Tyler arrested

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Dec 8, 2007.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hmmm... husband and I thought it would be a long ride down. Maybe not.

    TLP found a "nickel bag" in his room this morning and called cops. He admitted it was his and was arrested. Cops also found cigarettes on him and told him they could charge him with- that as well, but wouldn't.

    Apparently, in the City of Chicago you get X number of points to burn as a juvie. What that means is that Tyler once again gets off scot-free. I did call the station and asked if there could be an exception made so that there *are* some immediate legal consequences. Nope. Okay. As husband said, however many points there are, he'll burn through them fast. Once he hits 0, he will go to juvie. husband wanted to know if I will hire atty when he gets there - I said only if courts require it. I'm firm on that one.

    Rather ironic in that yesterday I got an email from him telling me "I've realized, that all I need to survive are the skills that I do have, the friends at my side, and trust in myself." And my response to that was "follow your heart and make your choices. You have a good heart, son."

    TLP staff seemed impressed with his remorse. in my humble opinion, he's only remorseful about getting busted. Since there will be no real consequences, aside from loss of level to "red" and a 72-hour restriction to the house (which he should've already been on for the AWOL), I don't think we'll have to wait too long for the next stunt. thank you doesn't learn - he still has an amazing capacity for misery.

    husband and I are remarkably zen about the whole thing. We will not bring it up with thank you. It's none of our business. I didn't cry, didn't get angry. It's a bit surreal but ... it is what it is. Can't do a thing about it.

    We *will* search him before he enters our home and we will ask him not to bring any clothing. We'll keep clothes here for him.

    Just another day in the life. Sigh.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    That stinks that the cops have such a system. But what can you do?

    My nephew got it in his head that cops weren't going to really do anything to him (I'm from Il) and kept right on pushing the envelope. I think he was 16-17 the first time he was tried as an adult and got a sentence of 3 yrs in adult prison.

    He's 30 now and I think of his entire adult life he's spent maybe a total of a year outside of prison. A serious difficult child who has yet to "get it", although he's now being treated for bipolar.

    I keep thank you in my prayers that he WILL get it before time runs out.

    Glad you and husband have distanced yourselves from this.

    Many hugs

  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Oh Sue many hugs and good thoughts for you. You know it makes no sense to me why the police don't do anything. I have thumped my head about this also. Phrases like we like to give them a chance and they are only kids make my head spin and it seems this point thing are based on those idiotic ideas.

    As for the attorney shouldn't it be if he needs one the court will appoint one. Just my .02 on that.

    With some of the things these (our) kids do I just shake my head. I say to myself I don't get it and truthfully I don't want to understand their rationale most days.

    I understand the clothes thing. At this point difficult child 2 is not allowed clothes with pockets (do you know how hard that is). He is not allowed to layer with us (we don't take him off campus often). And he is checked coming and going. It is your safety at this point more than his.

    Sighing right with you.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Sue...I think they add Up...not down...lol. Here in NC, I think they have to reach 15 before they actually get to Juvy. Are you sure he wont have any legal consequences though? Maybe he will get charged and be on probation of some sort. I mean they have to have some way of starting the points.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry. :frown:
  6. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Sorry your having to go through this Sue. I am just now coming to grips that my son was recently arrested. Now the hard part is him earning back the trust and me allowing him to do so.

    How do you do it? He wanted to get back onto his myspace this morning and I started to let him but thought better of it. This time I went with my gut instinct. Each time I haven't listened to my gut I always get burned.

    My thoughts are with you.
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Sue,
    we were "zen" about difficult child 1 too after awhile. It was just the same thing over and over, we couldn't be shocked anymore. Here, too, it seemed to take forever til any real consequences from the real world kicked in. We kept telling her they would but she didn't believe it since it took so long! Finally she did get picked up and sent to juvie and from there to rehab. That was a relief and I was happy to be able to tell her "I told you so."
    Take care, glad you and husband are on same page!
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's pretty depressing that all the king's men and all the king's horses couldn't put humpty together again is what keeps running through my brain.
    All those years of treatment and he continues to make choices that he knows will lead him to trouble. Live for the moment I guess.

    My guess is they could do a public flogging and it won't make much difference. Hope he gets it eventually.

    Sorry to hear it about thank you.
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Janet - he was charged, printed, photo'd. My understanding is no court date, no probation, nada until he uses up his points. Subject to change with whatever the next phone call brings us. :rolleyes:

    Fran, yes. That thought has run through my mind several times over the years. By the time he hits 18, well over $1 million will have been spent on his treatment. I must admit to feeling guilty sometimes because I wonder if that $ could have been better spent, but we absolutely had to give it our best shot. It will be an unspeakable shame if he becomes a permanent guest of the state, for so many reasons.

    He called, chipper as always. Said the detective was "really nice". Great. I thanked him for calling and letting me know he was okay. "It's just life, Mom." See the blood running down my chin from biting my tongue? I didn't say "well, that's *your* life. I've never had the pleasure of being arrested."

    You know what I'm tremendously greatful for today? This community of ours. This family that has stood by me for coming up on 10 years now. I know I can come here and share, vent, and update without embarrassment and without having to be subjected to judgement and scorn. There's enough of the person I used to be before gfgdom to be absolutely horrified that my child was arrested. I cannot share this with family or non CD Board friends.

    I thank you all for having stood by me for so long, and for continuing to. From my heart :flower:
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are traveling "the road" but, of course, not surprised based on his lengthly history of problems. There is alot to be said for giving it your all before you detach. You all have given it your all.

    Interesting thing about law enforcement. It varies so greatly
    from state to state AND from community to community. Our small town uses a mallet for an ant. It's almost impossible to put the
    pieces together to reform and move forward. Yours, obviously, goes in the opposite direction. Actually it's kind of funny that
    so much of your future depends on exactly where your home is in
    the same exact Country.

    Sending understanding support your way. DDD
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    So sorry thank you has upped the anty---again. Like you, I always wanted someone to give difficult child immediate consequences---they wouldn't--until he was 18 and became a convicted felon. Detachment and biting your tongue are good choices when faced with the antics of a difficult child who will not learn from his mistakes!
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I have always wondered just where Cory would be if they had hit him hard the very first time he ever stuck his big toe over the judicial line.

    I tried my best to get them to do it. I begged.

    Oh well. I guess they still dont impose consequences on most people where I live.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Sue}} So sorry that you're in this. Even sorrier that Tyler is. Hugs~
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Sue.
  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    So sorry I missed this (& the running thread) yesterday. I can't imagine what our difficult children think when they make choices like this. Especially, as Fran said, after years of treatments & interventions.

    I'm proud of you & your husband - the level of detachment you have agreed upon. It has to be hard on a mother's heart. Yet, as you've said many times before, you have 3 other children to raise & protect.

    Sending you (((hugs))) this morning.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. Sorrier even that there will be no consequences so he doesn't get a chance to get it. I'm not sure how you're managed to stay so detached. I think I'd be running to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to tear his sweet little head off, especially after his attitude post-booking.

  17. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You are amazing! Your ability to detach, understanding that difficult child is making the choices and deserves the blame, is a great example for those of us that have not reached either the art of it yet, or the age of it yet!

    It must be frustrating to sit on the side and be thinking "throw the book at him, perhaps he will learn" and feeling "this is my blood, my little boy that I cradled and loved". We are at such odds being parents of difficult children.

    I would be glad to wipe the dribbles from your chin!

  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, Sue.
  19. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I am so sorry, Sue. Like you, I would have been calling and asking for consequences now rather than let him 'burn up' his points.
  20. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Am heaving a big sigh for you Sue.

    I was arrested one time when I was a younger difficult child for something (I wasn't even at fault, charges were dropped and I never even went to court) but did get to spend the night in the womans jail - had decided that was the first and LAST time I was ever going to see the inside of that place - quite a lightblub momemt. I was belittled and humilated - what a lightbulb moment I have not as much as looked crooked at the idea of any misbehavior since that one time.

    The problem with the system now is that you get so many free passes - I know Danny thought himself quite invincible with the "Oh, they are not going to do anything" and he was right, they didn't, till he had quite the little paper trail. Then they came down like a ton of bricks. I don't know if the first time he was arrested, if he had been shipped off immediately like I asked, if it would have made any difference, but I think it may have. The only thing he learned is that he could get caught with a bag of pot, and with his attorney's advice, plead not guilty. It was a downhill slide from there, with him learning each time more and more about how the system works.

    I truely do hope this is a "first and last" time for thank you..