Ug Ug Ug

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Oct 16, 2009.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So husband is doing great. He is mood wise more stable than he has been in months, hernia surgery went well. We see his psychiatrist next week, but he is doing so much better.

    difficult child is ok, has his moments, but is doing well.

    I am falling apart, major anxiety issues. When I leave to take difficult child to school or do whatever my heart races, I have a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and I have to talk myself down in order to get where I am going. I am having a hard time concentrating, can't think, break into tears at the drop of the hat. Poor husband--I keep telling him I am not mad at him, I just can't stop it. I have managed somehow to keep this contained to when I go to bed so I don't scare the kids.

    I saw my therapist yesterday, she asked me if I need medications. I said I don't know. I think I know now. I think I do. I finally slept last night, took a melatonin and slept 5hrs and then took difficult child to school and came home and took a 2hr nap. I am usually fine or better if I am home, but I have been trying to force myself to go out as I don't want to get agoraphobic. Therapist also mentioned ptsd from all the **** with difficult child and husband and how this may have triggered it.

    I so can't fall apart. It is so hard to fight this, and I keep feeling incredibly stupid--all is over and getting better and now I fall apart??? Guess I just relaxed enough and then whammo.

    I reallly don't know why I am posting this, I guess I just need to tell someone and I don't want to let husband know how truly horrible I am doing, he is doing really well but he is still pretty fragile right now. I just feel like I need to be strong for everyone.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    It is very, very common for the caretaker to fall apart once the patient is out of the woods. My father, who is a doctor, saw it time and time again throughout his practice.

    It is OK to feel this way. It is OK to accept help (in the way of medications and/or emotional support) from your therapist. It is OK to vent to us. It is OK to care for yourself in other ways that make you feel better. This is what you need to do for yourself right now because you have been through a lot.

    Hang in there, CM. We're here for you.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with SW. Sometimes a caretaker needs medication for short term use, especially when having been under the level of stress you've been experiencing.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I have resigned myself to accept help from the therapist, she has been a godsend. It is the medications that bother me. husband and difficult child have had such strange reactions to medications, that they scare me. I am feeling like all I do here is complain about my life, but I am having a hard time doing anything else. No one else really gets how hard this is. They all ask how husband is doing. I tell them he is better than he has been in months, but everyone then just thinks everthing is hunky dory. And it feels like it should be, but it just isn't.

    Right now my I am going to work on eating 2-3 meals a day vs none, sleeping and journaling. Next week I will stop smoking (again for the millionth time) and start excercising. I have got to get more comfortable leaving the house. I know everything will be ok, but I doubt it the whole time.

    Thank you tm and sw, your words are very comforting. I am having difficulty allowing myself to be human and to deal with this.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I always fall apart once the crisis is over. In one way that is a good thing......but yet it makes you feel silly cuz then there really isn't anything to fall apart over.

    My psychiatrist told me it's cuz I put it all on the backburner until I felt it was safe to deal with it. So, now I pretty much roll with it.

    My anxiety after the truck accident was thru the roof and waaaaay out of control. My normal coping mechanisms weren't working. I did become agoraphobic and it wasn't pretty.

    Klonopin was my friend. The dose wasn't high...nor did I take much. psychiatrist knew I'm not a medication person. Seraquel and trazadone to help me sleep at night......cuz I couldn't manage it on my own. And sleep deprivation makes it all worse.

    The medications didn't make it go away. It made it so I could take a deep breath and face it without the physical symptoms becoming so overwhelming I just couldn't handle it. It made it possible for me to work thru it until I didn't need them again.

    If you need them....and it sounds like you may benefit from've nothing to lose by trying. You can start out slow and work your way to a dosage that is right for you.

  6. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    We do, CM.

    The load sometimes seems just too much to bear. But we'll help you carry it. And it's OK to get help in the form of therapy, or medications, or just nurturing yourself. (Self-care is not self-indulgence.)

    Exercise is a huge lifesaver for me. I'm planning a loooong run tomorrow morning, as it's been a VERY tough week.

    Sending many gentle (((hugs))) your way.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    The not-sleeping-so-good-because-of-stress takes its toll, and that could be part of it too. Just because you might need a little extra support with an rx doesn't mean you'll need it forever. It's not a sign of weakness. Your coping system has been under a serious barrage lately -- ANYONE would be a little crumbly around the edges after what you've been dealing with.

    Hang in there and be good to yourself however you need to be. Things will get better.
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I know you guys get it, that is why I am here.

    I will see how things go this weekend, and probably call my primary doctor on Monday and see if she will give me something. I am sure if I explain the situation she will, I just hate going over it all again. I need to talk about it, but at the same time I hate to.

    husband has several kinds of sleeping pills that did not work for him, they are all the higher dosages and I don't want to just take them. Guess I should have called doctor earlier today. The melatonin helped last night, but is not doing it tonight. Maybe I was just so wore out that that little bit helped.

    Excercise was one of my best coping skills, but I had the respiratory flu the week before husband went into psychiatric hospital and did not feel well enough to work out, so I went back to smoking. Bad Bad Bad --I have quit before and will quit again,.

    Thanks for the understanding, you guys are all great.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Sweetie, I just want to give you a great big hug!

    For so long you had to be so strong to keep husband and difficult child going. You had to use so many resources, so much strength to be everyone's rock. That strength and those resources had to be borrowed from somewhere.

    Now all those somewheres want their strength back. So you feel this way.

    It is one of the worst things in the world to go through. As others have said, there is no shame or selfishness in taking medications, seeing a therapist, self care, or anything else you need to do.

    It is really important to work on good sleep hygeine when you can. Sleep deprivation can make this so much worse. So can lack of protein. At the least try medications for sleep. Also google good sleep hygeine and try to do those things. You may have to plan out your meals.

    Just remember we are here and you can reach out any time you need us.