's taking longer that it should, or longer than difficult child is willing to wait. She said that if homework takes him longer than 30 minutes to put his things away and have him finish his work during morning work the next day. We'll see how that goes.

 

[buddy]

Great reply from the teacher....wonderful! Isn't it nice when people listen and show that there are some good ones out there???

 

[InsaneCdn]

difficult child needs a challenge in his life.
Like... music (has to practice, can't do that at school, so...), or things to build/fix/figure out, or learn to cook/clean/etc.

In other words... he isn't BUSY ENOUGH.
He's complaining about it.

Every time he tries to distract easy child because easy child isn't "done yet"... hand him a list of things to do and tell him to go get busy until easy child is done... trust me. Either stuff will get done (WOW), OR... he'll at least get lost and make himself look busy so easy child isn't bothered (at least its a win on that front).