Ugh, I did it again!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lou lou, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    First of all, I want to thank everyone on this forum. Not only has it been a hugh help getting advice on my own situation, it is very helpful to read everyone’s stories and to realize I am not alone.
    With the help of this forum I was able to learn if I don’t allow my adult child to abuse me she actually stops and starts respecting me. Well, I was doing great until she started with me yesterday saying, she needs to move away from her boyfriend, she is about to have a baby due feb.14th. I once again sent her money (money I had to borrow) to go live with a friend who has offered her a home for her and her soon to be born child. I am currently in a situation where I have nowhere for her to live because I am in the process of making changes for myself and I don’t have a home. Although, throughout the last couple of years I have repeatedly sent money for her to come home. Resulting in days of stress for me and her not actually coming. She called me at work this morning(Not caring at all that I was working) starting in again about there stuff. I told her I was working and I don’t want to be involved with their fights, and to call me when she goes into labor. Her response was, “How about I don’t call you, and you will not know” I just told her that was fine that she just needs to focus on raising her baby.
    Thanks for listening guys!
    I really appreciate it!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good for you. Guard your heart mindfully and dont let Daughter use the baby as blackmail or you will have no peace. None. Only angst because grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren. You see them if the parents allow it. And they can cut you off at any time. And you will find you have no recourse.

    You don't owe her a house. She needs to find a place to live on her own. This can not be your battle. You don't have enough money to send it to her for any reason. Not even the baby. If she can't take care of the baby, alert CPS (do not hesitate) or go for custody yourself if Daughter is proven unfit. The baby is better off in someone else's care; somebody stable and able to be a real caregiver. As for you, the baby is a mean and often vile way for them to use us in the worse way possible, to control us, then threaten to withdraw the child when you refuse to kiss their feet. I dare suggest it may be best not to get too attached to your grandchild. Unless you get custody, the grandchild will be pulled from you each time you say no to Daughter. You will be her slave. How many other babies will be born to her if you reward her for having one by doing her bidding so that she won't yank child from your arms?

    Don't let Daughter bankrupt you. She will not be there for you in your hour of need. So you have to protect yourself. From her. From your daughter. Is there a reason she can't work and take care of herself? Why does she have to stay with your friend? You must know she won't last long there.

    Love and hugs. Detach, detach, detach. Do not let her control you with baby. Again, there is always CPS.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
  3. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    You are doing a good job. She getting more angry because you’re getting strong. One of my favorite sayings is “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” That is what happens when you give her money you don’t have. I am also trying to be stronger and I’m getting better at it day by day.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well done. If they are angry you are doing something right.

    How terrible to bait you and use your Grandchild as blackmail. Man I would have taken the bait on that one. Your response was perfect.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Esther's saying is excellent!! It is something to remember because so often our really difficult kids want us to do things that would totally destroy our own situation in order to just make things a little easier for them. Not to make their situation livable, or to rescue them from a dangerous situation, but to make it nicer or more luxurious.

    The next time she calls wanting something, don't give it to her right away. Tell her that you cannot get it for her now, but you will call her back tomorrow to tell her if you can. Stop and think before you say yes. Truly think about it, and about how hard it will make your life.

    Will it save her from a situation where she will be beaten or raped, or will it just make things nicer or more convenient?

    If it is the first, where is the police report? If she doesn't have one, she is lying to you. If she has one, and an officer has signed off on it, contact the officer to verify. Make sure that you contact him by looking up the number for the police department and asking for Officer Whatshisname. Don't just call a number she gives you that can be to a friend of hers who can lie for her. The number should show that it is a police department on your caller ID or it is not real. If it is the second, just say no. It isn't your job to make her life more convenient or nicer. It is her job to do that. If you make her life nice and convenient, she has ZERO motivation to get off her tushie and get a job. Or to spend her own money on herself.

    One of the goals of a parent, in my opinion, should be to raise a contributing member of society. Not a happy person, or a nice person. Happy and nice are way down the list or priorities for me. As my kids grew up, the other parents were always yammering on about how their kids were not happy in this or that class, and how that teacher made them unhappy or wasn't nice to them. The Constitution promises us the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. People always forget that. The more you do to make your daughter's life easy, the less she will do for herself. Make her as uncomfortable as possible. It will get her to actually work. Then she can go out and pursue her own happiness.

    I do hope you can see your grandbaby. Your daughter may use it as a weapon against you. That will be a shame. Decide now that you won't let her. It will only make you her hostage and slave. It won't increase your ability to see your grandbaby, it will only decrease the ability to improve your life and your control over your life. Right now your daughter wants to be one of those old time feudal lords who didn't work but had a peasant who worked day and night to support the lord. The peasant lived on nothing in a shack not fit for livestock. The lord didn't give a darn as long as the $$$ kept coming in.

    As for your rights, those vary HUGELY by state. In my state, my parents have zero rights over my children. They do have rights over my brother's child. Why? I am married to my husband, but my brother and his wife divorced. In cases where the parents are not married, the grandparents have rights in my state, generous ones. Look up grandparents' rights in your state to see what rights you will have. If your daughter lives in another state, check that state also.

    Keep coming here for support. We are here and we know this process takes time.

    Merry Christmas!
     
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