Two months later, he's back in the hospital

[Deni D]

This is just a download, hoping unloading it will allow me to sleep a little tonight. I got a call from a number I didn't recognize and wasn't the exchange from the local hospital. I smarmily answered "Jello!" figuring it was about my extended car warranty or some other bs. But in fact it was Jane, a nurse, calling from the ER at the local hospital, different exchange in the ER now I guess. I vaguely remember saying "oh God no!" when I had her repeat who she was after she asked if my name was Deni and told me who she was.

My son has been admitted once again, psychotic again. Apparently he went to stay at a motel nearby his apartment because he couldn't handle being at his apartment for some unknown reason. I have a feeling because he was thinking the psychosis has something to do with his living space verses his head space. She told me he's being "committed" which I know only means a 72 hour hold to start. And she told me that there are no beds at this hospital available so they are looking for space for him elsewhere. I did give her a quick down load and told her the hospital has been provided with a lengthy written history of his mental health by me in the past. She didn't seem to think that history was "kept" by them. I also mentioned to her how psychosis has been in his history but included drug abuse in the past. She informed that nothing was found as far as drugs are concerned this time. I don't know how I can explain how hearing that is somewhat of a relief to me, but it is, and I think simplifies things for him going forward. Like he can't blame it on something other than his mental health. Except when I told her his dad just passed away recently, she told me he thinks his problem is grief from his dad passing away, but I'm thinking he can't explain psychosis away as grief, I hope not anyway.

She only called me because he asked to call me himself, just prior to them deciding he needed to be medicated because of his agitated state. They declined to let him call me but asked him if it was okay for them to call me to let me know where he is and he said yes. So within this short window of not hearing they can "neither confirm or deny" anything to me I asked if she could start the paperwork for him to sign for me to talk to his health care workers. She was very kind, I think very knowledgeable from some sort of personal experience, and told me they would encourage him to sign the paperwork and would try to let me know where they are transferring him to. I told her that even though it doesn't seem like it I feel his last stay there for a week and a half had been beneficial for him to start the journey to helping himself and really hoped he could stay there. She told me there were no planned releases from the unit for the morning but you never know what will actually happen.

So tomorrow morning I will call them back to see if he's being sent elsewhere, if they will tell me. And I will call the motel to see if they will release his belongings to me to keep for him.

I can view this as the nightmare that never ends or as a possible stepping stone to a new beginning for him. But I know no matter how broken his brain is, he is the only one who gets to choose his path. I'm giving this one to God, once again.

 

[ksm]

Hugs...

 

[MissLulu]

Sending my love to you, Deni. As you say, it is his path and you are powerless to change it, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any less painful. I hope he is able to get the help he needs.

 

[RN0441]

Deni

Sending love and support. This is SO very hard. Most of us here have walked some form of this path so we know what you are going through. It try not to conjure up the pain very often but it is there nonetheless.

You're doing the right thing by giving it go God. Nothing is too big for Him.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, Deni.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hugs, Deni. You and your son are on my heart and in my prayers tonight.

Hopefully you can sleep well, knowing he is taken care of.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Deni

I am sending hugs, too. I am impressed that your son thought to call you when he was hospitalized. I think that says a lot about him, you, and your relationship. Sending prayers and love.

 

[Deni D]

Thank you so much for the replies all.

Things are still very fluid right now. My son has been transferred to the other hospital. One that offers a couple of wards for people of the 'involuntary admittance' persuasion. This hospital seems to be more of a holding cell, jail, while trying medication, no therapy, no activities. It's a non-profit with over worked and underappreciated employees as far as I can tell. Last night I got to hear a very loud shouting argument during a phone call from my son. And then after a crashing sound, I guess something, or someone was thrown, my son told me he had to get off of the phone because "a fight was breaking out". My left eye is still twitching as I write about this but my son didn't seem to be phased during our couple of short conversations today. I didn't bring it up, neither did he.

From the last call from him tonight he has not seen the clothes I dropped off much earlier today. He's been in the same clothes since Wednesday now. Hopefully they will give him what I dropped off prior to Monday when he's supposed to have his first talk with a social worker there, when he will be able to sign the paperwork that says I can talk to them about his care. It's a little thing in the grand scheme of things but a mother thing, as so many here know. He has a different life than most of us are used to but a better life than the streets I'm sure, no, I know, and am grateful for. I'm working on trying to get him into an intensive outpatient program back in the area, if one is available now. Covid is still being used as a concern in my area, I think mostly from our being left out in the past so there's an over abundance of caution because they kind of know from experience this area is on it's own if things tick up in the future. I'll probably know by the end of Monday as long as people are continuing to talk to me as they have in the last couple days without pulling the HIPPA card.

Thank you all again for the hugs, support and love, so much. I need it, appreciate it, feel it more than most could know, but you do. You are my life line. You allow me that other side, the one that brings the relief to be the sobbing emotional mess of a mom so worried about her son verses the overly responsible, wall up, functioning person when dealing with this kind of difficult situation with the professionals. You are my human connection for sure, thanks again, love and peace to you.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Deni

I send more hugs and compassionate understanding founded on my own experience multiple times of something similar. I am so touched by your compassion for your son. It's so easy for me to become angry as a defense to what I experience as unbearable. I continue to be impressed by the resilience of your son, and how he seems to trust you, and open to you.

It's hard not to compare this with my own situation, where we are both so defensive and cautious with one another. You know that signal you make with your hand to ward off vampires, is it? That is how I feel.

I am touched by your vulnerability and by your son's. It just all seems so hopeful. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

Love, Copa

 

[Deni D]

Thanks so much for your comments Copa but my relationship with my son is not all that great. He just has no one else at this point in time who cares about him. Typically he accuses me of abusing him while he was growing up and demands an apology from me. One he's never going to get because he just was not abused growing up. Right now he's staying away from that accusation, but I know it's going to come back.

 

[notmombutcare]

it all seems very confusing and my heart goes out to you I was in a relationship with a man who had mental health issues and attempted suicide many times. The first step for him was admitting he had a problem and agreeing and doing something about it. You are in my prayers

 

[BusynMember1]

I think most of us do not have the relationship we want with our addicted children. Most are not at their best functionality and our children tend to have strange, chaotic lives that they hide from us. Or hide lots of it from us. And we have little to talk to them a lot. It's heartbreaking.

I see my daughter deteriorating as she ages without stimulating her mind through working or raising children or going to school or even reading a book.

Plus most are abusive. Hard to feel warmth when they abuse us. But of course....we love them and hope for the best.

Hopefully many will turn around. Hugs.

 

[Crayola13]

Does your son go to therapy on a regular basis? Is he medication compliant?

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Deni

I think our similar situations are unbearably difficult. I recognize the pattern you describe, of push/pull. Our son's love for and treatment of us is so ambivalent. On the one hand, we're responsible for their suffering, on the other, we're the only ones they can turn to. It's an impossibly impossible situation to be in.

My son does similarly. Once again he's back in the rental house I own. Why? Because at the end of the day, I care, and he knows it. It's to hope for incremental change for the better, against a very poor track record, and against the odds. It's only based on love, on hope, and because there is no better option. Sometimes, this is what love looks like.

i recognize that to others I may look like I live with illusions. Hope, against the odds, I guess, may always look this way.

 

[Deni D]

Does your son go to therapy on a regular basis? Is he medication compliant?

Crayola, he does absolutely nothing on a regular basis. I have offered to pay for therapy over and over again because he has not completed state paid insurance applications for over a year while refusing medication. He has just wondered off on that numerous times as if he didn't have it available to him, even from me. And he is so medication non-compliant they are trialing a once a month injection of an antipsychotic medication for him. He's been moved from a diagnosis of Bipolar to Schizoaffective now. He's a good example of what happens when someone with a mental illness will not take any advice from the people who actually care for them.

Tonight I am very frustrated with him, but not to him, frightened for him. During the last call from him he informed me of the Vistaril and Haldol they gave him to calm him down from his panic attack. Freaking one flew over the cuckoo's nest Haldol, just to keep him quiet. I knew I wouldn't hear from him after that, I was right.

They are just as frustrating as my son, no more so, because they have no excuse. Lock down for weeks with no therapy, nothing, nada, for mentally ill people. Only medication to keep them quite, and if that doesn't work there's a couple of muscular hospital cops to throw them into solitary with restraints to teach them a lesson and show the others what can happen to them. He has witnessed this happen 6 times in days he's been there. I'm sorry, I'm upset and very concerned, tired of holding my breath, and just tired of losing sleep this past week, hoping he's not traumatized more, hoping he can hold it together enough, hoping they don't resort to "teach him a lesson" before he's let out of this hell hole. Mentally ill people, with nothing but medication, no therapy, not even access to a supposed social worker assigned to them, no answers as far as their questions about care, just telling them to shut up and put up or else, it's a recipe for disaster.

From my thinking he has an excuse, he's mentally ill. But they have no excuse, not the people at the top. Non-profit, publicly funded, no money for actual care, excuses, no, not valid. There's a problem at the the top at places like these. Not the people on the floors having to tell people there are no services for them over and over through out the day, they are also stuck in a hell hole like my son. I am not leaving this type of treatment to sit where it lies in the future, my efforts will be focused on my son but at the time I am able I will work against this. I am no one to fool with. I can be very much like a dog with a bone, they have no idea. I'm retired, looking for another life's purpose, I just might be their worst nightmare or maybe someone who they might be hoping for to bring forth funding for more care for their patients. Today, incredibly, strangely, there is a state local TV station playing a news clip on how this place has dedicated a freaking garden on their property in remembrance of COVID patients. It plays on a loop every couple of hours, I've caught it a couple of times now and am amazed how places like these go for the lime light with nothing, nothing, of substance behind them. I never heard of this place before my son's experience with them, says something to me.

Copa

I think our similar situations are unbearably difficult. I recognize the pattern you describe, of push/pull. Our son's love for and treatment of us is so ambivalent. On the one hand, we're responsible for their suffering, on the other, we're the only ones they can turn to. It's an impossibly impossible situation to be in.

I feel the push and pull so much, as you have said before. It's kind of like a control thing, like it seems they want us, need us, to take care of them as if they are still children but want to have control of their lives and therefore our lives as adults, flip the script as it were but with no ability to behave as adults on their part. I wonder how my son could ever think this way especially considering he was never in a place of seeing me as anything other than someone who provided for him. But maybe he thinks being an adult is controlling another adult to make them feel obligated to take care of him.

 

[Deni D]

to add to my prior post and regardless of how the internet is scheming against me tonight ~~

Copa continued

Well screen locked up. Can't quote anymore ~~ Copa on your next statements on the rental house. I also have a rental house I was planning for my son to have. Last week I told my tenant I'm going to sell it, gave him a month to decide on what he wants to do. He's been a great tenant although he's been given a much lower rent than it could have provided for so many years with my son acquiring it in mind. I gave my tenant another really good less costly rental solution in a shared house with a separate apartment but not as much privacy as the house he has now, but the house is going to be sold. My son does not know about how I've held onto that house for so many years with him in mind though. I never told him. Seems it's been a good thing he never knew, lucky I had such a great tenant in there for so long, something I very much appreciate. At this point I kind of figure the proceeds from it invested might be a better idea for my son, with the estate manager in mind, you know if I don't spend those proceeds before I'm gone on someplace with a beautiful sunset and sand under my feet, ha!

But seriously I don't know what I would have done if my son had not been connected with the mental health organization providing him with an apartment and a social worker to keep an eye on him. It's true he's been jumping out of widows and running away to motels and telling them how psychotic he is the past few months. But I think this too shall pass. I'm sure, it has nothing to do with his physical location, actually probably he will be able to pull himself back more with them supporting him and holding him accountable and me on the sidelines as his cheerleader. I'm not good at that supporting thing, he just will not listen to anything I have to say as other than agreeing with him and I certainly don't have a good track record with the accountable thing, well since he got taller than me 10 years ago.

Wish I could quote that last bit ~ "Hope against the odds" ~ seems like a good way to live to me.

 

[BusynMember1]

Just a warning so that you are aware. We bought a house for Kay and her dirtbag husband. I think things could only have worked if a caretaker had been living there too...someone to report to us if there was serious trouble. First of all, she didn't clean or do the yard. We did, on top of working long hours at our busy business. Secondly they fought in and outside. Neighbor complaints. Cops called for suspected drug dealing which may or may not have been true but never thrown in jail (luckily). There was the beginning of a hoard that we cleaned and they kept doing.
Lee had a part time job at a Pizza Hut. We asked for money when they had it but monthly. Never happened. We ended up paying mortgage and various house and utility bills.

We were going so broke we sold the house and bought them a cheap mobile home that they also destroyed. Owner of the MH property ordered them to leave for fighting, drugs and not paying lot fee which was very cheap
The mentally ill can sometimes live well without a guardian. But Lee and Kay had no ability or desire to do it. Now they are homeless. Kay had relayed on her FB that she loves how easy it is to just live in her old mobile home. She is on every entitlement there is.

Beware of all situations that may pop up. We used to think Kay was ungrateful but years later we know she was incapable of living as a normal adult. Lee too. A group home may have been better but she refused to admit she needs help so she won't go for any. This is how many of our mentally ill become homeless.
Sadly the most commonly used mental health facility is prison. The U.S. offers little. Shame on us.
However many of them would refuse treatment anyway.
It is very hard and confusing and I have no answers other than to only do what you can afford and also tolerate (with no expectations of the outcome) and be good to yourself.

Much love. This hit home.