Two Weeks Until D day.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Mar 9, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    or E day for eviction, I guess. Just about until katie and family are due to be put out of our shelter.

    The whining and excuses have grown very very old. Communication has dropped off to minimal simply because neither Nichole or I can take it. If we respond to the mails.....we ignore anything to do with the whining or excuses. Well, once Nichole told her off in a nice way but that went right over her head as it always does. But usually is just easier to ignore them completely if it's too full of self pity.

    Today she mails me and "reminds" me she applied at two hud places here in town. Uh, no. She only claimed to have applied at one, not two. Seems one had her at the top of the list......and now she's suddenly been dropped down to 28. Other one she's allegedly 3rd on the list. I find this very interesting since homeless get top priority with hud happens to be the law. Due to her being in a homeless shelter if she applied she'd be at the TOP of both lists. Mainly because all shelters have limits on how long you can stay.

    I just shook my head. Gee. This girl is the only person I know who always seems to go down on lists instead of UP.......doesn't matter what she's on a "list" for either. Amazing. Everyone else moves up, while she only moves down. But I doubt I'm supposed to be observant enough to notice that.

    Then she says she told both of them that M works for husband and I doing yard work and that is how they intend to pay by the way if they call please say he does. Uhhh, no. He doesn't work for us. Will not work for us. And I'm not going to lie to a govt agency I myself have used in the past and may someday in the future need to use myself. (god forbid but one never knows)

    Alex is suddenly wetting the bed every night.


    Guessing the disability was turned down. Betting my bottom dollar that she either didn't apply at either hud place......or was turned down due to M's felony.

    Just a tad over 2 wks to go and now the panic is setting in. Oh, well. Not my problem.

    She is aggravated I won't let her come "switch out" clothes for the kids. I simply flat out ignore the request. If they just show up I won't be opening the door. Last mail she did try the "kids want to visit you" bit........odd but I've seen then once since xmas and just now they want to see me? A ploy to come over and rifle through my things in the family room while they pretend to go through theirs. I'm sure the kids want to visit.....but the request didn't come until the requests to come over for other reasons was ignored. Know what I mean??

    The family as a whole is pulling away from her. She refuses to learn and any "help" we give her at this point only reinforces someone else should take care of her and the kids. Sad, but what can you do. ugh
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm sorry hon. I feel so bad for those kids, they deserve better.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry Lisa. I was just talking about things like this with Jeff, my new therapist who is actually a mighty nice guy. I seem to be having luck in finding good ones He made a quiet observation that it seemed like Tony and I were doing all the work involved in making Cory and Mandy get their act together meanwhile they had a pretty sweet deal doing pretty much nothing. thinks he hit the nail on the head. They do barely nothing but sit in the room all day or go off and do their thing meanwhile we are the ones actively seeking a place for them to go live. Isnt that a bit bassakwards? We are making things a bit too cushy for them to stay. Time to turn up the heat. I think I agree with him.

    This weekend I am going to move all their **** out of my spare bedroom into Billy's old truck and take over that room. Tough nuggies if they dont like it. I need that room. Keyana needs a bedroom now. I need a spare bedroom if guests come to visit. Im increasing both boys rent. They dont pay enough as it is. 100 a month isnt enough considering what our power bills are, not to mention we provide food too. Plus I do most of the cleaning and they use water and my washer and dryer constantly. I can barely get anyone to wash a dish without a major argument and no one helps clean up at all unless there is an all out fight. The most anyone does is take out the trash and that doesnt even get taken all the way down to the trash heap. I pay 100% of Keyana's expenses except if Mandy gets an idea to go do something with her like getting her a pedicure. I dont call that doing much. What 4 year old needs a pedicure? I want to know what 21 year old needs a pedicure when you dont even have your own house to live in??? That would have never occurred to me. I have never had a pedicure in my life!

    No wonder Tony is irritable all the time.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really feel for those children. I'm so impressed by your detachment skills, though... keep it up :)
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You know that commedian who says "Here's your sign?" Time for K to get hers from your family. Call it a slap in the face or an intervention if you will but I really think it's time, and necessary.

    I would have everyone write her letters, simple, to the point, how both M and K have lied constantly and how they have made you all feel. They don't get to keep the letters - they just get to sit and hear what a bunch of CRUD they have put you all through, and how you are putting the final THIS IS IT on the entire works. TODAY - at this INTERVENTION. You've tried, they've lied. You love the kids - you tell them that - matter of fact I would have them come in the room first - have a talk with them - give them clothes, gifts whatever -and then have one of your kids leave the room with them - and then everyone read your letters - then swap out while someone else watches the kids and then LEAVE - Say your good byes - and FAREWELLS.

    You don't need this constant BS Hound - it's too much. You have one of the most lovely and beautiful hearts I've ever met. You are a Nana to the max - and a lovely friend. This woman isn't much of a person, or a daughter - she's a user, a manipulator and she's obviously NOT going to leave him, NOT going to change, NEVER going to put her children FIRST - never going to STOP using THEM for an excuse to be lazy, and it's never going to end. NEVER. She's NOT GETTING IT. So when SHE won't stop - the only other logical thing that can happen here is YOU CAN stop it.
    You can put in the letter that if the kids WANT to come live with you via a court order - FINE - you'll have them if you want that. If not - This is nuts. The stress is ridiculous. I mean if you can keep putting up with it - so be it, I have no idea how you do. I worry about your heart.

    I worry that now that you have teeth - during all this - you're going to end up spitting them out. GOOD LORD this is ridiculous. This woman is a twit and I have no words for a man like this except to say that I think they should all go pack up and live with my x - same class. - Lacking.

    Hugs for you and your family.

  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I agree with everything Star just said! At this point, unless you have some kind of confrontation or intervention with her (them?) now, she will sit right there till the very last day, thinking that surely you and husband will come riding in like the cavalry at the very last minute and rescue them all! Let her know in no uncertain terms that that's not gonna happen and if they don't get off their butts RIGHT NOW, they will be out in the streets and they WILL lose custody of their kids! If you set her straight right now, that gives them about a week and a half(?) to hit the streets and try to find a job - any job! There's a lot of burgers out there that need flipping! Nursing homes are usually always looking for people! There's construction work out there, and I know for a fact that many times restaurants will hire people with felony convictions. In our system, many of the guys who are on work release have been placed in restaurant jobs. I hope you can make it clear to them that you simply can't (won't!) bail them out this time and that what happens now is entirely up to them. If you can, do it face to face so she can't just ignore you or not respond! Really put her on the spot! But if you did this, do you think they will just take the kids and hit the road? Would the shelter staff be able to prevent this?
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Donna... The only problem is... I think Hound's had a coming-to-jesus talk with Katie. About a million times. Even the other daughters have tried... She just does not get it...
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    As I am a firm believer..........everything happens for a reason. Everything. Whether we know that reason immediately, or 20/30 yrs down the road.....or never meant to know it at all.

    We've already done the confrontation with the truth of the situation several times. I've attempted to smack her upside the head with it. Nichole has tried to smack her upside the head with it. (you'd have been so proud auntie Star at our girl's grown up way she did it!) She knows she will not come here, we've made it clear as crystal. Girls have done with same with her. Does she for whatever reason believe us or choose to live in her delusion? I'm betting she's feeding the delusion of rescue simply because it requires no work on their part.

    Seems no matter what we say/do, she. does. not. get. it. Period.

    Since easy child has no sitter, and the search for one is turning in to quite a feat........she has one on the hook so prayers would be appreciated........I'm watching the 3 boys : 5 months, 24 months, and 7 yrs more than full time hours. They leave the house and husband will tell you I collapse. Literally. And these are good boys with no gfgness who are very well behaved. easy child has kicked up the sitter search into high gear due to this alone.

    As I'm watching the boys I think to myself........if 3 little kids do this to me, what on earth are 3 school aged difficult children going to do to me? Kids with emotional, mental, and physical issues that will be demanding. Alex, much as I love him, is violent....very, and his rages are pretty much off the charts with that out of touch reality to them due to the autism/brain damage that Travis had. And this is going to make Travis sound horrid, but with most of those nitemarish rages had I not been his mom with a strong bond of love in place, I can only imagine how they'd have escalated even worse. Evan is also violent, very and his are more frequent due to absolutely no parenting at all.. The violence is on top of the many many other issues both Alex and Evan have. Kayla would be a cake walk compared to the boys......and she has a truck load of her own issues going on, just without the violence. And fostering them? They. would. not. go. home.

    I love Kayla and Alex more than I could ever put here into words. Evan I've grown to love since he's been here. But watching easy child's boys who are easy in comparison to what I'd be facing with katie's kids.........Well, all I can say is the guy above knows who he's dealing with and worked it so I was forced to see I am just physically not up to the job. And it's taken 3 wks to get me to admit it to myself.

    That's just the day to day behavior stuff....not dealing with the school, IEPs, docs, specialists, cps, their parents drama..........

    God has a plan. But as much as it breaks my heart, Kayla Alex and Evan living with me is not part of that plan. And I have to focus on that it's His Plan, not mine, to prevent depression from knocking at my door.

    Physically I've got all I can do to maintain the Nana role, as much as my heart wants to, I just can't step back into the warrior mom role. The time the kids have spent here let me get a realistic view of their behavior and issues I would not have had if they'd remained in Mo. I couldn't/wouldn't have been able to make a decision based on facts, just my heart.

    I worry about the shelter calling cps. The more I've thought about it.....I just don't know how they handle this. I know cps will swoop in and immediately remove children from parents who are on the streets. But I don't know if the shelter will call to check if katie and M actually have some place to go to or not. I know the shelter in Mo didn't. Dayton didn't need to as our shelter contacted them to tell them katie was moving there. I hope our shelter staff has the brains to call ahead to any place katie and M claim to be going to verify. But I don't know that that will. Know what I mean??

    At the moment? I'm using skills learned from working the psychiatric ward with katie and M. I will not feed her delusions, but I also have to be careful about confronting her about her delusions as well. It's a tightrope walk. I can tell from her mails she is either the moron of the century or extremely delusional right now. She is clinging to either we will take them in or the shelter won't possibly be able to throw them out due to Alex. The latter I haven't quite grasped where that came from as it isn't like Alex is wheelchair bound or something and does not even make sense........of course most of her delusional ramblings don't make sense. When shelter staff follow through, and they will, I have no idea what her reaction will be and if it will be taken out on the kids. She and M have no where to go period. And even if shelter staff didn't call, this is a very small town, would take less than a couple days before police and residents figured out they were homeless and picked them up.

    Her only chance is that another shelter take them in. Since she's not mentioned this for many many weeks.......I'm guessing they drummed it in to her that won't be happening.:sigh:

    I worry about the shelter not calling to verify a place to stay because my grandkids already lived for more than 2 months on the streets of St Louis homeless before getting into that shelter. I don't want them to live even 1 night like that again.

    Hmmm. Maybe easy child could call shelter staff and ask. I'm afraid to for fear they'll tell katie. I don't want her tipped off at this point. Idiot M will convince her to attempt to hitchhike out of the area with the kids. (yes he's that stupid)

    Unless my mouth blurts out something totally different when that fateful call comes.......I'll be telling cps I'm not physically up to take the kids at this time. We will make it clear the family will be a strong support system for them though and want to be actively involved in their lives. I pray when that moment of truth comes I can stay strong and not bite off more than I can will be the hardest thing I will ever do, I'm prepared for that.

    I just want this nightmare to end for those kids.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, I understand fully that you are not physically capable now of taking on 3 half grown kids. Keyana's no difficult child and she simply wears me out when we have her all weekend. I dont think I could do 3 of them full time again. I could probably handle her on a full time basis if I had to because we wouldnt be the "entertainment" side that she has come to expect. I really need to start toning that down. We are becoming the Disneyland Daddy type of visitation for her and it is not a good thing. I think my love and complete adoration for that child has gotten out of All is not lost though, she still wants to do some normal things like wash dishes even though she is a bit too young.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you know your limitations and I'm sorry for your pain. It is painful. These 2 don't have any problems, this is just "their lifestyle". I hope these kids get taken away, they don't deserve to live like this. These kids NEED HELP, they don't need a one-way bus ticket to the next town. Every day they live like this, they just get farther and farther behind the 8-ball. Everything she says to you is bs and she tells the shelter different bs, you have to be smart to put so many different acts on. That's what makes it even worse. (((HUGS))) These kids have been going down with the ship since birth, can't you call CPS yourself?? I don't mean to be mean, but maybe calling CPS is the best help you could ever give them.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I am sure you have done EVERYTHING, plus 100. I am always proud of your girls. I'm just not following the story as closely as I thought I had been -my apologies. Makes me want to wring M's neck and kick K right in the kiester. Three babies, living on the street because Mommy and Daddy are just so lazy and want to live off the system and lie? UGH. You must be sick to the core. Whatever His plan is? I'm sure it's great, and I hope it involves goodness for all three kids. To us it seems weird and odd, and misunderstood at best. Dudes life never was what I had thought it to be either, and I still don't get the lastest chapter - but as it unfolds? I'm just amazed (gobsmacked plus 10) but once I stopped trying to be the boss? I get more surprises that are good than surprises that are - surprises. Make sense?

    I wish nothing but the best for them all, but what a way to get to your destiny. I'd thought about the same thing that Upallnight said too - a LOT. I believe I'd have that little gem tucked away for the night before hitch-hiking and have a plan in place with them.

    Hugs -
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Lisa -- as you know, we adopted our kids from foster care. It would have been wonderful if they had a grandma and other family that had been willing to stay in touch with us. You could let CPS know that, while you cannot physically take the kids, that you do desire visitation and offer respite to the foster family. If you develop a good relationship with the fosters, you may be able to stay grandma even if the kids never return to K and M.
  13. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    My heart breaks for these kids, but you have done the best you can do. And you know it. Ideally, they will go into foster care and you can have visitation. They know you love them.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would hope that foster care allows you to continue to be a grandparent in their lives. I always say that a child cannot have too many people who love them.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star on eviction day, even if shelter doesn't make the call to cps, they will have their phones ringing off the hook.

    JJJ, yes that is the plan. My aunt Janet had to do that with her twin grandkids many years ago. It worked out wonderfully for them all. The kids who had been severely neglected/abused got a wonderful loving foster family who adopted them within a few years and still saw their grandparents and bio family on a reg basis. They even came here to visit many times over the years. For my twin 2nd cousins, the system actually was a blessing, and they are healthy adults living good happy lives with children of their own.

    Katie mailed back that she suddenly Poof out of nowhere has a job at some lake resort near us.......and has just finished her training. I find this highly suspicious as this is the first I've heard of it.......and so why didn't she just put this down as income for hud instead of trying to say husband and I employ M? Nichole and I both looked this place up. Found an address on a highway we travel often. It doesn't exist, at least not at that address. So I asked her where it was. She says it's over here by me......what would actually be only a few blocks from me. The building she's telling me it's located in happens to be the Head Start facility. It's most definitely NOT the address that popped up on the computer search. And I go past this think all the signs nothing about it being a Lake Resort place. Far as I know it's still Head Start. Sick or well, I'm going to go over there tomorrow and look again and check.

    I think it's yet another lie. On top of a huge stack of lies. ugh

    And now she says cuz they've been ohhhhh so good there at the conflicts with anyone (a lie they had a rather nasty one shortly after arrival) and looking for jobs twice as much as required (no comment ugh) that the shelter may extend them for 30 days.

    She is awfully panicky if this is the case. And if the shelter is planning to give them an extension, they usually don't leave you hanging about it until the last second.

    This girl lies so much.........she'd give her Dad a run for his money back in his younger days. What's good for she's as lousy at it as he always was......and she does it pretty much the same way. Stupid lies than can easily be proven as a lie. ugh ugh ugh

    I'll believe the job if I can find the place. This is a small rural area for pete's sake if some Lake Resort place was located in or around town I'd have heard about it. Never heard of the place at all. We do have one resort type place near Rocky Fork Lake but it's not called anything such as the name she gave me nor is located anywhere near where she has supposedly gone to work. It's far enough away actually that the FRS service wouldn't even drive her there if she did get a job there.

    Not to mention twice now I've asked what she trained to do and twice she's avoided answering. So yeah, thinking this is big and bogus. She's trying to convince me she is on the hud list and has a job so I'll let them stay here under the pretense they'd be out on their own soon. Only I'm not that stupid. Even if she did have a *cough* job and was *cough* on a hud list, she would not stay here.

    Then she tells me her Mom is being tossed out by the friend who's let her stay with them since katie dumped her in St. Louis and she had to go back to springfield. Katie says her mom is determined to come to ohio to be with them. I don't doubt it, I know her mother, the woman is terrified to live alone. Katie says she keeps telling her to stay there, that she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself................ Now I had to read that line like oh 10 times cuz I'm sorry it's been biomom supporting them since they went back to Mo. They only dumped her because her unemployment ran out and her hands are so crippled now with rheumatoid arthritis that working is next to impossible for her.

    Delusional, at best. UGH
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lisa, hon - HUGS... I have no words of wisdom, just I am here.
  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I know it goes without saying, but if she had put even half the amount of effort into actually looking for a job as she did in to ducking and dodging, playing the system and concocting stories, she would probably have already been working for months! It sounds like she's getting desperate now and thinks that her only hope is to try to con you into thinking that she has a job waiting so you will let them stay with you "temporarily". Most people would be out begging and pleading for a job at this point! I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating this all must be for you!

    If (when) the kids go in to the foster care system they will probably be split up - the three of them would be overwhelming for any foster family. That might not be a bad thing at all though. That way they could each get the individual attention they need so badly. And it would be wonderful for Kayla because I have a feeling that that little girl has been forced into taking on adult responsibilities for a long, long time and has seen things that no child should ever see. Maybe now she will be able to know what it's really like to be a child and live a normal life. Poor kids! The whole situation is so very sad.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, I checked my states Low Income housing requirements and actually felonies will not bar you from admittance if they are over 3 years old for most things and 5 years old for drug offenses. Misdemeanor drug offenses only have to be 3 years. Felony drug charges have to be 5 years. Now no rapes, murders or capital offenses and of course, no child sex offenders.

    Also things like you cant have been kicked out of another HUD housing or have been evicted from HUD housing in so many years I believe it was. You can look it up on your website. I googled NC low income housing requirements.

    What is bad is Cory would be eligible for low income housing I believe at this point. Mandy wouldnt because she has had a misdemeanor possession charge in the last year. If he can get in, my thinking would be to have him go in with some friend of theirs that is either pregnant or has a very small infant and also has a clean record and those two get the apartment. Then just switch Mandy out for this other girl. No one is ever going to notice whether it is Mandy or this other girl in the actual unit. Problem is, I dont think Mandy is going to accept this happening. She is just too ignorant to do this because of jealousy. Idiotic. My thinking is you do what you have to do to get a place to live.
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    You have to be careful with that kind of thing Janet. We're in section 8 stuff here, and I saw one woman kicked out because she let her son sleep on her couch overnight and he had a felony charge. They said she could re-appy after 30 days and go back on the waiting list, but in the meantime she had to find someplace else to live.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well if its the only way they can get be it. I honestly dont think anyone will notice the difference in one girl and another down here. They all look really similar. Especially in a housing facility.